“When I challenged him about the event’s lack of diversity, he got defensive. ‘There were at least five people of color there,’ he said. So, I asked him how many white people were in attendance. He didn’t know. Of course, he didn’t know. The party was packed with white people. Getting a headcount of them would’ve required more than just a cursory glance. He didn’t understand that that was exactly my point.”
— Anonymous
In Australia, feminist scholar Dale Spender researched whether men or women tended to speak more in mixed-gender settings. While her work in the 1970s and 80s is very binary-oriented, and might be more gender-inclusive if it were done today, the results were still very interesting.
Spender recorded men and women speaking in classroom settings. What she found was that men universally talked more. Changes to the gender ratio and encouragement of the female participants did little to create a balance. Men always spoke more.
I mention this study because of the perception component involved in the research. When asked to appraise who did the most speaking amongst themselves, female students generally had a proper read of the situation. Meanwhile, male students believed the male/female breakdown to be equal when women had only taken up 15% of the conversation. When women spoke 30% of the time, the male students believed women had completely dominated the conversation. The perception, for male students, was that women occupied a lot more conversational space than they truly had. The expectation, for male students, was that women wouldn’t occupy any conversational space.
The same is often true in regards to racial diversity in polyamorous spaces. If the organizers can spot a person of color — or several people of color — at their events, they often feel as if that diversity problem has been solved. It’s someone else’s problem; it’s just one less thing to think about. The perception is that people of color are attending in larger numbers than we really are. But that’s only because the expectation is that people of color wouldn’t be there at all. This is why it’s important to talk to organizers about exactly this issue. If it is their aim to cater to the community that they put together, we can’t be quiet about exactly how that community is presenting itself to those outside of it. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
If a group isn’t being actively inclusive, it’s being passively exclusive. This passive attitude results in lifestyle communities that do not reflect the local population. From the perspective of Philadelphia, where the population is 40+% white and 40+% black, you should expect to see an almost even amount of black and white people at local events. This has never been the case, in my experience. What has been the case, is finding myself as the sole person of color at mixers with dozens of attendees. What has also been the case, is being one of several people of color at a party…all of whom came to the party with me, or were invited by me and/or people who came with me. But I show up anyway.
It’s exhausting at times, but I make it a point to be on-site as frequently as I can. Why? Because there is value in my visibility. People I’ve met at polyamory events have later told me, “I was kinda scared walking in, but I was so glad to see another black person there.”
The ability to welcome, and make safe, other people of color in white spaces is something that I take seriously. It’s something that I put aside my own social awkwardness to make possible. Outside of those spaces, I make it a point to engage with other polyamorous people of color both online and off. I often host movie-themed potlucks in my home. While these gatherings aren’t usually connected to, or endorsed by, any particular local organization, they typically end up being far more diverse. I’m able to offer a comfortable environment to a wider-range of people than most of the area events. My own tokenism provides room for other people of color who refuse to be tokens.
There is also a detriment to my tokenism. I understand this. While not quite the digital thievery of Diallo Shabazz’s face, it is very possible that event coordinators can and will use my attendance as evidence that their social circle is diverse, inclusive, and welcoming. It’s my body being used as proof. It’s my image promoted as justification. It’s for this reason that I’m rarely quiet about the topic of race and polyamory. Ummm…I wrote this book about it.
From Love’s Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities (Thorntree Press, 2018). Available from Amazon and Bookshop.
Hear Kevin Patterson speak on Saturday, February 11, 2023 at the Residence 11 Desire Summit on Sex and Relationships in Los Angeles and livestreaming worldwide. Get tickets here.