We all have a clear concept of what basic infidelity is. But where do small emotional affairs fit into that concept? How about keeping that friend around that you have a history of sexual chemistry or attraction to? Or, consider the emotion-less sexting with an old hookup; it means nothing to you, right? But what does it means to your partner?
Depending on their answer, you might be engaging in what’s considered micro-cheating. This subtle form of cheating doesn’t involve physical intimacy (i.e. they haven’t kissed or had sex with another person), but the actions do possibly threaten the couple’s trust and agreement about about romantic exclusivity.
According to Abby Moore and Kristie Overstreet at MindBodyGreen, micro-cheating can consist of many different non-physical aspects and what defines these parameters best of course is discussing them with your partner to see where those grey areas exist. The authors spoke with couples therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC, about what micro-cheating is all about.
“Importantly, what counts as “cheating” in any relationship will depend on the type of agreements the two people have about exclusivity. But in general, here are some behaviors that likely count as micro-cheating in a typical monogamous relationship, according to Muñoz:
- Cultivating intimate or erotic energy with others
- Cultivating a fantasy of emotional closeness with others
- Seeking out repeated intimate interactions with exes
- Seeking out repeated intimate interactions with people you find attractive
- Revisiting a person when you feel upset in your committed romantic relationship
- Regularly draining your erotic energy with social media or other digital means, creating an intimacy drought in your relationship
In the article, Muñoz says that micro-cheating “often begins with lying to yourself.” In other words, you might find a way to rationalize one of the above behaviors, or perhaps truly don’t consider it cheating. However, that doesn’t mean your partner would be fine with it, which is a crucial part of the equation. If what you’re doing would make your partner uncomfortable if they knew about it (or does once they find out), that can cause a rift.
This may seem like a line to tow in our modern day of likes and hearts and sneaky DM’s, and it is for most of us! However, you can simplify things in some ways by being clear and mindful about your own behavior and your partner’s boundaries. Vivian Manning-Schaffel wrote about the topic for NBC News and offered some illuminating insights:
“Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT and CEO of Seeking Integrity, an online community that addresses behavioral health challenges, says the difference between micro-cheating and full-on infidelity is better defined by how much your secret interactions might affect your partner when he or she finds out.
“Different behaviors might be infidelity for one couple, micro-cheating for another couple, and not a problem at all for another couple. Cheating, micro or otherwise, is less about the particular behavior, and more about the keeping of secrets and the impact of those secrets when uncovered,” says Weiss. “For instance, some couples would think that flirting is OK, some couples would call it micro-cheating, and others would call it full-blown infidelity.”
Whether you are aware you are committing micro-infidelities, or you have experienced your partner doing so, the best way to address these issues is to have clear discussions about how you feel and leave room for your partner to share their own emotions as well. Many couples can easily recover from these small micro-cheats by spending some time clarifying where they stand and what the alleged indiscretion meant to them. One person’s mild flirtation could be another’s emotional attraction.
If you are in a relationship now, bring it up for discussion and see where you stand together! Be prepared to bring along some empathy and understanding for these conversations as you might be surprised what can surface. If you aren’t in a relationship yet, now is a great time to reflect on what you consider micro-cheating so that when you do meet that special someone, you know what you want and you know who you want to be to them.