Romance and hot sex. It’s what most of us want in our relationships. It might even be the reason why some people partner up to begin with, or the reason why people break up if there’s a lack of it. It’s been said that romance novels and movies are like porn for women. But what are these narratives saying to women about what relationships could or should look like?
I recently attended the Massachusetts Conference for Women, which I signed up for specifically because I saw that Reese Witherspoon was a speaker (who doesn’t love Reese?) She mentioned that her film company was focusing on romance projects in 2023 to inspire more love and hope around relationships. Yes, we need this! But here’s where I wonder if we as a society are having enough conversations about this topic: I totally agree with Reese’s concept and also pose the questions, “What does a good model of romance and relationships look like? Is it healthy to consume content based on our old notions of what romance is and our traditional Hallmark movies?” This is a topic I’m passionate about because the “fairy tale” mindset I used to have around relationships as an adult woman almost ruined my life.
In my 2022 memoir Who Is Your Red Dress? One Woman’s Quest to Break Up with a Love Addiction, I tell the spicy and entertaining yet tumultuous story of my on-again-off-again “situationship” with a man in the salsa dancing scene. For anyone who isn’t familiar with the term situationship, consider yourself lucky! It’s a relationship that is ambiguous and uncertain, playing a huge role in the devastating nature of them. In my own past and in the case of many of my clients as a breakup and relationship coach, these relationships can lead to decreased self-confidence, self-worth, and ability to trust one’s own decisions. And yet, with these side effects and more, why did I keep going back to this same man after repeated breakups for years? It was my romantic narrative. I kept hoping that everything would just work out, like a romance novel or movie. A passage from Who Is Your Red Dress? describes it best:
“And so, dancing with Santiago in these places put us in our own world together, our connection cementing the romantic version of us that I held so dear. I too was captivated by this holographic love story.”
The story I kept telling myself paralyzed my ability to get into an actual healthy relationship for years. So I wonder: What is a “healthy” dose of romance and what does that look like in real, functional, sustainable relationships? If this was portrayed in books and movies, maybe the quality of our relationships would improve with more realistic expectations for partnerships.
Who Is Your Red Dress? One Woman’s Quest to Break Up With a Love Addiction is available from Amazon and Bookshop.
