Ever explored the online dating world?
I got divorced about nine years ago. A year and a half later I downloaded Tinder. I mean, who isn’t curious about an app that acts as a catalogue for single people? Based on images and a brief bio, including age and interests, you can decide whether you’d like to match with a person, swiping left for no, right for yes.
My ex had the kids every Tuesday and Friday so those became my “dating nights.” Back then Tinder was free and showed your profile pic with a red flashing ring around it which indicates that it’s finding matches in your area based on your specifications like age range and gender preference. I laughed because it felt like an electronic mating call!
Being practical, adventurous, and slightly overwhelmed by all the options, I scheduled three dates on one of the Tuesdays—a pre-dinner drink, dinner, and a nightcap.
I enjoyed the first drink date; he was an architect, tall, dark and handsome. Conversation flowed freely and I was reluctant to end it so quickly, but I had other plans!
The second date was so bizarre. He had aged about 10 years since his profile pic was taken and was carrying as many extra kilos. Guys, sure, we all put our best pics up and our wittiest foot forward on dating apps and when there’s a connection that kind of thing doesn’t really matter, but let’s not completely lie about how we look or who we are right?!
We ordered some wine; I chose to eat steak. 30 minutes or so into our conversation he asked whether I was into BDSM. I’m not going to go into the juicy details of all my sexual preferences but I will tell you that at that moment I could think of nothing worse to discuss with this human. I ended the date shortly after the meal and got out of there as quickly as I could!
I messaged the nightcap guy and said I could meet earlier. By then, I really needed a stiff drink!
The last guy wasn’t a good match for me either, but he was nice enough and we had a laugh and a dance. I went home feeling like I’d been through a bit of a whirlwind, not disillusioned or disappointed. I didn’t have any expectations other than to see how things went. I did go on another date with the architect after that but the more wine he drank, the more he spoke of his ex-fiancee; it was clear he was on the rebound. I prefer not to invite that drama into my life although this is a common scenario!
Shortly after that I bumped into someone I had dated 15 years ago. We picked up where we’d left off and began what would be a six-year relationship. Things ended between us amicably about eight months ago.
Two months ago, I decided to get back into dating app land. I downloaded Tinder again and heard about a new app called Hinge. What appealed to me about Hinge is that there’s more context to each person; you’re required to follow prompts and upload at least six images. This way you can weed out the ones who look great in that one side profile pic with their sunnies on and get a more realistic idea!
I have one story from each app for you.
Scrolling through Tinder, I came across the profile of a guy I thought was cute but his bio was pretty basic. I swiped left. Some days you scroll mindlessly, others you spend a bit more time considering things. About a week later I was out with friends and recognized that guy I’d swiped left on across the bar. He looked better in person and had an engaging energy about him. I turned to my friend and said, “I’m about to be bold.” I walked up to him and asked whether he was on Tinder. When he said he was, I told him I had come across his profile and swiped left but now that I had seen him in person I was having regrets. He asked for my number.
We began chatting and eventually got into a bit of a situationship. He was fresh out of a relationship and not looking for anything serious; I was also enjoy my single freedom and didn’t mind that. Over time, though, my feelings began to grow and I wanted more, but he wasn’t ready. I tried to redefine the relationship to a friendship but it didn’t work. It rarely does, the minute your objectives differ it’s hard to pretend you’re on the same page.
Fast forward a month or two. I tried the Hinge app. I had some interesting convos but was reluctant to meet anyone in person until I was sure it would be a good spend of my time and energy. Then something magical happened. I connected with someone on an intellectual level like I never had before. Our words to one another flowed like fine whiskey and I got completely caught up in this stimulating and engaging situation. Three days later, after nonstop chatting, we met for the first time.
He was super tall, athletic and had a very calm presence to him, not my usual type lookswise but still attractive. I was nervous. I had opened up in those few days in a way I would typically reserve for much further down the line, if at all. Being pulled in as if by an invisible force, I dropped my guard and allowed myself to imagine.
At the end of the night he walked me to my car, I tiptoed awkwardly to hug him and gave him a sort of half lip, half nose peck. He asked if we could try that again. We kissed passionately. I got completely lost in the moment and when I came to my senses I realized I had been caressing his breast. I nearly died! I mumbled something and got in my car and sped off.
He messaged me later to say that he wasn’t quite sure what had happened but he found it really cute.
I felt like a schoolgirl, awkward, excited and so not my usual confident self.
The conversations continued and we shared with one another more and more intimate details about our ideals, dreams and desires. He got his son back for the week and so we planned to see each other the day he dropped him off. He had booked us a salsa lesson. This excited me because I love dancing and couldn’t wait to share it with a guy! Soon after that we went for a long walk around a nature reserve. He hosted me at his home, and by hosted I mean attended to my every need. I felt like I had won the lotto. He was attentive, interesting, thoughtful.
