In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron, who’s currently a research professor at Stony Brook, and his colleagues set out to explore human connection and untangle one of the thorniest struggles that has plagued humans: love. Aron wanted to find out how people could deepen their connections with a partner and accelerate emotional closeness with a possible new love interest, via his chosen field of psychology.
What they discovered through rigorous research and testing was that by asking certain questions in a series of three phases, each personal and revelatory, the participants could bring about deep intimacy. By answering the questions honestly, participants were creating a strong level of trust in one another. Aron told The Statesman that the 36 questions were developed as “a procedure for quickly creating closeness” that was “designed as a research tool” in order to study that level of closeness, trying to collapse the level of time it took to get that close. An unexpected outcome was that the questions became useful to people in their daily lives, outside of academia. The questions “gradually escalate in personalness,” which he called “the key” to its success, along with its reciprocity. In other words, only having one partner answer the questions doesn’t work; both have to answer them to build that sense of closeness.
Aron told Warren Berger, author of The Book of Beautiful Questions, why his questions worked so well, saying, “First, just by asking, you’re showing that you care about the other person. Second, the question encourages that person to reveal something about themselves. And then that creates an opportunity for you to respond to what they are revealing.”
Made popular within the mainstream by Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” in The New York Times in 2015, the questions have taken on a new life in recent years. In her essay, Catron shares her experience of applying them to her personal life. Catron wrote of the unusual approach she and her date took to getting to know each other, “It’s easy to see how the questions encourage what they call ‘self-expansion.’ Saying things like, ‘I like your voice, your taste in beer, the way all your friends seem to admire you,’ makes certain positive qualities belonging to one person explicitly valuable to the other. It’s astounding, really, to hear what someone admires in you. I don’t know why we don’t go around thoughtfully complimenting one another all the time.”
Catron, who went on to write the memoir How to Fall in Love with Anyone, concluded that Aron’s study based on the 36 questions gave “us a way into a relationship that feels deliberate. We spent weeks in the intimate space we created that night, waiting to see what it could become.” In a TED Talk following her essay, Catron said a college student told her he was disappointed that the questions didn’t work for him, because the woman he loved only wanted to be friends. Catron considered that a success, and went on to say that falling in love is not the only measure we should be looking at, stating that we should also be asking, “How do you decide who deserves your love and who does not? How do you stay in love when things get difficult, and how do you know when to cut and run?”
Clearly, the 36 questions struck a nerve, as Catron describes, because there is, as she points out, a seductiveness to a so-called “shortcut” to love. The 36 questions test took hold in popular culture, a captivating way of trying to achieve a level of intimacy many people only dream of. The 36 questions were even the basis of a podcast musical starring Jonathan Groff and Jessie Shelton in which a couple uses them “in a last-ditch effort to save their crumbling marriage.”
These 36 questions can be applied to romantic relationships for fun and growth. They can also be used in the dating world to get to know someone on a less superficial level than “So what do you do?” While these questions are a wonderful way to glean information about a potential partner, you may want to avoid asking all 36 questions during one of your earliest dates.
With all of the social and intimate disconnection we face in this age of technology, coupled with the hustle and bustle of modern life, these 36 questions can offer a clear shortcut, or “hack,” back to true connection. They can be an exciting and revealing tool to liven up your next conversation, date or road trip with that special person you want to bond with.
The 36 questions, via A More Beautiful Question.
SET I
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
SET II
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
SET III
- Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
- Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.