I believe the single most powerful feeling in the whole world is pleasure. Pleasure in a kiss, a touch, a taste, a scent, a moment. Pleasure when a breeze hits you on a boiling hot day, pleasure when the ragu envelops your mouth with that first rigatoni bite. Pleasure when a lover does that move, signifying an orgasm is on the horizon. It’s the sweetness of being alive. But pleasure education hit me later in life as I tried to navigate the religious guilt of my Italian-Catholic upbringing while growing into a larger body that I couldn’t hide even during the worst acne breakouts or sizing out of the teen section. I felt like I didn’t deserve anything loving or pleasing — so I made destructive decisions for my body, mind, and heart because I believed I didn’t matter. It wasn’t until I started putting myself first, considering what I like, and making good decisions for my world that I started seeing the transferable nature of pleasure.
In my book, My Pleasure: An Intimate Guide To Loving Your Body and Having Great Sex, there is only one real code the book lives by: When you feel good about your body, you feel good about your choices. And when you feel good about your choices, you can feel good about your pleasure. And while I don’t know the meaning of life or the mysteries of the universe (I’m sure there is some documentary out there that has done some digging on the topic), I do know that pleasure is a transferable tool that allows all who dive into its cool waters come out happier, more in touch with themselves, and connect to what life has to offer. Here, five tips on how to connect with pleasure every single day we are on this floating, orbital rock.
- Audit your social feeds. Our brains pick up on repeating images we see. So, if your entire social feed is filled with influencers hawking detox teas, your brain is going to think this is the standard, this is what is good, and this is what is valuable. Unfollow or mute the people that make you feel bad about your body, and fill that feed with people who would be jazzed to see you at a pool party. Moreover, take that nude photo or series of selfies — the more we practice being nude or even looking at ourselves, the easier it is to develop a strong relationship with our body image. We can’t live in a bubble with just our comforts to sustain us. We will come across the advert, image, or person that plucks at our insecurities and pain. Developing a strong connection to our body via social auditing, personal photo-taking, pleasurable baths, stretching, long walks, therapy, etc keeps our needs top of mind when we do have those negative interactions.
- Be a nerd about the things that get you off. Why do you like it when there is pressure here or a lick there? What is it about the shape of that sex toy that gets you right where you need to be? Sexual pleasure is a fascinating subject that combines biology, history, technology, and psychology all rolled into one grand ball of climax-worthy energy. Take a class at the local sex shop on lube 101, read how-to cunnilingus books that use speech therapy as its guide, and check out diagrams of genitalia that show how similar all of our parts are to each other. The more you learn, the less shameful it will feel to ask for what you want and/or make educated, sexual decisions.
- Eat the cake. Or the pasta, or the bread, or whatever carb that we have been demonized into giving up. Of course, don’t eat the food items that compromise feeling good (sending blessings to people with celiac disease). But maybe ignore the carbs are bad, carbs will make you fat rhetoric when enjoying the one-of-a-kind pasta dish made by a lover. Life is too short to take for granted the pleasures of food. It’s so erotic, so pleasing to know that a lover (or yourself) made you a meal that is about to graze your lips, swirl around your tongue and tickle your endorphins. But hey . . . food is a difficult topic to cross or even to see eating as a pleasurable act. Consider selecting one elaborate dish to perfect for a solo dinner just for you. Really get into the makership of this meal. And when it’s made, enjoy each bite, every burst, all the flavors, and the time it took for it to be this good for you to enjoy. This act of self-pleasure will lay a foundation for valuing yourself and all the other pleasures that seek to find you.
- Pleasure isn’t something you have to earn. The pleasure doesn’t have to be expensive or relevant or even Instagrammable. It doesn’t need to be physical or emotional in order to partake. It can be as simple as taking a different route on your walk home, having a calming night ritual, closing your eyes while listening to the world around you, or trying a new solo play position. Pleasure is the opposite of antiquated indulgence parlance — it’s a curated view of what makes us feel incredible and using that positivity to guide us through the tough decisions, the difficult convos, and the second opinions. Pleasure puts you first, and you deserve that sweetness just as you are.
- Learn to say no. We spend a lot of time saying yes; afraid to be seen as contentious, unsupportive, and negative by any refusal. But the more we say yes to the things that don’t matter, the less time we’ll have on what does. Say no to that invite, to that incoming call, to a lover that hasn’t been attentive to your boundaries. Practice how you would say no in the mirror or in a quiet space to get comfortable safeguarding your limits. From here, it will become easier to care for your pleasures and disregard what doesn’t serve you.
My Pleasure is available from Amazon and Bookshop.
Read an excerpt from My Pleasure on How to Love Yourself First: Solo Dates by Laura Delarato.