A few months ago, my good friend Sara told me she was going to try her first ever naked retreat, by way of the Human Awareness Institute (HAI). I had never before considered the idea of a naked retreat. I mean, why? Sure, I have heard about naked camps, or naked hikes, or naked resorts, but like most people who don’t actively seek this lifestyle, I just never paid much attention to them. I would most likely giggle, make a joke about “freeballing” and get on with my day. But when Sara said she was going to a naked weekend retreat, my proximity to the nudist experience was suddenly closer than it had ever been before. Sure, it wasn’t me going, but when one of your best friends says she is going to get naked with strangers, you can be sure she will share all the details and I could, in turn, have a glimpse into the world of nudity. I was like a wide-eyed schoolgirl awaiting the details. Would it be salacious?! Were men there? Will they sit close together? Were there all types of bodies or just one kind? Was it hard not to laugh? Was it hard not to stare?! Was anyone HARD?! Were you turned on at all?!
When I spoke with Sara after her two days away being naked, I finally got to ask all of my grade school mentality questions. To which the answers were, “No! Yes, some. Sometimes really close. Yep, all sorts. Sometimes, absolutely! A little bit! Kinda. Not that I noticed! No!” Once that was all out of the way, I was able to actually hear and better understand what her actual nude experience was.
Not only did it not sound salacious (which is what I wanted to hear because I have finished binge watching all forms of trashy TV on Netflix), it sounded, dare I say, pretty amazing.
Sara explained it as “really awkward at first, of course…but then it was just freeing and all discussions and self-work just felt more genuine….stripped away of a barrier somehow.” Sara shared a few of her personal experiences to me and sounded so moved by these moments, that my childish mentality was shifting into envy at not being there myself. Could I do that?
After some careful consideration and internet searches, I realized I was personally not ready for a fully nude weekend retreat. Emotional exploration and meeting new people (possibly more anxiety-inducing for me than being naked itself!) all while being bare assed? No thanks. I decided to start small by trying out a simple naked sauna. Baby naked steps.
I’m turning 40 this year. I’ve had three children–two of which were twins–and honestly never had a ton of body confidence to begin with. Don’t get me wrong, I like my body, it does cool things, and I’m healthy and happy with it for the most part, and I’m shy in the typical intimate settings. I’m not a shrinking violet by any means, and I’m always up for a new adventure or experience…I just don’t typically seek out naked experiences. Ever. Despite being mostly confident about the joys of my body, I am not of the mind that it should be visible to strangers. I have all of the “normal” insecurities and shame that might amount to avoiding unnecessary naked situations with strangers, having to do with: breast size, nipple to breast ratio, labia, belly, thighs, bums, pubic hair…
I should note that I live in Europe, and I’m American. Being naked wouldn’t likely be considered a topic to write or read about for most of my neighbors because it’s pretty normalized here. There are the naked-loving parts of Germany or topless parts of France and Spain, and an overall much less sexualized version of nudity in Europe in my experience. Here in Switzerland there seems to be a “healthy” balance of comfort in nudity, but not much acceptable nudity in public spaces. There was a pretty big to-do about some nude hikers in The Alps and the conversation is an ongoing one to date. But given the right settings, nudity is really not a big deal.
A Finnish sauna might not sound like a big deal to some readers, but let me repeat, it is fully nude with no way to hide any of my bits and bobs. This was a big deal for my classic American upbringing. My parents were raised Catholic, and nudity even in our own house was not a normal thing. We weren’t openly shamed in any way, but being naked around other people was considered very strange in my household. It was just something you knew not to do. I think the last time my own mother saw me naked I was probably seven years old. When she came to visit after my twins were born, if I were exhausted and wanted some space, I knew all I had to do was whip out a boob and openly breastfeed and my mother would leave the room facing a wall. It’s a very funny thing to me now, and even then…but upon reflecting on all of this, I now find it strange that that is normal for our family. No judgment to my parents; they are just exhibiting the behaviors they were also taught. But the more I considered nudity, the more I decided it was something worth exploring.
The first day I entered the all women’s Finnish sauna in my local gym, I put on a brave face and wanted to fit in like an experienced sauna goer. I was quickly face to face with the familiar gym pool lifeguard, who was now fully bare in front of me. I looked down so quickly I almost inflicted whiplash. She didn’t seem the least bit uncomfortable and I attributed this to her youth and swimmer’s physique, or maybe she grew up in a home where nudity was normal? I’m still not sure about the etiquette of nude spas, but directly asking someone about it in the nude might be a faux pas to say the least. I guardedly undressed, trying carefully to not expose too much skin in any one direction, bending carefully, facing the locker as much as possible. Then I finally tiptoed to shower off, hoping no one noticed my jiggly bits.
