Everyone thinks they know everything they need to know about sex. If it were so simple, however, there wouldn’t be so many people in need of sex therapy, marriage and relationship counseling, or so many relationships ending divorce. I believe there is a lack of knowledge about sex, coupled with a lack of education which leads to a lack of communication, a lack of coping skills when it comes to dealing with issues having to do with sex – which in the end is the downfall of many relationships.
We learn much of what we know about relationships from TV or movies. We learn that there is a “happily ever after.” We learn that our partner will fulfill all our needs, sexual, physical, mental, financial, and so on, and we become sad and feel disillusioned when we learn our lives are different than what is being depicted on TV. TV is not the bible of relationships, and movies aren’t the answer for sex.
The top 3 myths about sex are that sex is all about: 1) Arousal, (or lack of arousal) whether it be wetness or lubrication in women or hardness and erections in men, 2) intercourse, the thinking that “sex” equals intercourse and intercourse is the equivalent of sex, and lastly 3) orgasm, if one or both members involved didn’t orgasm then something is wrong or the sex is bad.
The medical industry has spent millions of dollars capitalizing on the idea of erectile dysfunction that men are going out in droves to get Viagra or Cialis to “cure” them of the supposed arousal problem. There is even talk of a drug for women who don’t get lubricated enough.
Here are the truths about sex:
- There is more to sex than getting hard/wet, having intercourse and having an orgasm. Yes. It’s time to get creative and realistic about what is sex. Sex is kissing, hugging, sensual massage. Sex is oral stimulation, manual stimulation, mutual masturbation, and anal stimulation. Sex is talking dirty, reading erotica, watching pornography together. Broaden your concept of sex, lessen your pressure and increase your enjoyment and pleasure.
- Arousal ebbs and flows. Did you know that you could be mentally aroused but not show symptoms of arousal? Just because a women is not wet, or a man is not erect does not indicate lack of arousal. Yes, it is true. Sometimes it takes our body time to catch up with our mind. This is normal and should not be considered a dysfunction or an issue. I hate the terms erectile dysfunction for this reason. This puts a lot of unrealistic pressure on men, when having differences and changes in size, intensity and duration of erections is all part of the natural cycle of human nature. Did you also know that symptoms of arousal vary from day to day, situation to situation, moment to moment? Yes, we expect that our arousal levels and symptoms to always be the same. But we are not robots. So guys and gals, and everyone else, give yourselves and each other a break. When it looks like things are not rising to the occasion so to speak, or falling flat, instead of focusing on what is going wrong, change the scenario so you can focus on the passion, the intimacy, the scent, the breath and enjoy the fact that you are in someone else’s sensual presence. Get out the lube, get out the lotion, and do other fun stuff like mutual masturbation, oral sex, kissing, taking a bath together, reading erotica, etc.
- Lube is your friend. Too many people have this idea that using lube is somehow bad because it means he/she is not aroused enough to have sex. We need to stop taking our natural human bodies’ ways of expressing their arousal, so personally. We are chemical beings with endorphins, hormones and glandular fluctuations happening with various cycles. We cannot control every aspect of our sexual response. Stop taking it so seriously and start embracing the far reaches of sexuality. Bust out that lube. This can go the other way too. Just because someone is wet or hard, might not indicate arousal either. It is always a good idea to ask them. Communication is key!
- Sex toys are your friends. Too many people also have this idea that toys somehow suggest we are not pleasing our partner or they are not pleasing us. Please stop with this nonsense. Sex toys provide us with extra fun in ways the human body could not provide. We need to stop believing what they teach us in Hollywood and embrace reality and truth that human sexuality is far more complex, and interesting than boy meets girl and fulfills every last one of her needs with just one poke of his penis into her vagina.
- Orgasm is not the end all be all. Sure, achieving an orgasm with your partner is great, but what about all the other great stuff in between? Yes, I am talking about the kissing, the touching, the mutual masturbation, the dirty talk, the erotic story telling, the role play, yes, all of that other stuff I mentioned before that is also a part of sex is all part of the fun, excitement, passion and romance too. By becoming too focused on achieving orgasm we have become so focused on the end goal, we have forgotten to enjoy the journey. Sorry ladies and gentleman, sex should not be goal oriented, sex should be about enjoying and savoring every delicious moment with your partner.
- Don’t let the medical industry or Hollywood dictate what you already know about sex and relationships. We focus so much on arousal, intercourse and orgasm that not only have we lost sight of what it means to be truly sensual and sexual but we are also perpetuating this idea and concept of arousal and erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction and arousal dysfunctions do not exist; in general, they are a natural ebb and flow of human sexuality.
- Have fun. Sex is about having fun. Sex is about being playful, being sensual, being dirty, and being kinky. Let go and you will find that things will flow much easier.
Reprinted with permission from Love Is Not a Pie: How to Love in Every Relationship by Moushumi Ghose, available on Amazon in paperback and ebook.
Hear Moushumi Ghose speak on Saturday, February 11, 2023 at the Residence 11 Desire Summit on Sex and Relationships in Los Angeles and livestreaming worldwide. Get tickets here.