New York Times bestselling author and screenwriter Allison Raskin is known for examining the intersection of mental health and romantic relationships. In her writing and podcast, she openly shares how she manages her mental health struggles while being in a romantic relationship.
Raskin will be speaking at R11 Desire Summit on Intimacy & Relationships, which will take place on April 13th & 14th in Jersey City, NJ. We caught up with her before the event to discuss her advice of balancing love with personal mental health journeys.
How can you navigate a romantic relationship when you have anxiety, OCD or depression?
Each relationship and mental health journey is different but there are some common themes that can be helpful. The first is having self-compassion. No one asks to deal with these things and judging yourself for them isn’t going to be productive. The next piece is doing your best to understand how your specific brain works so that you can explain it to your partner. It’s likely that you operate differently than them, and you can’t expect someone to anticipate your needs or know how to best support you if you don’t tell them. Finally, I think you have to be really mindful about your partner selection. You want to make sure you are with someone who takes mentally health seriously—even if they aren’t as well-versed about it as you. You should look for a partner with a high capacity for empathy and patience. A great sense of humor doesn’t hurt either since sometimes all we can do is laugh about how our brains work.
How should you talk to a partner or potential partner about your mental health issues?
It’s helpful to share from a place of, “Since we are getting to know each other, here is a part of my personal history and daily life” rather than sharing out of fear. You don’t have to tell everything all at once and you don’t have to keep sharing if the other person isn’t receiving it well. How they respond is important information about what type of person they are and if you are even compatible. These are also conversations you want to have in a nice calm atmosphere rather than at a loud bar. The less judgment and anxiety you have around the information, the better because your energy around the topic is as important as the information itself.
How can you cope when a mental health issue is impacting your sex life?
Taking the time to assure your partner that any issue in your sex life is not a reflection of your relationship but is instead a personal mental health issue is huge. You don’t want them to start to take it personally. It’s also important to confront the problem head on. This can mean anything from returning to regular therapy, seeing a sex therapist with a partner or reintroducing coping skills that have fallen by the wayside like exercise. Much like regular life, our sex lives have ups and downs but you don’t want to sink into the down for too long if sex is important to you and your relationship.
What advice would you give to people with mental health challenges that want thriving relationships?
Oftentimes the work we have done to better ourselves makes us even better partners than people who have never had to contend with mental health struggles. You are just as worthy of love as anyone else and you probably already have a lot of the tools to nurture it.