In the last year ten years, we’ve become overly familiar with the term ghosting— suddenly cutting off all contact with the person you’re dating — the move of choice for some emotionally uncouth people who no longer want to continue a relationship. And, I have bad news, things have gotten worse still: Breadcrumbing is the fresh way for daters to slowly torture the people who are expressing interest in them. To be clear, breadcrumbing is when someone shows subtle signs of romantic interest in you through texts or in person or flirts with you but never commits to you. Breadcrumbing is an all-too-common form of manipulation that happens in the dating world, especially with the rise of online and app-centric dating.
If you’ve been on the receiving end of breadcrumbing, it isn’t unreasonable to ask why anyone would do this. According to Healthline on reason could be a bit of selfishness:
Breadcrumbing can feel confusing, frustrating, and pretty darn painful. It also wastes your time. When you like someone who drops these crumbs of interest, you might believe they do want to get to know you and build a relationship — as soon as their schedule clears up, that is. In other words, it gives you hope for something that probably won’t happen.
Some people might realize their communication tactics leave something to be desired, but they may have less awareness of just how much their vague, sporadic messages upset you.
Breadcrumbing can certainly be intentional, but more indirect motives can drive this behavior, too.
There is never one simple explanation for these types of very human behaviors though. Another cause of this behavior could simply be fear of commitment. Perhaps someone thinks they’re ready for a relationship when they pursue you, but finds that once they’re actually in one, they want all of the fun parts, like flirting and sex, but none of the more emotionally intense parts of a relationship, or they simply aren’t ready to go there yet.
In addition to those clear reasons, it could also be a handful of other variables. Maybe they’re not ready to say goodbye, they’re lonely, or they see you as a backup plan, but the common denominator is most certainly poor communication skills. You might never know exactly why your love interest is breadcrumbing you. What you can be sure of are the signs of such behavior and how to move forward.
Do you need some examples of breadcrumbing? According to MindBodyGreen you are likely being breadcrumbed if your partner is doing any of these actions: Texting but not making plans to get together, making comments on your social media but avoiding interacting with you directly, flirting but not actually making plans, exchanging memes but not actual personal conversation, texting often but only saying vague things and not getting personal, “making ambiguous plans with you that never seem to pan out, and only being interested in sex, nothing more.
Know that we have covered why someone might breadcrumb, and what it looks like to be breadcrumbed, let’s cover the ever-important action you might want to take to move forward.
Verywell Mind has advice on the best way to end the hunger game of breadcrumbing is to try to consider the following, with advice from clinical psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff:
Be direct: Let the person know how their communication style and actions make you feel. “Let them know the impact of their behaviors and ask for what you want: to be treated like a priority and a person they value,” says Romanoff.
Don’t reinforce bad behavior: It’s OK not to respond if the breadcrumber is only sending superficial texts late at night. In fact, if you continue to respond, it reinforces their behavior.
It’s also important, according to Romanoff, to prioritize yourself and make sure you’re being treated right. Don’t accept breadcrumbing because you think you deserve it, or make do or settle for these “crumbs” of attention.
Being breadcrumbed is probably not about you, but it sure can feel like it.
There are dozens of reasons someone may be displaying these behaviors, from a lack of communication skills to a mental health condition, be sure to realistically tune-in to communication style and enforce boundaries to avoid unnecessary heart ache when needed.
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