Victoria and Grant, both divorced for over a year, were introduced by a friend and began dating. They both enjoyed each other’s company, going on motorcycle rides, weekend getaways, and exploring their joint love for finding unique art galleries.
She shared with Grant many times that while she loved her time with him, her primary focus was on her children. Both sons were still in college, and one son was having a hard time emotionally dealing with the divorce. Grant, however, wanted more. He was recently retired, his married children were older than Victoria’s, and Grant simply wanted more of Victoria’s time.
If you were Grant, how would you ask Victoria for more time?
A really good way Grant could ask would be this: “Victoria, we have been together now for eight months, and I could not be happier. Every time I see you or hear your voice, I know there is no one else I’d rather spend time with than you. Can we talk about how we can find a way to spend more time together?”
Here are some of the reactions Victoria might give:
- “I told you I can’t.”
- “I told you my sons are my priority.”
- “You don’t think we spend enough time now?”
- “What kind of time are we talking about?”
- “For me, the time we have together is perfect.”
I can keep adding to the list of potential responses, but let’s stick with these for now so that you can see the importance of the 75 Percent/ 25 Percent Rule when it comes to saying something to the person’s reaction to your ask. [My rule for whatever response you receive is that you talk 25 percent of the time, and they talk 75 percent. The way you keep this proportion is by asking good questions. If the proportion goes the other way, with you doing three-quarters of the talking, you will not be able to get to the heart of exactly what the person is thinking.]
Victoria’s responses are pretty defensive, some outright angry, which could cause Grant to be harsh and defensive back. Rather than go down that path, this is how Grant can ask good questions and get to the heart of what’s behind Victoria’s reactions:
- “I told you I can’t.”
Yes, you did, and I heard you. Do you foresee a time—say, in a few months or a year—when we may be able to spend more time together?
- “I told you my sons are my priority,”
Of course, as it should be, and I totally understand. Do you think there are some things I can help you with your sons that I’m not doing now?
- “You don’t think we spend enough time now?”
I love our time together. I just would like more of it. Do you think we could add going for a walk or meeting for coffee once a week?
- “What kind of time are we talking about?”
How about we look at our calendars and take this month by month to see where we both might find more time for each other? Would that work for you?
- “For me, the time we have together is perfect.”
I understand, but I had to be honest and try. How about we talk about this in a few months and see how we both feel?
Notice that each response Grant gives is a question. That will get Victoria to open up more and allow Grant to fully understand her why. Why is it that she doesn’t want to spend more time with him right now? Grant could have gotten very defensive back by saying something like the following:
- “I don’t understand why you can’t. Your sons are away at college.”
- “Are you saying you don’t have the time—or that you don’t want to spend more time with me?”
I am sure I’ve made some pretty defensive remarks when someone asked me to do something that made me feel like I was losing myself and my independence, when deep down I was scared to share so much of myself. I of course correct myself now (not always perfectly, I admit) by practicing how to ask a question back in a calm and non-judgmental way.
That is the only way two people can fully understand each other when an ask is made.
Originally published in Hard Asks Made Easy: How to Get Exactly What You Want by Laura Fredricks, JD, published by Advantage Books, 2023.
Hard Asks Made Easy: How to Get Exactly What You Want is available from Amazon and Bookshop.