On the second visit to his place I was stuck in traffic and my phone was about to die. He said he’d meet me at the complex gate as I wouldn’t be able to use the code which you needed to scan. Whiling away time listening to music, I couldn’t believe my eyes when he came jogging up past the traffic and hopped in my car to keep me company along the way as he didn’t want my experience to be dampened by my phone dying or the traffic delay. I mean, come on, guys, who the f does that?!?!
When I talk about it now, I’m like, well, if it seems to good to be true… But at the time, I just allowed myself to imagine that things like this did happen. That there were men out there who wanted to help you break down your walls and believe you were someone who was worth being pampered and cared for in every way imaginable…
So what happened?
The truth is, I told him I was meeting a guy friend one afternoon for coffee as he said he wanted to chew my ear off about something and I thought I’d take the opportunity to get my friend to help me find something in my storage unit. It made him uncomfortable although he said I’d given him no reason not to trust me. That evening after some more reflection I opened up a little more and told him I was falling for him. He replied with a synopsis of the things he liked about me too.
I’m going to only put one of his messages in here for context. “I enjoy your femininity, your energy, intellect and EQ. It’s so refreshing to meet a woman who has learnt and explored herself to the level you have. I see you as a wealthy person. You may not have the success that you want financially or the purpose perhaps but you have so much more that can provide true happiness. For now, I just want to take it slowly and enjoy the time we have together.”
After that we said our goodnights. The next morning and for the rest of the day he was unusually vague and sent apologies like sorry, I’m in meetings, etc.
It wasn’t like him; I could feel him pulling away. That evening, after I told him that although he may need space to process things, his pulling away created space for me to feel unsafe. Eventually he replied, saying that he didn’t understand why when we were building something, I would invest time in someone else and that yesterday it had made him feel uncomfortable but by today he felt proper anxiety. He felt I hadn’t fully closed the door on my exes and relationships with my guy friends and that as a result a spark had been lost for him.
Just a side note here, he also made an observation a week or two before that about my addiction to my vape. I’m mentioning this because I think in his eyes I had unhealthy attachments to things and that was not a foundation he wanted to build something on. It’s hard for me to admit but also not difficult to say because I know these things about myself. You don’t know me or my story but I can tell you that there is abandonment involved and a strong sense of having to do things alone, in parenting, business and in love. Perhaps I do hold on to things past their due; perhaps I struggle to let go for fear of feeling alone and unsupported again.
But one thing I can tell you is I am fiercely loyal and would never disrespect my growing connection to someone. In the right environment, with the right care, I believe I could let go. I want to, I want to let go and have the faith to hold on all at the same time.
I did mention this, in different words, but it was too late; he had cast me aside. All those words, all those vulnerable moments, only to be washed away like writing on the seashore.
I was left in shock. I took some time to recompose, with me telling myself that at least I had experienced an inkling of what I wanted and deserved and that despite the disappointment, I would rise again in hope and with a better understanding of what I needed.
I need to mention that a week later he wrote a post on Instagram about a blooming connection he was experiencing. I asked him whether he was seeing someone and that if he were so soon after the experience of what we had shared, I would need to unfollow him. He told me that he never meant to hurt me with his words and was sorry that him being him was hurting me. That his clock was ticking and that he didn’t have time to waste. I was taken aback. I’ll share just one of my personal messages in response. This was officially the moment I became unhinged.
“I have nothing to lose by saying the following.
We offered our words and essentially a very vulnerable part ourselves up to one another in a very short space of time. It is difficult for me to imagine that that meant as little to you as you’re suggesting in your response. Although it’s clear that your approach is to assert your boundaries firmly as soon as you see a red flag, I also feel you are rather insensitive and lack acknowledgement of the fact that with your clock ticking analogy you may hurt people in your wake.
I am not hurt by you being you. I am hurt that I trusted you with my words, time and energy only to be shut out via Whatsapp and now further via Instagram.
As someone who is as self-aware as you are, I am just pointing out that along the way, you may consciously or unconsciously hurt people with your approach.”
He didn’t reply.
So fellow singletons, what would you have said/done? Have you ever been in a similar situation? Have you deleted dating apps with a partner in hand or are you still experiencing the online dating world rollercoaster? Have you met anyone that turned out to be a dick in shiny armour?
Tell me your stories! The happy and the sad, the weird and the ugly, let’s share this messy journey of love and life together. You can reach me at tamsynstwocents at gmail.com