A queerplatonic relationship, also sometimes known as a quasiplatonic relationship, quirkyplatonic relationship, or qplatonic relationship (abbreviated QPR), is a term for an intimate, non-romantic committed relationship. These types of relationships typically go beyond what is considered normal or socially acceptable for a common platonic friendships. However, it’s also not romantic in nature and does not fully fit the traditional idea of a romantic relationship. Queerplatonic is a fairly new word for an old grey area that people have most likely oscillated within or around for many years.
In many modern societies, there are clear lines that have been drawn between expected behavior for a romantic relationship compared to a friendship. For example, cultural norms say that romantic partners are physically affectionate and more emotionally close than friends are, as well as being more likely to partner in major life activities such as buying a house or raising a child together.
However, in a more open social landscape, those lines are becoming blurred, and when those lines are blurred and crossed, those relationships become queerplatonic. QPRs are often characterized by having a level of emotional closeness and dedication comparable to that found in a common romantic relationship. This can result in many outside individuals viewing a queerplatonic relationship as something more intimate than it may be.
The first apparent usage of the term queerplatonic was on December 25, 2010 in a thread on Kaz’s Scribblings. In the original post, Kaz posted a question under the heading of aromanticism, sexual orientation and the relationship hierarchy. The post was questioning how to define strong feelings for a friend that might fall under romance, but not the traditional meaning of romance.
The term created by a desire to describe an aromantic form of relationships, outside the strict categories of romance and friendship. On January 22, 2011 the phrase queerplatonic was posted on Tumblr by Meloukhia, also known as e. e. smith, where it quickly gained popularity. Many years ago the term for this type of relationship might have fallen under the category of a Boston marriage.
These relationships are becoming much more openly popular and acceptable thanks to our changing social landscapes. Take, for instance, the recent announcement of the news anchor and political commentator, Van Jones. Jones shared the news of his latest child with People magazine, saying:
“After the COVID lockdown, I got clear that I wanted another kid. I discovered that my friend Noemi also wanted a baby. So we decided to join forces and become conscious co-parents,” he said. “It’s a concept that I hope more people will explore and consider.”
For Van Jones who seems to make it clear that his relationship was merely a friendship with a deep enough connection to co-parent. That’s one form of QPR that works for many. There are also variations of QPR’s that may incorporate a bit more romance or physical connection. According to Bonobology, queerplatonic relationships can take on many forms,
“Queerplatonic relationship examples show how boundless they can truly be. You may cuddle; you may kiss; you may even have sex and get married. You may only be with them because they complete you or be in a polyamorous relationship together. You plan your lives around one another, move cities to be around each other, and bring children up together. It may be fully platonic, somewhat romantic, and kinda sexual. You can have it all or none at all. The terms and conditions are completely, irrevocably always in your control. There are no rules other than ones that you set.“
If you’re questioning whether a relationship you’re in is a queerplatonic one, Bonobology has a post on 15 signs you’re in a queerplatonic relationship to help you figure it out. The Tumblr Queerplatonic Positivity also has more information about this type of social connection.
Queerplatonic relationships may involve some forms of physical affection such as hand-holding, cuddling, kissing, or occasionally having sex. Some queerplatonic couples will live together or get (queerplatonically) married in a ceremony to celebrate their bond. Or they may take the leap into marriage for the possible benefits that communion might offer (health benefits, I’m looking at you). Queerplatonic relationships can look different for everyone, depending on what the individuals involved are comfortable with. A queerplatonic couple isn’t together because of sexual or romantic attraction. But their brand of platonic love doesn’t have to match everyone else’s—or meet society’s expectation of what a platonic relationship looks like.
Just like any relationship, it’s important to be sure that if you choose to be in a QPR, or perhaps you just stumbled into one, communication is key for success. You can make up the rules fit to you and your partner’s life, but be sure there are mutual understandings and respect for all people involved. Sometimes QPR’s may form without consciously trying to create one. As is the case in this Reddit thread, where an r/polyamory user asks the Reddit audience to help her define what status she might be
“I don’t know if I’m in the right place, but I believe me and my incredibly close friend of mine have a queerplatonic relationship. There are some aspects that feel romantic, like wanting to cuddle and going out on dates, but that’s it. I’m allo. She’s asexual.
When we first met years ago I asked her out, but her never been in a relationship before, she told me she wasn’t comfortable with it. I accepted that. And continued our relationship as friends. We grew incredibly close over the years. She’s the closest thing to me, which is odd because I’ve only felt that with romantic relationship…“
QPR’s can be wonderful thriving relationships that can meet your needs without pushing you into spaces that don’t fit for you. Just be sure that like any healthy foundation, you’re placing communication at the foreground of the relationship in order to avoid any unintended heartache for you or your potential partners.
So, if you’ve ever questioned having a baby with a friend that you have a deep connection with, or purchasing a house with your bestie of ten years, you’re not alone! Talk about it and explore those options if they speak to you. It’s 2022, after all. Indulge your curiosity about what friendship or a queerplatonic connection could look like for you and your loved ones.
More polyamory and relationship terms to know: