Ahead of the February 11 Residence 11 Desire Summit on Sex and Relationships (get tickets here!), we’re conducting a series of livestream interviews with Summit speakers. You can watch them live or after the fact on our YouTube channel, Facebook page or Twitter account, and ask questions for our interviewees.
Watch our interview between Editor-in-Chief Rachel Kramer Bussel and Lasara Firefox Allen (they/them/Mx),a writer, Witch, nonprofit executive director, and coach. Lasara is a social work practitioner who practices from an intersectional and anti-oppression-focused feminist framework. Lasara is also the author of books including Jailbreaking the Goddess, and you can follow Lasara on TikTok.
In the interview, they discussed __
On embracing being gender nonbinary:
Through interacting with feminism and different arenas of gender identity and the queer community growing up, there was a lot of flexibility, but we didn’t have the language that we have now around gender. If I had had the terminology for nonbinary when I was younger, I certainly would have come to that identity sooner. As it was, I have identified as genderqueer for a very long time. Being genderqueer for me has meant that I did not abide within that binary structure of gender expression or gender identity or how I experienced gender.
As far as my gender evolution goes, it’s constant and ongoing. To me, gender is relational. It’s not static, it’s fluid, and it continues being a process for me to arrive continually at my gender identity. I think that if we had more freedom in our culture, or just in culture generally around the world, that folks would have a more fluid relationship with gender.
I think gender is not a static thing and it is so specific to culture. So as culture shifts, gender expression shifts. For me, just being able to be present in the process of showing up to my gender expression and experience as it occurs is a big part of what it means to be genderqueer for me and to be gender nonbinary.
On learning about and respecting other people’s gender and pronouns:
The they/them pronoun is really challenging for a lot of folks; folks resistance to using a multiple pronoun for one person. There are so many ways to overcome that basic block, and one of the ways that I recommend is just by practicing. So if someone’s pronoun is they/them, and a person ends up misgendering that person, apologize and correct yourself. It’s that simple.
That’s the basic element of support that we can offer to each other is. I’ve seen a lot of memes recently that say things like, if my given name is Steven, and I go by Steve, no one bats an eye, but if I change my name from Steven to Stephanie, people are like, I can’t do that.
What is the block? Obviously, it’s not just a memory thing. However, there is a component of memory that will help with this process. One of the things that I really recommend to folks is when we are misgendering folks, it’s generally always because we aren’t thinking of the person as the gender that they are experiencing life as. When I misgender someone, because I still do it, we’re all fallible, right? So if I misgender someone, I will correct myself in my head.
I will give myself three examples, I will say, you know, they went to the store today, they are a beautiful person, they are one of my good friends. That helps me to contextualize within my consciousness that person’s pronoun.
Watch the whole interview above and be sure to subscribe to our channels to catch all our interviews!
About the Desire Summit: The Residence 11 Desire Summit, sponsored by sex toy companies FUN FACTORY and Blush, intimate audio platform BLOOM, romance novel publisher Avon Books, and yoga teacher training company Ganja Yoga, will feature extensive educational sessions with over 20 diverse authors and subject matter experts across psychology, physical intimacy, technology innovation, sexual health, music and narrative storytelling. Speakers include writer Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah, author of The Sex Lives of African Women, polyamory expert Kevin Patterson, author of Love’s Not Color Blind, sex educator and dating expert Erin Tillman, USA Today and Wall Street Journal bestselling romance author and TikTok favorite Sierra Simone (Priest, American Queen), Mia Hopkins (author of Tanked, one of The New York Times’ best 2022 romances, romance novelist Suzanne Park (The Do Over, The Christmas Clash), and Taylor Hahn, author of swinging novel The Lifestyle, among others. Keynote speakers will be intimacy coach Zoë Kors, author of Radical Intimacy: Cultivate the Deeply Connected Relationships You Desire and Deserve, speaking on 6 Questions That Will Get You Instantly Connected to Anyone, and sex educator Dirty Lola, who appeared as a sexpert on Netflix’s The Principles of Pleasure, speaking on The State of Modern Dating. Get tickets here for the Desire Summit.