Sebastian starts his day as usual. He’s always been an early riser, getting up at 6:00 a.m. to head to the gym for a workout. Then he goes home to shower and change for the office. With an eighty-hour workweek, stamina and focus are key, and his early-morning exercise routine sets him up for productivity. But this isn’t an ordinary day. A shiver of anticipation runs up Sebastian’s spine. He pulls out a suit from his closet. He wants to wear something that will carry him into his evening without getting so dressed up it piques his colleagues’ interest. It will be easier if he can slip out without having to field any questions from them about his six o’clock “meeting.”
Sebastian hails a cab. He scrolls through emails on his cell phone during the fifteen-minute commute from his West Village apartment to his office in Midtown Manhattan. The calm quiet of the morning shatters as he strides through the glass doors, like he owns the place, into the buzzing hive of the firm. Sebastian is a natural leader with an Ivy League education. His natural British charm, coupled with his strong and assertive personality, have enabled him to climb the ladder faster than most. He has always enjoyed working in finance. Rising through the ranks to lead a small team has shifted his workload from crunching numbers to managing people.
His morning passes quickly, with a constant stream of “I can’t do this” and “Can you help me with this?” Before he knows it, his lunch meeting at a restaurant near the office is ending. His heart leaps as he realizes his evening rendezvous is drawing closer. On his way back to work, he slips into a lingerie store. Sebastian purchases something special for the occasion, as he’s been instructed. He ditches the conspicuous pink-and-silver shopping bag in a trash can on the street, slipping the sexy red lace number into his pocket.
Back at the office, another flurry of meetings packs his afternoon. Sebastian is always cool and collected when he’s busy. But in a quiet moment between obligations, he can’t help but feel an underlying sense of anticipation. Standing in the middle of the bullpen, under fluorescent lights and amid a cacophony of phones ringing and printers humming, he considers how surreal it is that the room he will enter in just a few short hours is so close by.
He goes to the men’s room and slips on the sexy panties. It seems impossible that these two worlds can reside in the same universe, much less the same neighborhood. The sensation of the lace against his skin brings home the reality of their coexistence. As he walks back through the bullpen to his desk, he can’t help but feel that anyone paying attention can see a bit of red lace peeking out above his waistband. His belt and tucked-in button-down shirt make this a remote possibility. Still, the thought excites him even more—the dichotomy between his two worlds is part of the thrill.
Sebastian leaves the office around half past five o’clock. His assistant is busy on the phone. As he walks by, he taps her desk, and she looks up. He nods and says, “Enjoy your evening. I’m headed out.”
It’s only when he’s on the street that his adrenaline spikes. He walks the three blocks in record time and lingers on the corner. He’s waiting for the exact agreed-upon time—he’s never to be late or early. He takes the elevator up and knocks on her door. This is his absolute favorite part: The door opens, and he leaves all aspects of his refined British sensibility behind, dutifully positioning himself on his hands and knees. A collar is placed around his neck, and with that the dynamic is established. He’s ordered to strip down to the lacy red panties he’s been wearing underneath his suit. He has no idea what will happen next, but one thing is certain—Sebastian is not in charge anymore.
Andrew is a ranking military veteran who has served for thirty-two years and has been on the front line in five wars. He is divorced with two kids. When he is not providing private security, he likes to surrender to a Dominatrix, undergo hypnosis, submit to a flogging, and be placed in restrictive bondage while having his nipples teased.
Nicholas works in natural energy, employing several hundred people. In his free time, he enjoys being trained as a cuckold, locked into a chastity device, and subjected to small-penis humiliation.
Zev is in the real estate industry. He is an Orthodox Jewish man who prays three times a day, keeps kosher, and observes the Sabbath. Most evenings, he enjoys family dinners with his wife and three kids. But every two weeks, he wants to be ordered to wear women’s lingerie, worship his Mistress, and be used as a spittoon.
Steven manages a team of financial analysts on Wall Street. He has been married twice and has a wide circle of friends. His alternate lifestyle has gone undetected since college when he began visiting fetish clubs, attending kinky parties, and even performing onstage at fetish events. His desire is to be of service to a demanding woman who enforces her control through slave training, physical discipline, emotional torment, and gender confusion.
Edward is married with two kids, and his hobbies include running marathons and playing classical piano. He owns several companies and employs nearly one hundred fifty people. But when he needs to go mentally void, he craves being hypnotized, treated like a puppy, given a golden shower, and used as a footrest with my feet on his face.
