Excerpted from Where Do You Spend Your Heartbeats? Design the Life You Desire One Heartbeat at a Time.
You’ve heard about kids going to their friend’s or grandparent’s house and behaving like angels, only to return home and transform into miniature monsters the moment they step through the front door. If you’re a parent, you’ve probably had this happen to you. How do even little kids know instinctively how to adjust their behavior accordingly?
We teach people how to treat us. This is not news, the question is do we really take note of the instructions we set for others to follow? If we have examined this aspect of our lives only to discover that we have been sending the wrong signals, do we ever do anything to correct them?
As difficult as it is to accept, the truth is that for every relationship we have, be it with family, friends, coworkers, neighbors and especially our significant others and love interests – we set the rules of engagement. We are at the controls. To make this universal truth stick, let’s phrase it another way: People will treat us the way we ask them to.
Although challenging to do, putting the mirror up and asking yourself these questions can get you on the path to healthier relationships with others and more importantly a healthier relationship with yourself.
- Without stopping to analyze it, how would you describe your boundary-setting skills as it stands at the moment 1 (low) to 10 (excellent).
- Think about those individuals with whom you are close (e.g. partner, relative, colleagues), How do you feel about yourself when you are with them? How do you feel after you’ve left their company? Do you feel heard, respected, appreciated, uplifted and energized? Or do you feel dismissed, depleted, tired, confused or small?
If most of your emotions fall into the first group, congratulations for establishing healthy boundaries. But if you find that the second group best describes your current feelings, don’t despair. You have the power to turn things around.
Listed below are a few guiding points to learn about your current instruction manual and how to strengthen your approach. Small steps make a difference and you hold the pen to the next chapter of your life:
Take Inventory
- Words matter. Pay attention to how you speak around this person. Do you find yourself apologizing when you need to set limits? Do you use words such as “I’m sorry but…” when you want to just say “no?” as “no” can absolutely be a complete sentence when setting boundaries.
- Do you use phrases such as “I suppose or I guess or I think I might.” It’s ok to own your decision and be clear on your requests.
- Do you find yourself walking on eggshells and not being your true authentic beautiful self when you are around this person? This one may be hard to do but try this exercise. Be your full authentic self and see what the outcome is. If it is not the one you deserve, it may be time to rethink the relationship
There is only one YOU. And YOU are special, unique and a beautiful light in this world. You deserve to hand out an instruction manual that reflects this. It is never too late to turn the page and write the story you desire. You hold the pen and you are the author of your next chapter.
Where Do You Spend Your Heartbeats? Design the Life You Desire One Heartbeat at a Time is available from Amazon and Bookshop.