You may have heard the term “love bombing” circulating online and on social media, but what does it mean? Although it might sound like something we’d all want — being showered with unlimited love and affection in turn making us feel like the true treasure we want to believe we are — it’s anything but healthy. Love bombing happens when someone overwhelms you with loving words, actions, and behavior as a manipulation technique. So before you go day dreaming about the rent money you could save by sharing the apartment your new love is showing you, take a moment to look closely for any red flags in the form of Love Bombs.
So what exactly is Love bombing? It’s a manipulation tactic used by narcissists and other toxic individuals to gain control over their partners. It involves showering the victim with excessive attention, affection, and gifts in the early stages of the relationship, making one feel like the star of the show. The goal is to create a false sense of intimacy and trust, and it’s often used to win trust and affection so that they can meet a goal of their own.
The term “love bomb” was coined by Chitra Raghavan, a professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice. She used this term to describe romantic behaviors that result in a manipulative romantic habit used to win people over and get what they want.
In an interview with The New York Times, Raghavan said,
“One partner, typically male but not exclusively, showers the other person with attention, affection, compliments, flattery, and essentially creates this context where she feels like she’s met her soul mate and it’s effortless…The reality is, the person who is doing the love bombing is creating or manipulating the environment to look like he’s the perfect or she’s the perfect mate.”
How Does Love Bombing Work?
In the beginning, love bombing can feel like a fairytale romance. The abuser may constantly text, call, and shower you with compliments and gifts. They may also try to isolate you from your friends and family, making you more dependent on them for emotional support. This can create a sense of euphoria and infatuation that can be hard to resist.
However, as the relationship progresses, the abuser may start to use this intense affection as a weapon. They may threaten to withdraw their affection or become emotionally distant if you don’t comply with their demands. This can make the victim feel like they are walking on eggshells, constantly trying to please their partner to avoid losing their love and attention.
These days, the word “narcissist” is often misused to mean almost any unfavorable behavior people might experience in relationships. Though with love bombing, if your partner or potential partner is exhibiting some of these behaviors, there is a very good chance you are in the company of a genuine narcissist. According to Raven Ishak for Well and Good,
“A love bomb refers to the form of emotional manipulation in which a person—often a narcissist—’bombs’ you with an over-the-top amount of affection, flattery, gifts, and praise early in the relationship in order to win over your attention for the purpose of being able to control you.”
To help you better understand some of the intentions behind those action, relationship psychologist Claire Stott, who is currently a data analyst for dating app Badoo, told Business Insider:
“It’s quite well understood that being overly affectionate can be a sign of overcompensating for kind of a lack of communication or trust, or having a relationship that’s high quality,” she said. “This type of thing is not usually sustainable. If you think about it, having a relationship that’s incredibly intense affection-wise, it’s really hard to maintain that.”
Now that we have an idea of why someone might be dropping love bombs, let’s explore what actions are considered love bombs so we can avoid the damage they cause.
Blowing up (or bombing!) your phone
In the early stages of a romance it’s great to feel desired, but how much is too much? While being in constant communication is normal when you’re first dating, it’s not a good sign if the communication feels one-sided and becomes increasingly overwhelming. If your new partner is texting you morning, noon and night, and sending messages on Instagram and TikTok throughout the day in addition to texts, despite the fact that you’re not responding, you can safely assume this is a love bomb. There should be a healthy balance in communication, not an all consuming engulfment of attention.
Sprinting to Commitment
A telltale signs of being love bombed is being with someone who is pushing for a committed relationship very fast and very early, especially if you aren’t reciprocating that interest in taking things to the next level. A love bomber might pressure you into rushing things and making big plans for the future. They’ll mention things like marriage or moving in together when you’ve only known each other a short while. Perhaps some people might feel excited by this type of talk or excitement, but this is not a healthy way to start a relationship. You need to ask yourself if you want a marathon or a sprint, because most likely this type of fast starting romance will end just as quickly as it began. Every relationship is different, and this isn’t to say that you can’t both be ready to move quickly. But if your partner is pressuring the other to move faster than you feel comfortable with, and seems to ignore or not be aware of your objections, they could very well be love bombing you.
