So, if changing your body won’t work, what does? You might be surprised. The top three winners are . . .
- Having sex
Not all the women I surveyed for this book had negative body images. Some of them were very positive:
“My body confidence is actually better than ever. I took up yoga at 50 and now teach it. I practice every day and I am flexible, strong, and slim. I feel desirable and sexy. (Even if my breasts do still sag!)”
“I’m 49 but I still feel beautiful, and why wouldn’t I? There’s only one of me.”
“Having an affair turned my body image around. My husband constantly made snide remarks about how fat I’d become. The reason I started the affair was because this man loved every part of me. I’m the same weight but feel completely different about myself.”
“I was a swinger, and it’s a great laboratory for body confidence. It demonstrated that I was attractive to lots of men but also because I got to see lots of real people of various ages naked and sexually aroused. A great reality check in a virtual world of beautiful, manipulated, 2-D sexual images. I was a lean but stocky mesomorph with small tits, so I actually feel more womanly and sexy postmenopause at a higher weight with HRT breasts.”
All the women who wrote to me who were self-critical about their bodies had another thing in common: they weren’t having sex, even if they were in a relationship. All the women (including those just quoted) who were kind about their bodies and believed they were attractive were not only having sex, but they also reported having good, satisfying sex. Having sex improves body image.
Enjoyable sexual experiences make us feel better about our bodies. If our partner clearly enjoys making love to it, it can’t be that bad! It’s a win-win scenario: the better you feel about your body, the better sex is. Which makes us want sex more, which in turn helps feed a better body image.
Here’s a lose-lose scenario. UK research looked at the positions women who had low body confidence chose to have sex in. The most favored (40 percent) was the missionary position. The position that made women least secure about their bodies? Woman on top. While only 30 percent of women regularly orgasm through intercourse (without extra clitoral stimulation), a lot of women who do get there do it by being on top and in control. Missionary is one of the least female-friendly sex positions, because adding extra stimulation isn’t easy and his penis isn’t angled toward the front vaginal wall. Low body confidence makes women choose a position that’s almost guaranteed not to make them orgasm and ignore the position that’s most likely to.
- Being great in bed
Improving your sexual skills will do far more for your self-image than going on a diet or telling yourself you’re beautiful, says Alvear. Women who know they are sexually competent rarely experience body consciousness while they’re having sex—even if they do outside of the bedroom. “Sexual competence gives you bedroom confidence. Bedroom confidence reduces appearance anxiety,” writes Alvear.
You’ll find tons of practical information about sexual technique scattered throughout this book. Don’t skip it.
- Exercise
It might sound like strange advice to tell you to exercise if you want to reconnect to your sexual self, but it’s exactly what will help rekindle your desire for sex.
Research by Dr. Cindy Meston at the University of Texas at Austin discovered exercise can significantly increase sexual desire even in women with a low libido. She found women who exercised on an exercise bike had significantly, sometimes dramatically, higher levels of sexual arousal when asked to look at erotic
images afterward, than women who didn’t exercise beforehand. Meanwhile, past research has suggested that women who exercise have better clitoral blood flow than women who don’t.
You already know that good blood flow always means better sex. Exercise is good for everyone. Do it. Hate going to the gym? Head outside for a walk or do a class at home. There are some brilliant free online fitness classes for all levels. Walk, go for a bike ride, go swimming, do Pilates, try heavy weights (really good for older women), take a self-defense class. Your sex life will thank you.
Why Sex Toys Can Solve Your Problems
The world divides us into those who’ve used sex toys and those who haven’t. I discovered vibrators—my big sister’s “back massager,” hidden in the back of a cupboard—when I was 15. It was my first orgasm and an eye-opening, sheet-clutching, life-changing experience. (Even if the first thing I did afterward was check I hadn’t wet myself. Why don’t they teach you this stuff at school?)
Like most women who’ve used a vibrator, I’ve never looked back. When my time is over and I’m at the pearly gates, I’ll be having a good look to see if there are any vibrators up there. If not, I’m heading in the other direction; a sex life that doesn’t include sex toys is unthinkable to me.
Yet there’s a whole generation of women in their forties, fifties, and over who missed the vibrator revolution and never caught up. A recent UK survey of 2,000 women over 40 found just over one-quarter owned a vibrator and 68 percent had no sex toys whatsoever. Only 30 percent said sex toys would play a useful role in couple’s sex. This is in stark contrast to younger women: a quarter of those now own at least three.
Apathy rather than enthusiasm cropped up in my post-50 research as well. These were the answers when I asked the question “Do you use sex toys?”:
“I don’t bother with things like that.”
“My husband brought something home once, but I don’t think we ever used it. Don’t know what all the fuss is about.”
“I never really got the whole vibrator thing. I’ve got a husband, why would I want one?”
The women who answered “no” to the question also rated their sex-life satisfaction as low. This doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. If you are a woman over 50 who doesn’t own a vibrator, buying and using one will almost certainly guarantee you are more sexually satisfied than you are now. About half of all women in the US have used a vibrator and these women are more likely to report better arousal, desire, and orgasm.
If you’ve never had an orgasm, your best possible chance is with a vibrator. If you’ve never had an orgasm during penetration, it’s a vibrator that will get you there. If you’ve never had an orgasm with your partner, the best possible way is to invite your vibrator into bed with the two of you. If you want to orgasm more quickly, a vibrator is your best bet. For most women, nothing—not even damn fine oral sex—can bring us to orgasm more easily and effectively than vibration.
Reprinted with permission from Great Sex Starts at 50: Age-Proof Your Libido and Transform Your Sex Life by Tracey Cox (Chronicle Prism), available from Amazon and Bookshop.