Writing a polyamory dating profile on sites like Tinder, Bumble or eHarmony can sometimes be a bit anxiety-inducing if you’re seeking alternative lifestyles and relationships. (There are also polyamory apps like Open, Feeld, and PolyFinda, which we will address in a future post.) Do you dare to write that you’re non-monogamous in your profile? Or is it better to wait and share that information after the first or maybe even second date? Do you announce that you’re already engaged in multiple relationships? What if you and your partner want to find a unicorn for an occasional guest star to your relationship? How do you create a profile that doesn’t come off as creepy or tacky? Here are some helpful tips to point you in the right direction and get you started on your mission of writing the perfect polyamorous dating profile.
Step 1: Include your relationship style in your profile.
It might be scary for some of us, I know. But sharing that you’re interested in polyamory is especially important if you’re looking for more than just sex. It’s also important to be clear with your wants and desires from the start to avoid wasting anyone’s time. Let’s face it—time is precious; why wait until the end of a date to let someone know that you aren’t interested in monogamy? That could be viewed as deceitful, and in a way it would be if someone is specifically looking for monogamy or LTRs. Save yourself and your date the trouble by being upfront about your needs in your profile.
Here’s an example of a sentence someone might start with in a polyamory dating profile to get across their main relationship story in a nutshell: “I’m a queer white kinky polyamorous switch in two committed LTRs, and I am primarily into trans grrrls and MoC folks.” This type of blatant honesty will align you with direct success in that it automatically deters racists, heterosexual cisgender people and people searching for monogamous dating. You could also try lines like: “I have lots of different types of relationships, and I’m excited to see what kind of relationship I could have with someone else,” “poly/open, you should be too,” or “firmly poly/ethically non-monogamous.” Whatever your wishes are, be clear and upfront about them to help save yours and others’ time and energy. Remember that being that bold will help you find the people you’re looking for faster, and save some people from possible hurt feelings or confusion at the least.
Step 2: Be transparent about relationships and clear on their definitions.
“Non-monogamy” is an umbrella term that includes a ton of concepts and it’s important to remember that people have different working definitions based on their age, geographical location, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc.. It’s important to be aware of this to avoid any complications in sometimes delicate situations. For example, if I’m traveling for work and only in a city for a few days, my visiting profile might read: “Only in town for the weekend! Looking for new erotic friendships and hook-up buddies who want to stay in touch for play.” Simply writing that I’m not looking for a “long-term relationship” wouldn’t be enough information, since each long-term relationship looks different from the next and you’re not actually saying what you are willing to get up to or not.
Step 3: Include your partner’s profile when possible.
Sure, a shared profile is great if you are on a poly-specific dating site, but we all know we widen the net by using more common dating sites like Tinder. When doing this, be sure to make it clear upfront that you are part of a couple or in an open relationship. Some people use the label “non-monogamous” dishonestly with the goal of gaining increased access to more sexual partners. These people are often in monogamous commitments yet advertise themselves as “non-monogamous” online so they can have their erotic cake and eat it too. Most responsible participants in open relationships prefer transparent, consensual non-monogamy, and they want no part of the lying, cheating and possible heartbreak that this disingenuous approach could entail. Be honest with a potential partner about exactly what you and your current partner’s or partners’ arrangement is. Some partners have rules around their open relationship that they can have sex with other people, however, no emotional connection or relationship is allowed, while others may be open to an emotional connection but set limits on sexual behavior outsid of their primary relationship. Whenever possible, link your partner’s profile to your profile, or share pictures of you together. Or, if you are searching together, be sure to say so upfront to avoid seeming dishonest.
Step 4: Be confident
A confident polyamorous dating profile shows that you know who you are and you aren’t afraid to show it. We live in a wonderful day and age where sexuality and sexual expression are abundant and ours for the taking and exploration. Don’t be afraid to be direct, such as with lines like: “Unicorn searching for a couple to play with” or “Experimenting with poly life, still shy and learning.” A profile that has details and unique hooks says that you don’t have anything to hide, that you know what direction you want to take things, and have a positive and fun outlook on life. A profile that injects humor and some personality shows that you are fun and engaging, which can always help calm new people you want to chat with. Profiles that lack confidence can be a bit of a turnoff, and send people swiping in the other direction. Don’t use sentences that start with, “I haven’t had much success dating so I thought I would try this…” or “I’m not very good at talking about myself…” or “I’m kind of a shy person so if there’s anything you want to know just ask…”You should have fun writing your profile and make it reflect your true self along with your sexual and relationship interests and intimate and erotic preferences.he more honest you are, the more quickly you will attract the attention of the partners you really want. Another way to get some help is to bring your partner into it, since no one knows you better than your primary partner. Write your profile and then let them read and edit it. We’re not always aware or able to express our best qualities.
So, go ahead and start getting busy on that perfect profile so you can start getting busy in all the other ways you’re hoping to! Just remember that honesty and clarity go a long way and lead to a lot more depth and fun, no matter what type of relationship you’re looking for. It’s tempting to stretch the truth in a favorable way—a photo or age entry that is a few years younger, a slightly higher salary, or changing your info to match a third you are trying to entice. Not a good technique. Poly relationships work with direct and honest communication, so don’t blow it before you ever even meet.