Aversion to Boundaries
If you had noticed some other signs of love bombing, but still wanted to try to make things works, you might try to set some boundaries, which when dealing with emotionally healthy people should be no problem at all. However, when dealing with a love bomber, a boundary could trigger some unexpected responses like anger, pouting or further manipulation to achieve their self serving goals. If you try to set boundaries and are met with resistance instead of respect, you might want to back away slowly…or run.
Time Vampires
You spent the weekend together, but now they want to know what you’re doing on Tuesday night, and your lunch break on Thursday; they just can’t stand to be away from you, they say. Is this new love, or is this a bit controlling? A healthy relationship is one in which you can be together happily, but you can also be apart happily and feel safe and secure in your partner’s commitment. If you’re with someone who is trying to suck up every minute of your free time, and then pouting when they can’t have it, you are most likely dating a love bomber.
Soul Mate Material
Another sign of an unhealthy love bomb scenario is the use of the term “soul mate.” Maybe you believe in the concept of soul mates, which could then feel exciting that someone is saying this to you. Realistically speaking, though, this is unhealthy behavior to get caught up with in a new romance. Of course, if you don’t believe in soul mates, you might already be running away from this red flag for other reasons.
Some other terms they might try to bomb you with include terms such as: “You understand me more than anyone,” “We were born to be together,” or “It’s fate that we met.” For some of you hopeless romantics, these lines might be the sweet words that caress your heart’s desires, but try to remember, they could just be lines used by a love bomber to get what they want.
If some of these signs of love bombing make you question the difference between unhealthy expressions of romance and genuine care, you aren’t alone. There have been multiple conversation son Reddit discussing the topic of love bombing and how people experience it. For instance, on the AskWomen subreddit on Reddit, a user asked how to tell the difference between love bombing and genuine care. The responses showed that often it’s about the degree of affection shown, with love bombing going overboard in various ways. Innerjoy2 shared this sentiment:
“Usually love bombing appears very fast, and if you’re not comfortable with receiving something so soon just watching how the giver reacts can let you know if they’ll respond to slow things down or ignore you. Genuine care is mostly about respecting your feelings, and being comfortable to discuss things without walking on eggshells. If you have a close friend or family member you get along with. A good relationship will remind of what’s it like having trustworthy friends.”
Within that same thread of conversation another great example of genuine care, without the dangers of love bombing, is explained here by yeetmeintothevoid91 when they say,:
“My boyfriend (now husband) felt strong feeling right away (to be fair, so did I). We said the L word real fast and our relationship moved quickly. He began to use the L word all the time and some things he talked about made me think “Omg what am I doing? I’m not a commitment person!” But the second I felt that way, I sat him down and explained it to him. He was surprised but mostly upset that he had ever made me feel that way. He promised me that we would go slower, no matter how slow it would be. And that he still cares as strongly as before. What came next was taking our relationship at “our” speed, and it worked for us. 3 years of marriage later and we still openly communicate about our feelings and relationship progress.”
How to Best Protect Yourself from Love Bombing
The best way to protect yourself from love bombing is to take things slow in a new relationship. Don’t rush into a commitment or move in with someone too quickly. It’s also important to maintain your independence and keep up your relationships with friends and family. If you start to feel suffocated or overwhelmed by your partner’s attention, it’s okay to set boundaries and take a step back. Remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and trust, not manipulation and control. If you think you’re being love bombed by someone, be courageous and curious and have a conversation with them about what love bombing is and how you feel about it. Just be sure to wear your helmet in case any love bombs are detonated in the process.
If you’re still unsure or questioning what a healthy relationship should look like, read up on some green flags to watch for in order to obtain the healthy, balanced romantic experience that you deserve.
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