Exclusive Interview: Irene Morning, Author of The Polyamory Paradox

Today we bring you an interview with Irene Morning, author of The Polyamory Paradox: Finding Your Confidence in Consensual Non-Monogamy. In addition to being an author, Irene is also a somatic pleasure coach and intimacy educator. She is a polyamorous femme who helps others create relationships that fulfill their unique needs and desires by centering embodiment work.

We asked Morning about her involvement in ethical non-monogamy and polyamory, what “the polyamory paradox” means, and how she works with individual and partnered clients around exploring non-monogamy and other aspects of personal relationships.

What, if anything, did you learn about monogamy and polyamory growing up? 

Like most of us, monogamy was the default for me. I was born and raised inside of a monogamous cishet marriage and the only form of nonmonogamy I was really exposed to in any of my social context was infidelity. I remember loving the show Big Love when it came out, but I think that was pretty much the only place I confronted any notions of consensual nonmonogamy. I definitely internalized toxic messaging about what “true love” was supposed to be, and finding “the one” I can recognize now that those cultural scripts led me to perform a cishet role more than build a relationship with my true sense of desire.

When did you first become interested in polyamory and how were you introduced to it in your personal life?

I wasn’t super interested in polyamory for myself until I started seeing my now long-term anchor partner. As my feelings for him developed, I found myself thinking, This will only work if we stay open. Where I thought that might feel like compromising or molding myself for the sake of keeping this guy, it actually felt like really genuine desire and curiosity arising organically. We proceeded to make many, many mistakes as we tried to figure it all out for ourselves, but that resulted in a lot of learning and deep healing. As I educated myself more and more, I resonated deeply with polyamory actually being a core part of my identity.

How did your personal interest in polyamory transform into your career working with people around sexuality and relationships?

My personal exploration of polyamory began as I was finishing a graduate degree in yoga therapy, wrapping up a job as a clinical sexual health counselor, and transitioning into running my own business. I’d been working in the wellness industry for almost a decade, and in that have always understood my own suffering as something that can be utilized to help others. Non-monogamy revealed where I still had a lot of my own healing work to do – as I formed attachment in a non-monogamous dynamic, my complex-PTSD got triggered in a big way. This was compounded by the fact that it was really, really challenging to find any practitioners who understood how to work with the unique challenges inside of non-monogamy. So I began applying tools from my own background and training, and realized there was a huge need for body-based support specific to non-monogamy. I also knew as a sexual health counselor just how powerful it can be for folks to have frank, factual conversations about sex and sexuality, and was excited for a path where I could bridge my embodiment work with that sex-positive dialogue people need.

You’re the author of the book The Polyamory Paradox: Finding Your Confidence in Consensual Non-Monogamy. Tell us about what inspired you to write the book and what you learned through working on it.

When I first started opening up, I was reading a lot that sounded great in theory. It helped me realize I am polyamorous, not just as a lifestyle practice, but as part of my identity and orientation. But the advice in those books was worlds away from what I was experiencing in my body.  I have complex-PTSD and ADHD, both of which come with their own challenges related to emotional regulation, self-worth, sense of belonging, etc. So simultaneously developing a deep attachment with my partner while opening myself to all the potential feelings of abandonment and rejection that can come with nonmonogamous dynamics was really, really triggering for me. And I don’t just mean triggering in the sense of “this made me upset or reactive and I needed a cold shower or a walk around the block.” I mean triggering in the kind of PSTD way where what’s happening in your body interferes with you being able to do anything else in your life. The polyamory resources I was turning to trying to make sense of my experience really didn’t address the intensity of losing so much sleep, having zero ability to focus or work, or sobbing for hours on end and feeling like I couldn’t socialize because I was too distraught. The resources that were useful were the ones from my education and training in body-based healing. It made me realize that there was a huge gap in bridging those worlds.

So in short, the book was inspired by my own experience. I felt so alone in that phase of my life – my primary intention was to help others feel less alone, and maybe even turn opening up into an opportunity for healing. The book was born from a hope that we can make it easier for folks who want to transition from monogamy to nonmonogamy, especially if they have trauma to navigate.

What I learned through working on this book is that, sure enough, there are tons of folks out there who feel similarly about their early non-monogamy experience. I get messages all the time now from people saying, “Wow, you’re describing me and my life.”

I also learned (or really just reaffirmed) that a lot of the skills we need for nonmonogamy are actually just good relational skills, regardless of the structure of your relationship(s). As I was working on the layout of the book and what was going to be included, I kept circling back to the realization that nonmonogamy just amplifies the need for those skills to be strong.

In the book you describe the polyamory paradox as “The paradox most of us face in the process of opening up is that while we are maintaining or developing a deep, intimate bond with someone, we are also consensually participating in dynamics that can cause us to feel rejected or abandoned by that same person.” Can you share more about how that paradox plays out in people’s lives and how they can negotiate that?

