In the world of polyamory, “unicorn hunting” is when a male/female couple seek an additional person, often known as a “unicorn,” they can permanently or semi-permanently invite into their relationship. The established couple might be insistent that the third is willing to play a submissive role in the relationship, be bisexual, and interested in sex with both partners. By the time those criteria are met, it is said that person is a “unicorn.” If the unicorn hunters succeed in finding their special someone they all live happily (and sexually fulfilled) ever after, and the three form what’s commonly referred to as a triad or throuple.
This may seem like the perfect fairy tale but in fact, like most fairy tales, there is more to the story when you scratch the surface. A unicorn can be pretty difficult to find and what happens is that those referred to as unicorn hunters may go after any bisexual or lesbian woman in an attempt to find their unicorn. But this can be troublesome and demeaning for women who aren’t interested in participating as a unicorn.
Jennifer Marer at Unpublishedzine.com opens up and shares her personal experiences on dating apps with unicorn hunters:
“Unicorn hunting is majorly a problem for three main reasons: lack of transparency, dehumanization, and unrealistic expectations.
My experience with unicorn hunters has always involved issues with transparency. A girl would message me and say that she has a boyfriend, but she’s allowed to date other people.
Cool! I’m totally fine with that. We start talking, and we’re having a pretty nice conversation. Eventually, she asks if I’d like to meet her.
…And her boyfriend. And maybe have sex with both of them. Together.
Which I’m not totally fine with.
Once I mention this, most girls unmatch immediately. Sometimes I’m left with a polite farewell. Whatever the case, the conversation finishes there, and I end up feeling used.
This lack of transparency sparks another realization — one that isn’t very difficult to discover. These boyfriends — intentionally or not — are utilizing their girlfriends to reel in other girls. It doesn’t matter if the girlfriend proposed the idea in the first place; the end result is still the same.”
Britt Vasiek, a relationship blogger and self-described “polyamorous, queer and comedic witch,” raises a very good point by explaining unicorn hunting like this:
“Bisexual women are already a highly sexualized group. Bi-erasure has come in tandem with the flood of queer visibility leaving many bisexual and queer women to struggle with their place in the queer community and in relationships.
Unicorn hunting and hyper sexualization also leads to bisexual women being treated as threesome equipment rather than people. Even with pure intentions, the expectation that somebody will immediately want to sleep with them together simultaneously is not realistic and is insulting to bisexuals.In reality, true polyamory takes many complex forms. Sexually and romantically, every configuration is available to us (with consent). Idealizing a triad of two women and a man is a toxic road that leads to more bi-erasure, more predatory couples, and less sexual and romantic freedom in the world.”
The idea of a unicorn can be fun and exciting, but before a couple starts hunting for one, they may want to think about how to engage the elusive beauties more respectfully. If you and your partner are in the mood for a unicorn hunt done in a way that has everyone’s full consent and enthusiastic participation, there are polyamory dating sites that are easy to find now that will help narrow the field, and help avoid any accidental disrespect to women who are not interested in the role of unicorn.
More polyamory and relationship terms to know: