The suggestion that couples schedule sex is both common, and controversial. The fact is that with how busy many of our lives are, if something doesn’t get on the calendar, it doesn’t happen. And yet many people feel that scheduling sex takes some of the magic out of the equation.
Let’s take this one piece at a time.
For starters, it’s worth noting that we treat sex differently from anything else in our lives. It’s like the same rules and conventions don’t apply.
Think of all the things we regularly schedule — vacations, visits with friends, parties, weddings, and so much more. And I’ve never heard anyone say that those events are less fun because they were planned in advance. In fact, for many of those things, the planning is a big part of the fun.
Have you ever spent a whole year planning a vacation? Picking up a travel guide, researching destinations, thinking about what local foods you want to try, and maybe shopping for a few new outfits? I sure have.
Well, all of that can translate to sex.
Rather than a travel guide, you can pick up a book on some kind of sexual adventure or fantasy you’re hoping to try. Instead of researching destinations, you can learn about new touch or communication techniques. And as for shopping for outfits — well, you can still shop for outfits. They might just look a little different from your vacation choices.
Why should sex have to be spontaneous when nothing else in our lives is?
In fact, the idea of spontaneity is a myth.
Think back to your dating days — whether that’s something you’re currently doing or whether it’s been years (decades?)
When you make a date with someone, it goes on the calendar. Maybe on Monday you make a plan for Friday night. Then you’ve got all week to anticipate your date. You’re probably planning what you’ll do together. If you’re like me, you’re probably cleaning house in anticipation of having someone over. You’re planning outfits, styling your hair just so, and removing distractions. Maybe even silencing your phone?
Then when the date rolls around, and you’re home together, and you fall into bed, it can feel “spontaneous.” Especially if this is a memory you’re looking back on from years ago. It can feel like everything used to be so easy. But that’s because we forget all the prep work we put into planning and preparing for the date.
Once settled into a relationship, especially if you live with your partner, it gets easier to stop making plans. You know you’ll see them, so why go to the extra fuss?
Without scheduling, quality time might not happen.
Having a date night is something different from just being in the house at the same time because you both live there. And the anticipation of a date is an important element — it gives you a chance to start setting the mood. And I don’t just mean putting away the laundry and lighting candles, but setting the mood between the two of you, too. Spending time flirting with each other, and building intimacy and connection with casual touch, long before anything sexual is on the menu.
When we get busy, we forget to make dates feel special. For them to be time out of our regular schedules. For them to be special enough to silence other distractions. The spark doesn’t just fade… we just stop feeding it the way we used to.
Luckily, these things are under our control.
While it might take some getting used to, try meeting up once a week to align schedules and pick one or two times you can set aside as “dates.” It’s important to also decide what a date means. Is it undivided attention? Do you want to leave the house to do something, or does take-out and a movie make you happy? There are no rules here other than what works for you.
It’s helpful if the goal is something very achievable, like spending quality time together and feeding your connection. It’s fine to set an intention to have sex, but it’s important to make sure that’s also a little flexible. Because here’s where date nights can become stressful or feel like a chore.
If when your date rolls around you’ve had a hard week and simply aren’t up for sex, the last thing you want is to feel obligated. Feeling pressure to have sex never makes anything better.
The idea is to set time aside so that you can build anticipation, make plans, and even flirt leading up to date night. But you also want to make sure when the time comes you’re still checking in and seeing what everyone is up for.
That’s how you can keep these special times fun, and not let them become a chore. You have guaranteed time together, and what that time entails remains flexible enough to accommodate what you’re in the mood for when the time rolls around.
Reprinted with permission from Splash.