We’re proud to bring you an interview with Brooklyn-based sex educator Dirty Lola, one of the experts featured in the new Netflix show Principles of Pleasure. The Brooklyn-based educator has a long resume in the sexuality field, including co-hosting New York magazine’s web series Sex Probz, hosting the in-person show Sex Ed A Go Go, and selling sex toys at Brooklyn sex toy store Shag.
We asked Dirty Lola about how she got involved in sex education, how to have a better sex life, what sex toy is selling like hotcakes, anti-racism, why polyamory isn’t the only type of ethical non-monogamy and more. Keep reading to find out what a week in the life of a sex educator is really like, get tips on improving your sex life and find out which aspect of sex she gets asked about most often.
How long have you been a sex educator, and how did you get into the field?
I’ve been working in sex education in some capacity for almost a decade. I started with a Twitter account and a blog talking about sex, relationships, and my journeys into polyamory and kink. This was back when Twitter was still the wild west. Before the corporations moved in and nudity wouldn’t get you shadowbanned. Twitter was where I found my voice and learned that telling your business on the internet can help others just as much as talking about things is helping you. My work has always centered around sharing the personal alongside the facts and making it entertaining.
You work in sex education in many different ways. Can you give our readers an overview of the types of sex ed you do and what a typical week is like for you? Let’s see, where do I begin?
My work is a mix of freelance gigs, working for myself and working a wage gig, but all of these jobs fit under the sex education umbrella. Currently, I’m the creative director of the Spectrum Journal, an online sexuality magazine offshoot of the online sex shop Spectrum Boutique. Twice a week, I work at a small woman-owned boutique brick-and-mortar sex shop called Shag. My job at Spectrum is relatively new, but I’ve been at Shag for eight years. I’ve done everything there, from coordinating the workshop program to managing the store. If I made up a pie chart with all of my jobs, these two would be half the pie. Quarterly I teach a Sex Toy 101 Course for EDSE’s Sex Educator Certification program. That may all seem pretty straightforward, but this is where the rest of the pie chart comes in. I teach workshops at various sex shops and colleges around the country (thanks to zoom), and I work as a brand ambassador for various sex toys brands. Then there are the influencer gigs, consultations (business and individual), podcast appearances, speaker panels, and media work. I’m probably forgetting something. I always leave one job out. lol.
A typical week during my busy season starts with a planning session on Mondays. During that time, I go over my calendar for the week, check my emails, send out invoices, and create various project-based to-do lists. Tuesdays and Wednesdays tend to be very meeting-heavy for me. Every other Thursday, I’m at Shag behind the counter, slinging dildos. Weekends are never weekends. Occasionally I have a day to myself, but Fridays and Saturdays tend to be workshop days. Sundays, I’m back at Shag. Of course, this can all be blown to bits if I’m traveling for work or have a large project looming over me.
What overarching philosophy or message guides your work in sex education, and how did you develop this approach?
I wholeheartedly believe that pleasure is wellness and that learning about your body and how it works is essential. I strive to make sex ed more accessible through entertainment. I’ve always said I want to be the Schoolhouse Rock! of Sex Ed. When you’re being entertained while you learn, it sticks. We all know about conjunctions, bills, and electricity because of School House Rock. You’re probably humming one of those songs right now. That’s what I want to give the adults and young adults in this country comprehensive sex-ed knowledge that stays with them because I made it fun.
What topic or topics do you get asked about the most regarding sex? Are there any that surprise you?
EVERYONE asks about butt stuff. I’ve never hosted a Q&A that didn’t have at least five different questions about anal sex or anal toys. Honestly, nothing surprises me at this point. I’ve heard it all.
One of your many projects has been Sex Ed a Go-Go. Can you share how the show works and why doing live events has been an important part of your work? Do you have plans to resume live events?
HA!! I was right! I did forget one of my jobs! Sex Ed A Go-Go is a live Sex Ed Q&A variety show. During the show, the audience can anonymously ask me and my two guests (The Pussy Posse) whatever love, sex, and relationship questions their hearts desire. We bring a bit of humor to taboo topics and make hard questions more digestible. In between the questions and answers, we have various types of performance.
Sex Ed A Go-Go is my baby. It makes my heart sing. Sadly, it’s been over two years since my last show because of the pandemic. I’m hoping to resume doing live shows this summer.
You work at the sex toy store Shag in Brooklyn. What kinds of toys are most popular with customers? What trends have you noticed regarding the popularity of sex toys?
Air pulse, suction, and thrusting toys are super popular right now. We’ve noticed that when a mainstream magazine or website talks about a toy, everyone comes in looking for it. For instance, the Rose, everyone, and their mama want a Rose right now. It’s not even that great of a product, but it’s getting folks to come in and ask about it, and we’re able to talk to them about better quality toys that are the same style.
