Hey there, I’m Taylor Hahn, author of a novel called The Lifestyle coming out on June 7. It’s part romantic comedy, part homage to Jane Austen’s Emma, part contemporary exploration of marriage, friendship, and what it means to be truly free and happy. But most importantly, it’s a novel about swingers.
To be exact, it’s a novel about three monogamous couples who decide to join the lifestyle because they are convinced it will help their relationships. For example, the heroine, Georgina, caught her husband cheating, and she believes swinging will not only reignite some spark and chase in their marriage, but also give her back control of her life by setting boundaries they both agree on. Her best friend, Norah, is sick of being treated like her husband’s personal laundromat, cook, and nanny. She hopes that joining the lifestyle will remind her husband she’s a sexual woman with needs so he’ll start treating her with respect. And then there’s Felix, who’s really on the fence about the whole thing, but his girlfriend has had positive experiences with ethical non-monogamy, and it’s important to her that she continue to have her sexual freedom, so he agrees.
Of course, they underestimate what they’re in for. Like I did, when I started writing this book.
At first, I thought a novel about swingers would be really fun—and it is, trust me. There’s a sex club with an indoor jacuzzi, themed rooms (princess, safari, space…), a role-playing scenario involving a subway flasher who gets jumped by the police and cuffed to a bedpost, and a naked dance party. But a bunch of wild sex scenes does not a novel make (unfortunately). I had to dig into what my characters would experience emotionally, how they would change and learn and grow. That’s when I realized I was trying to write a book about the lifestyle without understanding the lifestyle.
So I took to the internet. I read websites like this one, and blogs, and message boards, and even formal research by marriage counselors on outcomes of ethical non-monogamy (spoiler: they’re good—couples in the lifestyle divorce at significantly lower rates). I realized that even though I didn’t judge couples in the lifestyle, I was still pretty closed-minded about it. That’s a recipe for disaster, I’d think. But the more I learned, the more I realized that was not true. The lifestyle was a fulfilling experience for the vast majority of couples whose experiences I read about. It improved their trust, communication, and satisfaction. That realization deepened the narrative of my book, and changed the trajectory of my characters’ experiences. The lifestyle doesn’t ruin anything for them. It turns out to be the best decision they ever made.
I’ve noticed some readers are turned off by the premise of my book because they don’t like the idea of swinging generally. And that’s fine—certainly, the lifestyle is not for everyone. It is a personal choice, and one that should be discussed at length with one’s partner. (As one character in The Lifestyle puts it, “We talk about it before we go, then talk about it again. What we’re going to do, what our boundaries are, who we are looking for, what to do if someone wants to leave.”). But I do hope that readers who are initially turned off by the mere idea of a non-monogamous marriage ask themselves why, and decide to read the book to learn something about a decision they might not understand. And hey, maybe they’ll get a little curious…the naked dance party is just THAT fun.
I think The Lifestyle would be a very different book if I hadn’t begun from an uninformed place, and gone on a journey to grow and understand. If I’d come into writing as an experienced participant in the lifestyle, the book would have been more like a tell-all. If I’d never deeply engaged with the reasons why couples choose the lifestyle, my characters’ experiences would have been shallower and more disastrous. This way, Georgina’s experience mirrors my own—she first thinks her friend is totally nuts when she confesses that she and her husband have recently started swinging. But after Georgina is convinced to give it a try, she realizes how wrong she was. The lifestyle ends up setting her free. I hope readers have the same experience.
The Lifestyle is available from Amazon and Bookshop. Read an excerpt from The Lifestyle.
Hear Taylor Hahn speak on Saturday, February 11, 2023 at the Residence 11 Desire Summit on Sex and Relationships in Los Angeles and livestreaming worldwide. Get tickets here.