Oh, I see so many paradoxes in polyamory. When it goes super well, the paradox is that being intimate with partner X is somehow also benefiting or increasing my sense of closeness to partner Z. And for those of us who identify as polyamorous but experience major triggers in it, there’s a paradox of feeling like embodying my true self might actually destroy me. But to address the paradox you brought up, generally it’s when we develop an attachment bond with a partner that we begin to get triggered by their engagement with other partners (at least in the earlier experiences of opening up). To me, the paradox here is that as we increase intimacy and closeness, for many that means also increasing triggers that feel like disconnection and loneliness.

The best ways I know to work with this are all laid out extensively in the book. Go read it! Just kidding… sort of.

Learning about and practicing how to communicate the really challenging stuff, and also how to ask for what you really need. A lot of my clients when they start working with me are asking their partners to help them soothe those feelings in ways that don’t actually bring them soothing. It’s a whole skill set unto itself to understand our own wants and needs, and most of us grow up conditioned to ignore them or disconnect from them.

I also really urge folks to practice listening to partner’s challenging experiences/emotions without jumping to the feeling that they are wrong or at fault. Most of us have learned only to share challenging feelings if we’re going to problem-solve in some way. But because these feelings are a normal part of the landscape in non-monogamy, it’s even more important that we learn to share just for the sake of being witnessed and heard. There is profound connection to be found in sharing without “fixing” (unless something needs problem-solving, but we have to learn to differentiate).

The thing I don’t discuss as much in the book is the importance of doing your healing work individually, nurturing your secure attachment with self (shout out to Jessica Fern’s Polysecure for some great guidance around this topic). The more we explore what a secure relationship with ourself feels like, the more equipped we are to manage our relationships.

You deal with navigating trauma in the book in several places. How does trauma play a role when exploring polyamory? Should people with trauma in their past and/or present approach polyamory differently?

If we make a more trauma-informed world, it will be a better place for everyone. So I think about this less as people with trauma approaching things differently and more like I’d love to see everyone develop some awareness and skills to approach relationships through a trauma-aware lens. That said, we know that humans store trauma in the body’s programming. So if you know you have unaddressed trauma as you’re entering polyamorous relationships, it might be a good time to start exploring some somatic work. Even if you don’t know you have some trauma, keep in mind that new relationship dynamics might bring up big stuff in your body’s response.

Polyamory more than monogamy brings up situations where we have to confront our relationship to abandonment and/or rejection. For most people with emotional, developmental or relational trauma, one or both of those are the feelings at the center of the trauma. So in a sense, diving into nonmonogamy when we have a known trauma history can be a little like playing with fire. But we heal relational trauma through relationships, so nonmonogamy can also be like going wild on a healing playground. What makes it healing is our ability to tend to old wounds that get activated, and also to repair when we create ruptures in our current context.

Is there anything monogamous people, or polyamorous people who aren’t currently practicing polyamory in their daily lives but may someday, can gain from the book?

Oh, tons!  A big part of my work is focused on embodiment, helping people harness pleasure for healing and empowerment. Doesn’t matter what kind of relationship orientation you have, learning to be increasingly at home in your body and your life is useful. When it comes to relationship stuff, the book exclusively uses examples from non-monogamous contexts, but all the skills and frameworks in it are applicable to any structure. There are chapters on communication, conflict, and collaboration on intimacy that I tried to make very practical.

For those in monogamous relationships where one or both people are curious about polyamory, what are good first steps toward dipping their toes into polyamory to get a sense of whether it might be right for them?

That’s a great question, and there is no one size fits all answer. Some couples find themselves opening up almost accidentally, while others require more deliberation and planning. Either way, continuing to work on your relationship and doing some prep work can help minimize the potential hurt you might cause each other. I try to be very realistic with everyone about this; if you’re going to dip a toe in, you’re likely going to make mistakes. After all, you’re learning something new, and that’s how humans learn. Are you ready to work through miscommunication? Are you ready to forgive not just your partner, but yourself if you do something that hurts your partner?

Non-monogamy requires more communication about things often taken for granted in monogamy, so building up your emotional communication muscles is super useful, particularly taking a look at how you navigate conflict. When you don’t see eye to eye about something sensitive, how do you listen to each other and negotiate?

I also recommend everyone spend some time exploring their whys (individually and as a couple). There are so many different reasons people first begin to lean into polyamory, and making sure you have a strong connection to your reason(s) will make it easier to choose the right steps for you and your partner. Then make a list of what you might enjoy about your partner being with other people, or how it might benefit you. If this feels impossible, you might want to revisit your why and consider whether your reason for exploring polyamory is strong enough to carry you the challenging feelings that will come up if/when your partner is with someone else.

Educate yourself by exploring polyamory content together and discussing what it brings up for you (listening to podcasts, reading books, etc). Find sex positive community, if you don’t already have it. And if you can combine those to pieces, even better! Go to adult sex education events, workshops, etc and talk to real live people about their experiences practicing polyamory. Join an online polyamory group. See how the stories and shares you’re hearing resonate with you. It’s easy to dip a toe in, get triggered, and think that means it’s not a good fit. Having other people to talk to about it can help you discern whether it’s polyamory that’s not a good fit, or you just had a really s**tty date.

You’re an author, intimacy coach, and active on social media around polyamory. What are the one or two most common questions you get about polyamory?

If I’m being honest, the questions that come directly to me span a huge variety. The largest category, though, is essentially asking how to feel ok inside of non-monogamy. Because my book talks about my own experience healing trauma through non-monogamy, a lot of the people who reach out to me are asking things related to being triggered.

That can take the form of just wanting to feel better while a partner is on a date, but I also often receive versions of the question related to partners having completely different approaches or relationship styles. I tell people all the time that relationships can work in scenarios where people want very different things, but you have to be able to still access the sense of connection and care.

I also often hear the question, “How did you know you were poly?” It’s super common if you’re questioning to want to understand how other people came to a sense of clarity about it. And I think as polyamory/non-monogamy become more and more mainstream, more and more people are questioning. Ultimately, it’s up to each individual to assess whether their discomfort is something to work through to or if it’s signaling they’re in territory that’s just not for them. My compass for this is asking if desire and/or a sense of pleasure can still come online, even if you’re sorting through discomfort. If you’re only experiencing pain and distress, we want to first get you back into a more regulated body state.

What does your work as an intimacy coach entail? How do most of your clients find you, and at what point in their sexual or relationship journey are they usually working with you?

My work as a coach combines my background in body-based healing and clinical sexual health counseling with my lived experience as a queer, neurodivergent, polyamorous femme. Folks come to me with all kinds of things they want to work on, mostly related to feeling more sexually liberated and/or romantically aligned. The majority of my clients are non-monogamous in some form, and first come to me when they’re struggling with some aspect of that, whether it’s managing anxiety related to a partner’s other partners, getting so triggered they’re physically feeling ill and/or can’t concentrate on other commitments, wanting to clarify agreements and boundaries within an existing relationship, etc.

I think especially since writing this book, people see me as someone who isn’t going to judge them for having a s**tty time inside of non-monogamy but being committed to it anyway. There can be a lot of shame and isolation that comes with the transition from monogamy to non-monogamy, and I’m getting more and more messages these days that say “I read your book and it’s the first time I feel like someone knows what I’m going through.”

The majority of my clients who aren’t polyamorous I would say are women or femmes who want to feel more free–sexually, mentally, emotionally. My understanding is that our ability to be intimate with others and our ability to be intimate with ourselves have everything to do with each other, and I don’t just mean sexually. The premise of a lot of my work is that we live in a culture that is constantly trying to deny us what we want in favor of what it wants from us. As a result, it’s not uncommon to reach a point in a relationship, or with your sexual pleasure, or really in any realm of life, and realize you’re not satisfied. Not only are you not satisfied, you’re not even sure what would feel better. With a lot of my clients, we begin by working on developing their felt sense of their own body. Emotions happen at the level of the body, so learning to speak its language gives us so much information to work with.  From this foundation, we get to explore what it is you really desire, what limits or boundaries you’ve maybe been ignoring, and just as importantly, how to communicate all of that effectively.

How long do you work with intimacy coach clients? When do you and they know when they’re “done?”

I usually tell new clients to expect to work together for about six months initially. That’s usually enough time for me to support you through more than one cycle of the pattern we’re trying to address, and it allows the nervous system time to truly integrate the changes we’re implementing. The intake process is pretty thorough and involves clear, individualized goal-setting. We continuously check in and adjust those goals as we go, or at the very least review them in month five. For some, reaching those goals feels like enough. But beyond that first six months, many of my clients stay on in some capacity because they find somatic work to be so supportive.

What questions should someone ask of a potential intimacy coach they’re looking to hire?

I think when hiring anyone for personal development or healing work, it’s important to remember there is no one right way. Every practitioner has something different to offer, so it’s really about your resonance with that person. For that reason, I encourage asking questions that will help you figure out how you feel about their approach to the thing you want to work on. For example, if you want polyamory and your partner doesn’t, and that’s the focus for you, you might ask, “What’s your approach to mismatched desires?” The more clear you are on what you want to work on, the easier it will be to tell whether you align with the person you’re speaking to.

Another thing I recommend is asking what kinds of tools they use, maybe asking them to give an example of something that comes up often in their practice. If their most commonly used tools don’t fit your learning style, that doesn’t mean anything’s wrong, but you can probably find a better fit.

I also think it’s helpful for clients to understand what different practitioners do and don’t do. Find out what they consider their scope of practice, and ask what kind of scenarios prompt them to refer out to someone else.

Ask about their biases and what they do/have done to address them. It’s almost impossible for a human being in our context to not have a single judgment when it comes to sex and sexuality, just because of the world we live in. That’s not a bad thing, but a skilled practitioner in this field should have some understanding that they’re responsible for an ongoing de-contitioning practice if they’re going to hold space for others.