To find out all about love and aging, we asked Treva Brandon Scharf, author of Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love, about everything from dating over 50 to getting married for the first time at 51, along with age gap relationships and advice for singles and couples.
What was different for you about dating in your fifties vs. dating at younger ages?
The difference between me dating in my 20s, 30s—even into my early 40s—and me dating at 50, was that I had become more discerning and intentional (probably because I was fed up and burned out). As I got more clarity about who I was and what I wanted, my choices got better, as did the quality of my relationships.
How do love and aging interact? Is dating and looking for love easier in any ways when you’re older?
Love and aging don’t have to be at cross-purposes with each other, in fact, having a little age going for you can make the search for love even easier and more focused. You’re older, wiser, more resilient, experienced, and already know a thing or two about love. There’s nothing sexier than maturity.
What are some apps or sites or other resources you recommend for people dating over 50?
I’d try them all—Bumble, Match, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Silver Singles, etc.—and then limit how much time you spend on them. As I advise my dating coaching clients: “Spend as much time offline as you do online.” Meaning, if you spend an hour scrolling and swiping, make sure you spend an hour in the real world meeting and greeting. The best resource for singles over 50 is human interaction, so get out there, pursue your passions, and enjoy your life.
What do you wish you’d known when you started dating over 50?
The truth is, I had my last first date the week after my 50th birthday, but I had enough challenges before that to answer this question. I wish I had known about the power of surrender and self-acceptance, and I wish I didn’t wait so long to release the things that didn’t work, that brought me grief or shame, or stopped me from honoring my highest good.
You use the phrase “late bloomer” in your book’s subtitle. What does “late bloomer” signify for you?
In my case, “late bloomer” means I experienced life—and life’s big moments—a little later than most.
What was it like to finally get married at age 51? While you had hoped it would happen sooner, in retrospect, are you glad marriage unfolded at the age it did?
Getting married for the first time at 51 was a mind-blower; it was totally surreal because I had given up on it. Marriage at any age is exciting, but after working so hard and waiting so long, I appreciated it even more. I think when you accomplish things later in life, you really savor it. For practical reasons though, I do wish it happened sooner because I would’ve liked to have had kids.
Beyond dating, once you’re in a relationship, how do age and love intersect? Is it easier to stay in love when you’ve reached a certain age, or is it more challenging?
Getting together after you’ve been single a long time, requires adjustment, patience, compassion, and understanding. My husband and I weren’t kids when we got married—we were fully formed adults, which meant we were totally dug in, stuck in our ways, and creatures of habit! We’ll always have different styles and systems, but now we’re in our 60s, and when it comes to aging—and all that comes with it—we’re on the same page, and no less in love. Maybe even more so.
We often hear about age gap relationships. Do you have any advice for someone attempting to date someone where there’s a significant age difference? Can you truly make love last with someone 20 years older or younger than you?
Dating out of your age group is really a personal preference. I’ve always had a thing for older guys since I can remember, so the age gap never bothered me. My advice for those attempting to date someone with a significant age difference is to be unapologetic about it. Own it. Embrace it. If it calls you, explore it. Just make sure you have good communication so you can overcome whatever cultural, generational, or social challenges you may face.
What was the most important thing you learned about yourself while writing Done Being Single?
The most important thing I learned is that it’s much easier for me to write nonfiction than fiction, and that my life is stranger than fiction! It also surprised me how many times my mother showed up in my book—practically every chapter. It wasn’t till I finished my manuscript did I realize just how much of an impact she had on my life.
About Treva Brandon Scharf: Treva Brandon Scharf [TREHV-a] is a late bloomer, born and raised in Beverly Hills by two Hollywood talent agents. She is the product of divorce, an admitted commitment-phobe, serial dater, marriage first-timer at 51, and badass with a heart of gold.
A former advertising copywriter, Treva is an ICF-certified life coach, dating and relationship coach, and long-time fitness professional. When Treva isn’t dispensing tough love dating advice, she’s a Special Olympics coach and mentor to at-risk kids. She is passionate about politics, policy, and people of all ages and abilities.
Treva co-hosts the podcast Done Being Single with her husband Robby Scharf, a fellow late bloomer. Together, they deliver dating intervention and relationship advice to listeners all over the world. Treva’s writing and interviews have been featured on Bustle, Yahoo Health, AARP, Business News Daily and UpJourney. For more information, visit trevabrandonscharf.com and connect on Twitter (@trevabme), Instagram (@trevabme), and LinkedIn (www.linkedin.com/in/trevabrandonscharf).
Read an excerpt from Done Being Single on “7 Signs You’ve Met Mr. Right.”
Done Being Single is available from Amazon and Bookshop.