You’ve spoken out about inequalities regarding race within the sex education field. Can you tell us about how you’ve been treated as a Black woman within the industry?
Most BIPOC folks in Sex Education, myself included, have had to work harder than many of our white counterparts to get where we are in this industry. That’s not an opinion. It’s a hard fact that many folks don’t want to hear. I have tons of light-skin privilege, which means I was often tokenized. It’s getting better, but I was often the only black person in the room for a while. Meaning, It was left up to me to call that out. Even if it meant not being invited back to speak or getting push back from the white folks in the room. I could’ve remained quiet and just kept it moving, I’d probably be further along, but I wanted to push for change more than I wanted the accolades or money.
I’ve given up many opportunities because it meant working with problematic people. I couldn’t celebrate my first nomination for Sex Educator of the year because I was the only black person on that list. The only black person. Do you know how many black educators there are?? Instead, I launched a call-out. Needless to say, I did not win. White people in this business don’t have to make those kinds of decisions for the most part. They get to ignore the injustice and take the money and accolades. Sure they get a side-eye from folks, but when the system is set up to award that kind of compliance, side-eye doesn’t do much.
What can leaders in the field can do to be anti-racist and create more opportunities for sex educators of color?
- Call out racist behavior from institutions when you see it. Stop waiting for BIPOC people to be up in arms about it first.
- When the opportunity arises to work with an organization, ask who else is working on that project, and If it’s all white, ask why.
- Give up your opportunity to a marginalized person you think or know would be a better fit.
- Create projects with Marginalized folks in mind.
- Seek out BIPOC folks to collaborate with genuinely, not just for optics.
You’re an expert in the new Netflix series Principles of Pleasure about women’s pleasure. Can you tell us what to expect from the series and why you wanted to work on it?
The Principles of Pleasure is a 3 episode docuseries narrated by Michelle Buteau, and it’s all about pleasure and how pleasure is such a taboo topic, especially among women. The show features interviews with sex educators, scientists, therapists, and everyday folks. It will touch on issues like the orgasm gap and why we don’t see as many scientific studies on sex and pleasure as we do on other topics. The main takeaway of the documentary is that pleasure is more than a desire. It’s a necessity.
You’re openly polyamorous and have called out the practice of men on OkCupid saying they’re polyamorous but actually hiding that from their wives, which is cheating. What other obstacles have you faced in the dating realm regarding polyamory?
The biggest obstacle I’m facing right now is that people want to label every kind of nonmonogamy polyamory. Polyamory is just one type of ethical nonmonogamy, and labeling it all polyamory is just confusing and wrong. There are a lot of folks calling themselves polyamorous who are really just dating, and I need folks to realize dating is an actual thing that doesn’t require fidelity to one person but most certainly isn’t polyamory. It’s the trial period before you decide to commit, and if you’re going to be monogamous with one person at the end of that period, you are not polyamorous. You were just dating. Stop it. LOL
What do you wish more people knew about polyamory? How would that help them navigate thinking about and/or practicing polyamory?
I want folks to realize that while there are different ways to practice polyamory; it isn’t the only type of ethical nonmonogamy. Taking time to learn about the different relationship styles will come in handy as you begin to date and connect with others. It’ll save you a lot of time and heartbreak if you are close or on the same page as the person or persons you are interested in seeing.
In the years you’ve been a sex educator, what do you think is the most positive way our society’s attitudes have changed about sex and relationships?
It’s been amazing seeing sex and relationship move from the late-night spank bank cable space to the mainstream daytime talk show and streaming channel spaces. Even with all of the obstacles we still face, it fills me with joy that you can find multiple shows discussing sex, love, relationships, sexuality, and gender all over the place.
On the other side, where does our society most need to make changes to create more space for open discussion of sex and relationships?
One of the most significant changes that need to be made ASAP is to stop creating legislature that makes it difficult for sex educators like myself to do our work. Legislation like SESTA FOSTA was designed to combat human trafficking. Still, it’s done little to do that, and in the meantime, it has made it extremely hard for folks to do the vital work of educating kids, teens, and adult age-appropriate sex education.
What’s one action people can take today to have a better sex life?
Learn about your body. Take some time to explore your body, what makes you feel good, what doesn’t make you feel good. Take the time to think about your needs, desires, and boundaries. Knowing these things will make it easier to communicate them to someone else.
What’s next for you?
Work is back in full swing for me. Besides working with Shag and The Spectrum Journal, I’ll be traveling to trade shows soon, teaching an online workshop at the end of the month, and speaking at a local college at the beginning of April. As far as big longer-term projects go, I filmed with HBO this year but can’t talk about it yet, and I’ll be taking Sex Ed A Go-Go to Bali next year. I’m definitely going to be BUSY.
Hear Dirty Lola speak on the state of modern dating at the Residence 11 Desire Summit on Sex and Relationships on February 11, 2023 in Los Angeles and livestreaming worldwide. Get tickets here.