Mike is a U.S. Army policeman. He is divorced and describes himself as “a tough son of a bitch.” He loves to obey a woman who takes charge, particularly one wearing a strap-on who commands him to his knees and orders him to suck her big black rubber phallus.
These seven men are broadly representative of the thousands who regularly play with Dominatrices. We will be learning more about them, as well as many other men who crave domination, in later chapters. Their kink might be shocking to some, but they are far from unusual. From all ages and walks of life, and across all socioeconomic, religious, cultural, and societal spectra, these men pursue their submissive desires with women who are skilled in helping them realize their fantasies and bringing them to life. They choose to be tied up, seduced, aroused, humiliated, disciplined, teased, denied, and pushed to their limits. Many have their own little secret: They’re accomplished, respectable, and highly successful men who are wielding their power in the boardroom, office, or courts of law one moment and kneeling before their Mistress the next.
How do I know all these secrets? I am Mistress Alicia….
SPANKING. HUMILIATION. GOLDEN SHOWERS. PREDICAMENT bondage. Role play. And that’s just for starters! There are so many ways for men who crave female domination to submit. But why are these fantasies so common? And more specifically, why do some men turn to Dommes to fulfill them? Many men say that a domination scene is like a timeout from their regular day-to-day grind. It’s an alluring, mind-bending experience that serves as an outlet to release everyday pressures. More than just a fantasy come to life, it can also satisfy their most fundamental human needs.
According to author and motivational speaker Tony Robbins, we all have six basic needs:
1. Certainty: assurance we can avoid pain and gain pleasure
2. Uncertainty/variety: the need for the unknown, for change, for new stimuli
3. Significance: feeling unique, import-ant, special, or needed
4. Connection/love: a strong feeling of close-ness or union with someone or something
5. Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability, or understanding
6. Contribution: a sense of service and focus on helping, giving to, and supporting others
Submission can satisfy one or several of these needs. Most Domination/submission (D/s) scenes involve elements of certainty and uncertainty as we will explore later in this chapter; however, other human needs, while perhaps less apparent at the surface level, can be served as well. For example, there can be a powerful connection between people exploring BDSM together. My submissive Steven adds perspective on this profound interaction:
“Female domination, for me, is about connection. At first, this seems paradoxical because the women I am most attracted to appear distant—cold, demanding, strict, sadistic, and domineering. Yet I have always thought of BDSM as the sharing of energies. When I feel dominant power, I am inspired to respond with submissive energy—and that, in turn, invokes even more dominance from the woman. This energy matters to me, and feeling that back-and-forth flow satisfies me on a deep level. The most meaningful moments during play for me are not due to activities or clothes or instruments. It’s knowing that I have pleased—sincerely, obviously pleased—my Dominant. When I am naked, kneeling, hands cuffed, mouth gagged, in pain and humiliated—but my Mistress looks me deeply in the eyes, satisfied, and asks me to suffer even more—that moment is one of profound intimacy and connection.”
This need to contribute and to feel significant through serving and pleasing his Mistress can also be seen in another submissive’s words:
“For me it is important that my servitude is unique. I try to be as accommodating and unlimited in the levels of servitude as possible. My devotion is something I want to be viewed as unparalleled. I feel that nobody is able to do what I can do, nobody is able to please my Mistress to the extent I can. I am almost competitive in that respect. I always only want to give and be sure my servitude brings Her pleasure in some way. When I serve, I actually think about just giving to my Mistress. I am so enamored by Her and making sure she is happy and enriched.”
One of my submissives explains how he has been able to find personal growth from his D/s relationship. As he describes it, there is also a sense of certainty since the roles are fixed and the rules are established:
“I have been serving my Mistress for a great many years and, as such, my D/s relationship has benefited me in so many different ways and contributed significantly to my happiness and outlook on life. I have learned, above all, how to be focused, disciplined, humble, and always respectful—all great life lessons. I have learned the importance of structure and the consequences of disobedience. This has helped me grow and improve as a person as I have, simultaneously, grown and improved in my service to my Mistress. It has made me feel wanted and needed.”
This is a wonderful reminder that the power of BDSM often extends far beyond the dungeon. For many, it can be used as a tool for self-development and personal growth.
Reprinted with permission from Yes, Mistress: Why Men Crave Female Domination by Alicia Zadig (Savio Republic). Available from Amazon or Bookshop.
