Today we bring you an interview with Lola Phoenix, host of the podcast Non-Monogamy Help and author of the new book The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy, a guide to non-monogamy, polyamory and open relationships. The book covers “the emotional aspects of non-monogamous relationships, including dealing with jealously and judgement, managing anxiety and maintaining independence, as well as practical elements such as scheduling your time, negotiating boundaries and managing your expectations, all accompanied with activities for further exploration.” We asked Lola Phoenix about their personal experiences with non-monogamy, the connection between anxiety and non-monogamy, how those who are curious about open relationships can navigate them and accessing polyamorous communities.
When did you first learn about non-monogamy and why were you drawn to it?
I learned about non-monogamy through sex positive communities. One of the ways that I’ve counteracted anxiety and fear in my life is by trying to learn as much as possible about a given subject, so sexual health became one of my special interests when I was around 18 or 19. I had spent most of my teen years being sex-phobic as a response to abuse I went through. Learning more about sex and sexual health was a huge help and non-monogamy was part of that. Initially, I wanted to have a lot of children and I felt like having more parental support for those children would be good. I didn’t really desire to date multiple people at once or necessarily have a high sex drive. I really just wanted a large family.
How long have you been involved with non-monogamy and what was your biggest learning curve?
Technically since about 2010, so over 12 years. I don’t like to think of myself or anyone else as an expert in any relationship style, so I wouldn’t call myself that. I think like most people, coming from a monogamous-centric society, it is difficult to let go of some of the ideas that get passed onto you about love — but I believe a lot of those ideas are really not great for anyone, monogamous or not.
What are the most common types of questions you get asked about non-monogamy and why do you think they are so common?
A lot of questions boil down to people needing to basically have permission to feel their feelings. I think that a lot of people make the assumption that if they have not so great feelings when transitioning into non-monogamy that this means they can’t do it or that they’re a bad person. I think when people get introduced to non-monogamy in some community contexts, they have very rose tinted glasses because a lot of the content put out there about polyamory borders or crosses the border into toxic positivity. Some people only share that they’ve had problems when they’re past them and the sort of unspoken suggestion is that once they rid themselves of the trappings of the puritanical monogamous society, they are better people for it. And it’s just not this simple for most people nor is it I believe very accurate. So people end up being at odds with their feelings and expecting a Vulcan-like detachment from everything. By the time they get to me, even just hearing that it’s okay to not feel great about something and it doesn’t mean they can’t do it and that it’s actually very normal, logical and isn’t some sort of irrational response is helpful for them.
What led you to write your new book, The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy? Who is your target audience?
There were a lot of suggestions I was repeating a lot in my column and podcast and I wanted to not just have another book about non-monogamy that was focused around all of the happy benefits of non-monogamy. I wanted a book with real exercises that actually spoke to people who had experienced struggles with their mental health without stigmatising them and giving them actual solutions other than “remember how great you are” to their real fears and worries. The Guide isn’t just for people who struggle with anxiety. Some of the basic advice is about how to start out, what sorts of things you may want to establish to help you build a solid foundation to proceed on just before you step into non-monogamy, even if you aren’t anxious yet.
How does anxiety play a role in people’s explorations of non-monogamy?
I truly believe that being non-monogamous in a monogamous-centric society can cause your brain some anxiety because it’s going against some of the cultural scripts that you’ve been raised your entire life with. While Sex at Dawn has some points that I find useful, there’s a lot more to be said in understanding our nervous systems and how we’re wired for connection. It makes total sense that we would experience a lot of anxiety when trying non-monogamy, even if it’s something that we want to try. Most people are going to be anxious in some ways. Accepting this as a normal part of trying non-monogamy would make things a lot better for people.
You start off by explaining the need for an anchor, a personal reason, for exploring non-monogamy. Can you talk about why that’s so important?
It’s hard to say without a proper survey of the community, but it’s safe to say that most people don’t know non-monogamy is an option growing up. Many people may not discover non-monogamy until they are already in a monogamous relationship. A lot of people might be trying non-monogamy to keep a relationship that was previously monogamous. Having a solid personal reason for being interested in non-monogamy is really helpful when it comes to actually grounding yourself and it can be the source of understanding what type of non-monogamy you’re interested in. Two people can be non-monogamous and still not want the same types of non-monogamy in their lives. Starting with the reason you’re interested in it can help you get to some of the steps that help you figure out what it is about non-monogamy that you want.
