Reprinted with permission from Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It: The Truth About Mismatched Libido and Discovering Desire by Cyndi Darnell (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2022).
Peak Erotic Experiences
Navigating the space between lust and disgust takes inquiry, and one tool that can lead us to understand more about how those places operate within us is our own erotic history and imaginings. Eroticism exists in the mind, the imagination, in lived experience, and in the visceral “memories” of the physical body. The practice of diving deep into these memorable erotic experiences allows us to focus on the details that most stand out to us in our recollections—physically, emotionally, energetically, and mentally. This intoxicating blend of information is the essence of what Jack Morin, PhD, defined as the “peak erotic experience.” Morin’s unique “Sexual Excitement Survey” (not to be confused the Dual Control Model’s sexual excitement scale [SES]), conducted in the 1980s and 1990s, invited hundreds of men and women (straight, lesbian / gay, and bisexual) to describe, in detail, their hottest and most memorable erotic experiences. Morin posited that such memories and visceral reflections can tell us a lot about what drives our emotional desires and longings, and by making such information accessible in conscious and attentive ways, we can actually allow our minds to lead us to the path of greatest possible erotic growth and exploration.
Discover Your Peak Erotic Experiences
The unique blend of who we are, what we believe, how we feel, and our sexual experiences to date, combined with our capacity to imagine, form the foundation of what Morin calls the “Core Erotic Theme” (CET). The CET allows us to identify the stories—the narratives, the fantasies, or the experiences—that most ignite our erotic imagination. One way that he suggests we do this is to reflect on some of our most memorable fantasies or intimate encounters. Sex may or may not be involved in these because peak eroticism isn’t necessarily connected to sex in the conventional ways we imagine it—that is, involving genitals, penetration, and so forth.
Start by taking in three deep, full breaths. Focus on your exhale to give your body permission to relax. Allow yourself to float mentally/imaginatively through time, recalling some of your favorite erotic experiences from real life or from your private fantasies. Have a notebook or device ready to write, draw, or in some way record the information from the following activity. Choose a fantasy that has some resonance for you.
What fantasy is most likely to get you aroused? Allow yourself to really move toward it with everything in your being—mental, physical, and emotional.
Reflect on the fantasy and consider what stands out about it the most. The emotions, the imagination, the creative freedom to go places and really feel. Record the answers to the following prompts as a guide for working with your fantasies.
1. What makes / made the fantasy so exciting?
2. What conditions enabled it to get played out?
3. Who does it involve? (It’s not necessarily about them, remember?)
4. What is it about the other people involved that arouses/excites/engages you?
5. What are they doing?
6. What attributes do they embody that engage you?
7. What attributes do you embody that engage you? (Many people imagine their body/personality to be different to how it is in real life.)
8. What is the most intense point of the fantasy?
9. What do you think makes this so exciting for you?
Perhaps your fantasy involved entirely visual elements, power play elements, taboo elements, or with no clothing removed at all? Perhaps it’s more romantically oriented with a very strong emotional connection between you and the other(s) involved. Allow yourself to go with whatever comes up. Something; anything at all, even if it doesn’t make sense. Even if you don’t have fantasies in the traditional sense; maybe fragmented erotic thoughts—grab onto them too. Clothing, a look, a feeling of being alive, desired, shunned, devious, naughty, wanted, important, ashamed, submissive, powerful, in control, overpowered . . . the list is endless. There is some juicy and useful information in there that made part of you come alive, even if it stands at cross purposes of what we think we’re supposed to feel or experience when it comes to our sexuality.
This is a gateway to your eroticism and your Core Erotic Theme.
If you can, repeat the exercise for another fantasy. Even several more.
Look out for patterns or similarities that occur across fantasies or experiences. Morin notes fantasies have several themes:
• Firsts and surprises. (Not the first of the first but, rather, the first orgasm, first squirt, first with a new situation)
• Idyllic situations or partners. (E.g., the beach, a bathroom at a party, rose petals, a dirty laneway, a perfectly equipped dungeon, a lush forest, under the sea, a tidy bedroom, having a perfect body, having larger / smaller body parts than in real life, being another gender, etc.)
• Extensions or restrictions of time. (People will describe a loss of time, a feeling of otherworldliness, hours passing. Or the last time; with a lover leaving or dying. A quickie in a closet or public space, immediacy or orgasm and bliss despite the time limitations.)
Consider what it is about these recurring moments that appeals to you?
Being able to identify and hopefully name these sensations or feelings is part of identifying the most powerful themes in your fantasy world.
If nothing obvious stands out to you, reflect on what was arousing or attractive about the situation. Recall the erotic equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement.
Consider any things that got in your way, including yourself and your assessment of the situation. For example:
This is bad.
This is disgusting.
I’m a bad person for thinking this.
I wouldn’t do this in any other circumstances.
It may seem counterintuitive, but feeling anxious, guilty, ashamed, humiliated, and even angry can inflame passionate sensations leading to erotic engagement. The standard couple’s therapy trope of love and intimacy leading to great sex is simply not true for everyone every time, and if you are one of those people, you are not alone, nor are you damaged, weird, or broken. Erotic excitement can come from many sources. The tricky part, however, can be finding people to share these with and who are willing to engage in these with you, should you want to, as a discussion or for enactment.
Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It is available from Amazon and Bookshop.