I had been on r/deadbedrooms on Reddit for two years. Over 321,271 thousand members all swirling the drain of a sexless relationship.
Finally, I wasn’t alone with my shame.
I wasn’t desirable enough. I wasn’t skinny, young, fit—fill in your adjective of choice enough. Eventually, I got tired of trying to figure out why my husband didn’t want me.
When did I know I was ready?
When someone linked the r/adultery sub in blue text. I clicked and went down the rabbit hole.
“I could just cheat…” I muttered to myself. “Why didn’t I think of that before?”
Instead, I faked everything at home. The “conversations” which weren’t really conversations, just him reminding me what was on “our” schedule. I tried to keep my face neutral. I tried to let go of the resentments. The “trying” was the constant soundtrack of our marriage. Always disconnected from myself and from him. But the internet was my refuge. I’d spend hours on Reddit every night reading posts and comments.
It was nerve-wracking to write my first post. Would I get comments? Upvotes? I was desperate for approval.
“On paper, I have a good life. But, my heart has just never been in it. Sad, unfulfilling marriage. Material comforts. Security and stability but zero passion. Story of my life,” I wrote.
I got zero upvotes, of course.
I would have liked some recognition of my well-staged act. Still, it wasn’t enough to garner any sympathy from this jaded group of heathens.
MysteriousEggplant commented, “My marriage was always a sham void of emotions. I was able to pull through the day-to-day because I had no desire for more. I was comfortable in my numb world. I wasn’t looking for an affair when long-distance affair partner came into my life, but it happened. He reminded me I can feel, I do have emotions, a numb life is not what I’m destined to lead.”
A numb life? Yes. A sham? Yes.
A real lover to show me the way? Yes, please.
My husband wasn’t motivated to satisfy me. His lack of interest in sex kept him from becoming a better lover. What did he think about his own sexuality?
“I know I need to do better,” he said once.
Really? You think? That would be a miracle.
I didn’t respond. What would I say?
Yes, you should because I’m not putting up with zero sex any longer. So, I’m going to find someone who can satisfy me.
He didn’t even pretend to try anymore. The silence was a better indicator of our failed marriage more than anything else.
But Reddit offered a way out. Men looking for affair partners. Desire and lust within reach. I could have exactly what I wanted and more.
“How about a 35-year-old who’s eager to please?”
“Want a sexy salt-n-pepper guy who will come to you?”
“You sound delightful. Are you free to meet?”
“If you are interested, please message me.”
Oh, the choices!
No more begging in my marriage is required.
I had the luxury to pick and choose the perfect affair partner for me. Did I want a hot bald guy? A sexy silver fox? A young, eager one? An eyeglass-wearing intellectual? An ex-football player? It was raining men. All hungry for no strings attached sex.
Sign me up!
A man was a mere click away — I could beckon him with sexy photos, and voila! It was all too easy.
Let’s dust off this vagina. It’s ready for showtime, kitty.
Reddit gave me back my sex life — r/adultery was the beginning.