The shower is an open space, covered from floor to ceiling in small white tiles. It has an almost medical aesthetic, and there is no noise except for the various forms of water splashing, steaming, draining and echoing away. The shower has six heads and two women were facing outward, showering away as if no one else was in the room. I, of course, faced the wall, how else was I supposed to shower? My mind was racing; I was so insecure and so busy trying not to be insecure, it was exhausting. I considered showering off and then just putting my clothes back on and leaving. …But this was exactly the fear and shame that I wanted to explore more closely. Why was this so difficult for me? Is it this hard for many other people? Which aspect of being nude in this setting was so challenging?
After showering I once again moved quickly to find the furthest, most isolated seat in that sweaty little wooden box of a sauna. I closed my eyes, afraid of who would be staring at my small breasts or paunchy belly (no one was, they were all sitting peacefully it seemed when I dared to peek around the room quickly). After sweating for the stated 12 minutes that felt like 60, it was time to once again walk across a room of strangers fully naked and this time, step into a ice-cold pool of water. I practically ran to the little pool, excited to submerge my body and get some form of cover. I entered the ice water with a fast splash and sank under as fast as I could to hide my body.
HOLY SH**! I was suddenly mentally and physically jolted by the ice-cold water that I imagined was going to be saving me from body shame. It was burning for a moment and I found myself needing to remember to breathe for those first ten seconds. Time stopped. And it was at this point that my mind was finally quiet. I could only hear the sound of the water lapping up the side of the tile, and its echoing through the sauna. It didn’t matter at all that I was naked. I was so overcome with physical sensations…and how great it was to experience them fully nude. Something had been lifted in that moment. A very small shift had taken place. The connection of something physically jolting, the nudity, the public space.
The physical and mental aspect of this experience was awakening cells and parts of my body I never paid any attention to. The chatter in my mind before was suddenly still. My tits were out there, and so were the women’s tits next to me, and I didn’t give a damn. I truly felt like a small part of the shame was washed away with that moment of shock. I soaked there for a minute and let all of these physical sensations and ideas sink in, and when I stood to leave the ice cold pool, I walked out, not shrinking and being sheepish, but with shoulders back and a feeling of newness. In the moment, I felt a small rebirth, although that seems dramatic with such a small feat. But as the French call an orgasm “la petite mort,” or “the little death,” maybe there is something larger mentally to these small acts? Most likely it was an actual physical shock, but it was a moving moment nonetheless. I walked out realizing that one small moment created such a large shift inside. What else could I discover by uncovering?
This very simple nude experience has offered such a welcome and necessary mental shift in my life. I have gone back nearly 10 times now in the last four weeks. I think I might be slightly addicted, to be honest! Each time I gain an ounce more comfort and confidence. I shower with my back facing the wall now, why shouldn’t I? I feel really okay about my naked body in this safe space. I say the customary “gruezi” to the other women as I enter that sweaty little wooden box, I can even make eye contact as I do so! Each time I go, I find new questions arising about my ideas of nudity. How much is wrapped up in sexuality? How would I feel if I went to a mixed sauna with men and women? Could I do a full weekend retreat? When does body shame strike the most? How do we overcome it? How much os my shame is due to the sexualization of nudity that we grow up around? Questions of which, I am happy to consider exploring.
I can’t be sure if I just enjoy the pureness of group nakedness, stripped away of any personal indicators, or if I am actually embracing my “brave” newfound nudity amongst strangers. Perhaps it’s the actual physical health benefits I notice (my skin is glowing, despite the copious amounts of red wine I partake in!), or the fact that I get to completely disconnect from life into this sacred little world of newfound comfort in something that was once incredibly uncomfortable. It’s my hour to strip off all signs of my life and be whisked away to some other place, like some sort of languid Roman socialite–no clothing, no watches or phones, just the simplest form of healthcare and self acceptance…a sort of forced meditation while pushing my personal boundaries. Whatever it is, I can’t wait to find my next nude challenge to explore some of these questions I have been uncovering. If you want another reason to explore your own nudity: the dinner table conversations lately have been interesting and hilarious!