Flirting via text is one of my favorite sexy time activities. It’s lower pressure than flirting IRL, you can take your time, revise and edit, and even call for backup when you’re stuck. For the less verbally-inclined among us, though, it can feel intimidating.

Once you’ve got those digits, here’s how to proceed:

1) Get permission to flirt. If you’re not 100% sure if the object of your affection is game for some hot flirting action, or if you want to make sure flirting fits within the parameters of their existing relationship agreement, check in first.

 

“I want to tell you about the hot dream I had about you last night. Would you like that?”

“I’ve been having some naughty thoughts since we last hooked up. Wanna hear them?”

“You are super cute and I like flirting with you. Can I keep doing it?”

2) Escalate with care. Pay attention to the tone that’s been set by your interactions so far. Is it playful and sweet? Super filthy? Somewhere in between? Note what’s working and tip toe towards the more sexual if it feels right.

3) Reveal, don’t demand. It’s okay to ask for a sexy fantasy from your flirt-friend, but it’s a good idea to establish trust by revealing intimate aspects of yourself more often.

“I woke up thinking about how much I want to kiss you.”

“I had a fun idea I’d like to try next time we see each other. May I share?”

“I have an elaborate bondage fantasy starring you. Want to hear it?”

4) Understand the lag time, but let them know if there will be a long delay. You will likely establish a rhythm with your flirt-friend. Some folks keep their phones on them all the time, while others only check their messages sporadically. While the lack of required immediacy is one of the best parts of text-flirting, it can also exacerbate anxiety or insecurity, particularly if there’s no clear pattern to when and how you respond. If it’s going to take you a long time to properly respond to a text, try to give them a heads up. Transparency is key in this kind, and all kinds, of communication.

5) Coyness ≠ Confusion. It’s okay to play it cool, but fostering confusion is manipulative. Don’t hang back from responding to a date request just to play hard to get. Don’t withhold your feelings or answers to direct questions just to manifest an air of mystery. You’re more likely to foster frustration and resentment. Be kind. Handle people’s hearts with care.

6) Assume good intent. This is just a generally helpful life rule, but it goes extra for texting. Ever notice how texts don’t include tone of voice or eye contact? This is one common way we flatten discourse, wherein the tech removes context clues. This can make it much easier to misinterpret the intent of the person you’re talking to. If something feels off to you, ask for clarity.

Sexy Pics

Who doesn’t love getting a sexy picture from a sexy friend? Sharing pics can up the energy in a text flirtation, but they come with their own set of etiquette.

Do’s & Don’t of Sending Photo Sexts

DO ask permission. Don’t just send a picture of your genitals without asking. Ask first. You can do this in a flirty way: “I just got out of the shower and am looking fly. Can I send a pic?” Make sure you get a ‘yes’ from the person before you any nekkid shots. If they say “no,” respect it and don’t read too much into it. They may have a work cell phone or nosy kids, or they may just prefer to imagine the sexy.

DO remember that sexts are forever. The world is full of horror stories of folks being hurt by pictures they’ve sent to an ex. Don’t send anything that you aren’t okay with living on in the interminable memory of the internet. And yes, internet security being what it is, the government can Totally See Your Junk. That is a fact. If that freaks you out, don’t send the pics. Also, if you’re underage, play it safe and stick to text! You could be prosecuted for “distributing child porn” even if you’re sending pictures of yourself.

DON’T send pictures if you don’t want to, and don’t let anyone guilt you into sending pictures you aren’t comfortable with. Your body, your choice.

DO keep your face out of the frame if that feels better for you. It may not protect you from the government Totally Seeing Your Junk, or s**tty exes saying, That Is Totally My Ex’s Junk, but it does add some deniability.

DO know that words are good, too. If you don’t want to send booty shots, why not some choice dirty talk? Send a couple lines of things you want to do to your sweetie the next time you see them, or choice memories from the last time you were together. Yum.

 

Pro Tip: My partner loves sending me nudes when I’m traveling. It helps keep the romance alive. It’s also super awkward to get a big ol’ dick pic when I’m, for instance, getting settled on a plane. So, if you’re feeling the urge to send some filth to your flame, ask if they’d prefer a picture or some text. It’s good practice to mix it up and helps avoid awkward seatmate situations. ++

Do’s & Don’ts of Receiving Sexts

DO be gracious. Just one heart-eyed emoji usually doesn’t cut it. Thank them for the nice picture, tell them what it made you think of, reciprocate with a picture or dirty talk if that works for you. Let them know how sexy/beautiful/f***able you think they look.

DON’T go all radio silence. Your sweetie can’t see you blush or smile. Say something.

DO delete them when asked. Yes, every single one. Yes, from everywhere.

DON’T share them! Respect the people who share their bodies with you! Don’t violate their privacy by showing the pictures to anyone else. If you want to show the picture to your bestie, ask permission from the sender first.

For the love of all that is good in the world, DON’T POST PUBLICLY ON THE INTERNET. Not only is it unethical, it’s also illegal. Revenge porn is a crime and a form of sexual assault. Don’t f***ing do it.

Okay, so now that we’ve laid the ground rules, what makes a good sext?

 

* Know your audience. Is your sweetie fond of your booty? Or maybe your lips? Do they like a little left to the imagination? Or do they want to see it ALL? Knowing what your partner likes will help you figure out a good shot. One person’s pout is another one’s crotch shot.

* Framing, Lighting, & Angle. Photography is an art, so why not treat it like one? Pay attention to what’s in frame, and what’s not. Sometimes cutting off the shot juuuuuust at the edge of the goods can be superbly titillating. Consider using a mirror or a selfie stick to improve your ability to reach the right spots. Bright ambient light is generally good for cell phone snaps, but it can also reveal a little too much sometimes. Play with light and shadow to upgrade your smut to art.

* Authenticity is a virtue. While filters and photo editing can bolster your ego or make you feel extra cute, go easy on the special effects.

* Timing. Away from your sweetie for a while? It can be fun to “re-up” their gooey feelings for you by sending a sext in between dates, or when you know they’ve had a tough day. Consider sending a sext to let them know you just masturbated thinking of them. Depending on their sense of humor, use caution when sexting during business hours, lest your goods make an accidental appearance in the conference room.

Sexting can help keep the spark alive even when social distancing is a necessity. Just because you can’t share the same air space, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy some hot times together. Experiment, communicate, and above all, HAVE FUN!

Reprinted with permission from Getting It: A Guide to Hot, Healthy Hookups and Shame-Free Sex by Allison Moon (Ten Speed Press), available from Amazon and Bookshop.

Hear Allison Moon speak on Saturday, February 11, 2023 at the Residence 11 Desire Summit on Sex and Relationships in Los Angeles and livestreaming worldwide. Get tickets here.