Molly Roden Winter has been making headlines for her New York Times bestselling book More: A Memoir of Open Marriage, her story about being a happily married mother and teacher who made the leap to explore sex and relationships outside of her marriage.
Roughly 15 years ago, Molly Roden Winter, wife and mother of two young boys in Park Slope, Brooklyn, knew she wanted more. More of what, she wasn’t exactly sure until a chance encounter with a friend of a friend asked her on a date. When she mentioned it to her husband, he suggested she accept, which she did. That was a decision that changed the couple’s lives and lead to Winter getting More out of life.
We are excited to announce that Molly Roden Winter will be one of our guest speakers at R11 Desire Summit on Intimacy & Relationships, which will take place on April 13th & 14th 2024 in Jersey City, NJ. You’re not going to want to miss this great experience to share space with modern relationship experts, performers, and Romance and Erotica authors share their experiences and insights!
We caught up with Molly to discuss her new book and her ask her about her experience with an open marriage.
Our Residence 11 Exclusive Q & A with Molly Roden Winter
Why did you decide to open up your marriage?
Opening my marriage didn’t exactly feel like a decision. What really happened is that, having given so much of my being to marriage and to motherhood, I reached a breaking point. I needed to reclaim myself. And sexual freedom was the form this reclamation took.
What did this kind of freedom allow you to do?
Sexual freedom helped me to get to know my own deepest self, a person that existed outside the roles of “wife” and “mother.” The idea that living things need space makes sense to most of us in the abstract. We know that for a houseplant to flourish, it requires a pot large enough to give its roots room to develop. Animals do not thrive in captivity. People are the same, and we need to create space within our relationships, especially marriage, so that we can continue to feel free.
In his Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke aptly describes how this might look: “The point of marriage is not to…[tear] down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude.” Was opening our marriage the only way Stewart and I could guard one another’s solitude, the only way I could find the space I needed for self-discovery? Of course not. But my experience confirms the words of Audre Lorde: “The erotic is the nurturer… of all our deepest knowledge.”
Were there any setbacks or challenges to this arrangement as a married mother?
Everything is harder when you have young kids and time is a finite resource. One widely held belief in our culture is that mothers should prioritize time with their children over everything else. But the good old “oxygen mask” analogy is worth repeating here. If a mother doesn’t care for herself, she can’t take care of her children. Furthermore, mothers are often expected to lop off pieces of themselves—particularly their sexuality—in order to fit into society’s Mom Suit. It’s a belief I once held, too.
And I can’t speak to every mother’s experience, but speaking for myself, I think my kids benefited from my taking time to nurture my own personhood. I have sons, and as they grow into adulthood (they’re now 22 and 19), I think they will be better partners because they know their mother is a whole person. They also know that they’re not going to shock me when something real is going on in their lives. I haven’t sanitized myself for them, so they don’t have to sanitize themselves for me. I value the authenticity that has arisen in our relationship because I refused to be a two-dimensional mom from central casting rather than a three-dimensional person.
What advice would you give to others looking to open their marriages?
I have a few pieces of advice. First, decide if you really want to try. Non-monogamy is not a quick fix for a failing relationship—it’s more like relationship boot camp. It will not be easy. Buckle your seatbelts and take it slow. Is one partner more enthusiastic than the other about opening up? A good rule of thumb is that the person with the greatest trepidation goes first—and sets the pace.
Second, be ready to hone your communication skills. One saying in the poly community is that “swingers have sex without talking; poly folk talk without having sex.” It’s true that polyamory requires a great deal of communication, honest introspection and compassion for yourself as as well as your partners. If communication isn’t your strong suit, you may want to consider developing your skill set with a couple’s therapist.
Third, make friends with jealousy. The Ethical Slut, long considered the Bible of polyamory, says this: “Jealousy is often the mask worn by the most difficult inner conflict you have going on right now.” For me, jealousy was a mask for my own insecurity, my fear that I would lose my husband’s love, and a desire for more attention. Instead of burying my needs as I used to, I now express them freely—and my husband can help me hold them.
Finally, stay curious about yourself. Notice what feels good. Be willing to dig underneath the things that are challenging. Regardless of the particulars of your life, it is out of awareness that self-discovery happens. As my mother tells me in MORE, “Everything that happens in life is an opportunity to learn about yourself. Don’t waste this opportunity.”