I saw a new doctor for the first time in November 2021 and he asked about my depression, which at that time was poorly managed. He asked the typical questions that I have come to expect, and then he asked, “What about guilt? Are you feeling guilty or ashamed for no reason?” and I almost wept with joy because inexplicable, free-floating guilt and shame are huge depression symptoms for me and no one, in my nearly two decades of seeking help for depression, had ever taken them seriously. Not only had no other medical professionals ever brought them up as symptoms, but several had actually dismissed me when I voiced concern about constantly feeling horrifically guilty and ridiculously ashamed.
Some things that can come with depression aren’t really surprising. The not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, the frequent crying, the anger—most of these are pretty standard symptoms of depression that people expect to be part of the package. Then there are the symptoms that people don’t really seem to know about, that people who have never experienced depression may not expect, including the excessive guilt and shame that can be a big part of the depression package. These symptoms can be kind of vague and free-floating but when someone with depression feels bad about something—ruining your plans, not being fun to be around, crying yet again—the guilt and shame can both kick in stronger than ever because now they have something to attach to, something that the depressed person can look at and say, “See, I did that and am such a jerk.” This is why, when your loved one cancels plans, feels overwhelmed, or lets you down, you need to let them know that wherever they’re at is OK and you still love and support them. And you need to repeat it. A lot.
This won’t always be easy, but it’s so important. Especially when it’s hard—when you are frustrated and annoyed and desperately want things to be different. Because odds are, your loved one knows that your patience is wearing thin, that they have let you down, that you wanted them to make a different choice, that you want them to be different. There’s a really good chance that they know all of these things and that they feel awful about all of it. How you react in this moment is crucial. It may feel like no big deal to snap at them or sigh and say something like, “I guess it’s OK” in that really put- out tone of voice we all know so well, but this stuff has the power to affect them profoundly. So, while you may feel like you need to vent some of your frustration, or let them know how disappointed you are, or let some anger out, they need you to let them know that where they are is OK and that you love them.
“With my husband, my depression brought us closer. Once he knew I was dealing with depression, he did everything he could to be supportive and help me open up to him about what I’m feeling and how I’m coping.”—Tara, 36, F
I know it’s not easy. It requires not only that you be incredibly kind and understanding, but also that you communicate in a way that may be unfamiliar. The best first step is to simply remember that depression symptoms are not a choice. Would you get mad if your friend had to cancel plans because they got into a car accident? I’m guessing not. I’m not saying you can’t express any disappointment, but I’m asking that you do it from a place of love and support instead of anger and frustration. Let them know that you would prefer to have them with you because you like them, but you understand that they cannot do that and you respect their completely valid feelings.
Now, this doesn’t mean you should disregard your own feelings. It just means that you need to stop and think, and remember that you are really angry or upset with the depression and the situation, not your loved one. Stop yourself before you emotionally bludgeon someone who, due to depression, is most likely in no shape to handle it.
One of the parts of my first book that I’ve seen shared all over the internet really drives home this point:
Remember they are not causing the situation—depression is. They are not making you angry—depression is. They are not choosing their current state—depression is.
One more time, just in case anyone missed it: They are not causing the situation—depression is. They are not making you angry—depression is. They are not choosing their current state—depression is. So, get angry, get frustrated, get all the things, just make sure you are getting them about the condition and not the person you care about, and make sure they know that too.
With all of this in mind, when the person you care about who is coping with depression texts that they don’t want to go to that concert after all, they need you to text back, “I’ll miss you but I totally get it. Do you need me to bring you anything before I go?” Why? Because it needs to be OK for them to be wherever they are. When they apologize for crying or yelling or whatever, they need to hear, “Hey, we all have feelings and you get to be wherever you are.” Why isn’t a simple “It’s OK” sufficient? Because we’ve all said that when we didn’t mean it, and answers that may feel like no big deal to you have the potential to turn into huge, guilt-inducing balls of shame for them. Let them know it’s OK to be wherever they are.
Originally published in In It Together: Navigating Depression with Partners, Friends, and Family, © 2023 by JoEllen Notte. Republished with permission from Thornapple Press.
In It Together is available from Amazon and Bookshop.