How does having experienced trauma, whether as a child and/or adult, affect people’s approach to non-monogamy?
Having experienced trauma can affect your approach to a lot of things. Of course it’s different for every person and what they’ve gone through, but in my own personal experience I believe that has been what has made some of the advice that I read prior to trying non-monogamy more difficult to apply to myself. It sounds good on paper but my nervous system was not really set up to follow it. A lot of advice can be easier said than done, but like a lot of people who have been through trauma, I just assumed I was broken rather than that I could have got advice that was a bit more trauma informed.
You write in the book about the importance of polyamorous communities. Can you talk about the role these communities play for people?
My main takeaway is that communities can be a hit or miss. I have heard of good, supportive communities and I have experienced ones that weren’t so supportive and helpful. Sometimes if it seems like no one in the community is really struggling with polyamory, you can feel like you’re the wet blanket. I remember specifically being told that I’d have to leave a play party early if I brought too many people down as a response to asking if there was going to be some space for me to get away from larger crowds if I felt overwhelmed. I used to believe that all communities were like this, but I trust that lots of people have great experiences in their communities and maybe my experience was the fluke. The most important thing to remember is to not be afraid of being the only one who is struggling because that probably isn’t the case.
How can people form community around non-monogamy, especially if they are just starting out? Does that community need to be in-person or can it be online?
It depends on the person and their needs. I would say it mirrors people’s needs for a queer community. For some people, moving to a big city and going to bars and getting involved in that part of the queer community is an important right of passage. For other people, an online community is easier to participate in. I would say regardless of what works for you as far as a community, if there are people who make you feel afraid to ask questions or that you’ll be cast out if you don’t do everything right, that’s not worth staying in no matter what the community is about or circled around.
What advice do you have for people currently in a monogamous relationship thinking about trying non-monogamy for the first time? Are there common mistakes or issues they should be on the lookout for?
Understanding what their ideal is will help them ask their partner for something specific. They may have to accept that if trying non-monogamy is something they cannot give up forever, they may have to end their current relationship. I think this is a general issue a lot of people have because most of us don’t want to break up with people. A break up, even if it doesn’t represent failure, is a hard thing to go through. Non-monogamy can seem like a way to keep your current partner and also do other things you’re interested in but learning when to end a relationship is actually really important. Non-monogamy shouldn’t be a way for one to avoid breaking up with anyone nor should it be about collecting multiple semi-fulfilling relationships until you reach a level of permissible stasis. Learning when to say when is important.
If one partner in a monogamous relationship is more interested in non-monogamy than the other, are there ways that they can come to a common agreement around how they will approach that interest?
Maybe. It depends greatly on a lot of things. I feel like even if you want to be monogamous to a non-monogamous person, you still need an anchor. I frequently say that on a basic level, non-monogamy means that you will have a partner or partners who do not spend a majority of their time with you and there are some monogamous relationships like this. Some people are in monogamous relationships where their partner has a time intensive career so they don’t see their partner as much as they would otherwise and for a lot of people that is a deal breaker. Having more alone time can be something you as a monogamous person see value in and that can function as an anchor if you’re with a non-monogamous person. But on a basic level, if your partner wants a non-monogamous relationship, agreeing to non-monogamy with hope of saving your monogamous relationship is like agreeing to a long distance relationship and believing it will be the same as an in-person relationship. And you may be able to cope for awhile, but if it’s ultimately not what you want, then it will not work for you as time goes by.
For those in polyamorous relationships already, you have a relationship check-up sheet in the book. Why are check-ups a good idea, and how often would you suggest partners ask themselves these questions?
I think all people in relationships should do check ups with each other, but within the specific type of monogamy our society endorses, we’re taught that relationships should be easy if you’re really in love among other really awful things. A lot of people would feel awkward to have a relationship check up and a lot of people don’t do that until they are in couple’s therapy or they have an active issue. But I think it’s good to check in and the frequency depends on what else is going on in your life. It’s sort of similar to having a family meeting. If you have discussions regularly, then it makes those discussions normal and raising issues normal and less anxiety inducing.
Anything else to add?
My approach to my book and my approach to my advice in general is that you should take what resonates with you and leave the rest. I can’t speak to all experiences of course and I won’t claim to. I am not a guru and I have my struggles just like everyone else. If you see anyone putting me on a pedestal or trying to knock me off of one, I definitely haven’t asked to be there.
The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy: Your Guide to Open Relationships, Polyamory and Letting Go is available from Amazon and Bookshop.