I spent years in therapy waiting for therapists to ask me about my big wants.
* No one ever did. I distracted myself with small desires and big obstacles, pursuing some of what mattered to me while holding myself backin countless ways. I repeatedly got in my own way. I attached myself to burdens more than possibilities.
Ask me what I really want! What makes me come alive?
I sought permission. And shame and pride patrolled me. As expansive as I longed to be, a narrowness kept me from fully participating in my life.
Finally, tired of waiting and feeling stuck, I began to ask these questions when I became a psychotherapist. Working with thousands of people from all walks of life, I was struck by the electricity of exploring deep wants. However dark, whatever the circumstances, distilling what we want propels us forward and gives us a sense of possibility. Understanding our desires gives us back to ourselves and is a springboard for growth.
We all have wants, and we’re all conflicted. We show some of our wants, but others we hide, even from our own awareness. Our deep desires frighten us and excite us. We’re afraid of failing and we’re anxious about succeeding. Recognizing and understanding what we want helps us face ourselves without flinching and galvanizes us to live lives that are more fulfilling and joyful.
We are socialized to perform and conceal desires. We pretend to want the appropriate things, in the right way. We banish desires that we’re not supposed to have. We put our secret wants into a kind of psychological storage facility—our unlived lives.
We keep secrets not just from others but from ourselves. It’s a breakthrough when we can uncover and talk about banished longings.
Confronting our secret desires is an important part of psycho-therapy. We deal with painful regrets and unresolved fantasies. We face whatever is lingering from our past and messing with us now. Sometimes the secrets we reveal are issues we already know we’re hiding: affairs, addictions, obsessions. But sometimes our secrets are untold stories we haven’t even told ourselves.
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Tell Me What You Want will help you get in touch with your own depths, accept what you are hiding from others and from yourself, and, through awareness, get closer to finding your true desired path forward as you live your one precious life.
*An excerpt from Tell Me What You Want by Charlotte Fox Weber published by Atria Books. Copyright © 2023 by Charlotte Fox Weber.
Tell Me What You Want: A Therapist and Her Clients Explore Our 12 Deepest Desires is available from Amazon and Bookshop.