Jealousy is a powerful force in all our relationships, but this emotion can be particularly damaging when people try ethical non-monogamy for the first time.
If you are in a polyamorous relationship or thinking about exploring one, you should learn as much as you can about jealousy.
There are tons of resources to help you!
What We Need To Learn
On Reddit this week, one reader asked for help coping with her husband’s jealousy as they work on building an ethically non-monogamous relationship.
The reader described the problem to the non-monogamy community: “The primary obstacle he is working on is dealing with/fearing potential jealousy over my being with other men (he’s been fine with me being with other women so far).”
Like this couple, many people want to learn how to cope with jealousy and have healthier communication–no matter what kind of relationship you have.
Simplify Your Love Life
The couple had explored a variety of books, building a respectful and healthy polyamorous relationship. These books will set a foundation for anyone exploring this new terrain. The books included:
Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan: “A controversial, idea-driven book that challenges everything you (think you) know about sex, monogamy, marriage, and family.”
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Janey W. Hardy and Dossie Easton: “For anyone who has ever dreamed of love, sex, and companionship beyond the limits of traditional monogamy, this groundbreaking guide navigates the infinite possibilities that open relationships can offer.”
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux: “Can you love more than one person? Have multiple romantic partners, without jealousy or cheating? Absolutely! Polyamorous people have been paving the way, through trial and painful error.”
Try This At Home
Once you’ve found those books, many Reddit readers recommended the Multiamory podcast–a series created by relationship coaches and mediators. Podcast hosts Emily Matlack, Jase Lindgren, and Dedeker Winston have more than 215 free episodes you can explore.
To keep your podcast listening focused on jealousy, one reader suggested these five episodes…
Episode 83: The Triforce of Communication
“The Triforce of Communication, other than being a nerdy title, are the three primary goals of communication in any given conversation or interaction with a partner. Communication breakdowns often occur when you and your partner have mismatched goals.”
Episode 97: Agile Scrum Your Relationships
“The agile scrum system was originally developed to be applied to software development, but writer Alanna Krause adapted the system to become a new system for communication in her relationship. ”
Episode 102: Emotional Responsibility
“In this episode, we deconstruct exactly what emotional responsibility is, and how it can bring clarity and calm to moments of conflict.”
Episode 110: Deconstructing Jealousy
“in this episode, we are going to be deconstructing jealousy — categorizing specific triggers and their causes. If you have the tools to identify your jealousy triggers, it can open up a lot more happiness and freedom in your relationships.”
Episode 215: The science of Jealousy
“On this episode, we explore the scientific why behind jealousy and some ways to combat that internal struggle.”