Be straight with yourself here. Which relationships are a bit of a sore spot in your life right now? Which one just came to mind when I asked the question? Yes, that one too. There’s something afoot in those situations that may not be obvious to you. Your entire life is a function of relationships. All of it. Your love life, your career, your hobbies, your pets, your finances, your successes. It’s all relationships.
First, you’ve got your relationship with your parents, both in the past and in the present. And we all know how you relate to that one can f**k you up.
Then there’s the relationship with your current or future spouse—how you get along (or don’t) will affect you daily for the next ten, twenty, or eighty years, from the moment you wake up in the morning until the moment you kiss (or sulk at) each other good night.
Then there’s the relationship with your boss and your co-workers. Are they assholes? Are you an asshole back? Then don’t hold your breath for that next promotion.
There’s the relationship with your best friend. Oh, the times you’ve spent together, the laughter, the tears. And then there’s your not-so-best friend. And that distant acquaintance you sometimes cross paths with at the gym. What was their name again?
But it doesn’t stop there. There’s your dentist. Your landlord. The heroic driver that delivers all that s**t you order from Amazon.
Then there’re the nonhumans. Your dog, your cat, your hamster. The neighbor’s dog, the bird that’s always in the tree outside your window. You may not talk to them—or at least they don’t talk back. But you still have a relationship.
And your relationship network even extends to inanimate objects. You have a relationship with your car, your house, and even your favorite pair of shoes. Here we’re using the broader sense of the word “relationship” to indicate a connection between you and the object, place, or even idea.
You’re connected to the place where you grew up. You’re connected to your go-to comfort food. And many of us, you’ll probably agree, are a little too connected to our smartphones.
Your consciousness is a function of all you are conscious of, and you have some kind of relationship with everything you are conscious of.
Hell, you have a relationship with me right now, whether you’re reading or listening to this. You’re thinking, “Hey, I like this guy” or maybe “Ah, what a load of old s**t.”
Even the relationships we seem to lack are still forms of relationships. You’re still in a relationship with your ex, even if you haven’t talked to them in years. And if you’re single, that’s a relationship too. You’re related to your mate by your lack of a mate. It’s a relationship defined by its absence.
Here’s what you have to realize: every element of your life is so filled with relationships that the quality of those relationships dictates the quality of your life. How well they’re going is how well you’re going, and your ability to empower yourself to be free or in charge of your own hooks and triggers in all of those situations will be key to your success.
And if your story insists you’re not good at relationships, well, you’re f**ked. It’s as simple as that.
So here’s the coaching—Get good. Quick.
Excerpted from Love Unf*cked: Get Your Relationship Sh!t Together by Gary John Bishop and reprinted with permission from HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. Copyright 2022. Available from Amazon and Bookshop.