The Queerly Renegade column addresses topics pertaining to identity, orientation, and a variety of life experiences through a somewhat iconoclastic and very queer lens.
The Roots of Relationship Anarchy
Relationship anarchy has its roots in the politics of anarchism. Anarchism is a term that is often misunderstood, and has many different uses. In the way we’re using it here, anarchy means without leaders; anarchism is a political structure where no person has power over others. For many people who adhere to anarchist principles, this commitment is based on not relying on “leaders” to tell us how to live our lives, but instead relying on our internal process and our communities to help us find direction.
For some of us, the standard cultural tropes about romantic love leave something to be desired. Some of us are not merely waiting to be rescued by a kiss, or to be swept off of our feet. Some of us don’t really believe in the concept of happily ever after as it was conceived of in most fairy tales. Some of us imagine a different life with very different needs and desires. And while some unlearning of monogamous ideas may be necessary, many of us have both the desire and the willingness to do the work.
Many may lack the language to build this world, but for some of us the term relationship anarchy, based on Andie Nordgren’s manifesto, offers a powerful starting point for the building of relational realities that make sense. Having been coined in the early 2000s, the term hasn’t been around for very long in the grand scheme of things. However, relationship anarchy is a concept that has a rich history in countercultural realms, and is an idea that has been gaining more and more of a following among folks who are looking for personally relevant ways of structuring relationships. The framework of relationship anarchy is an excellent fit for people who believe that varied forms of relationship have value and worth.
Recognizing Autonomy
Autonomy in this context means self-determination. Self-determination has to do with many things, bodily autonomy and ideological autonomy arguably foremost amongst them. This is the concept that you have ownership over the things you think, feel, and do. Self-determination means the right to make your own choices and decisions, and the ability to act on those choices.
For many who practice relationship anarchy, autonomy is a central need. What if your most important relationship were the one with yourself? And what if, starting from there, you were able to also recognize other people’s relationships with themselves as important too? How would this basic recognition of autonomy shift things in your interactions? For many, this baseline of understanding increases awareness of the importance of conversations about consent, the assumption of a goal of sexual and emotional exclusivity, relationship agreements, and independence.
Recognizing autonomy as a basic element of relationships is a central element of relationship anarchy. When your network of relational support includes the relationship with yourself, basic stability is far more easy to attain. For some, a recognition of autonomy in relationships also leads to more relational comfort and satisfaction.
No More Hierarchies
All relationships count! In relationship anarchy, one relationship doesn’t “outrank” another, because there is no ranking system. In the culture of monogamy, there is a distinct order to relationships; this is often hierarchical—or arranged in order of rank. Generally, this hierarchy puts our romantic and/or sexual relationships at the top of the pyramid—and in monogamy, there can only be one of these relationships at a time.
Relationship hierarchies, systems of ranking relationships in order of importance, have no place in relationship anarchy. In relationship anarchy every relationship is defined unto itself, and not measured against different relationships. Each relationship, with its unique set of needs and desires, is taken on its own merit, has its own specific value in your life, and is defined by its own existence.
No Rules—Except The Ones That are Mutually Agreed To!
In relationship anarchy, relationships don’t have standardized sets of rules. There are no assumptions or expectations of sexual engagement, or of sexual or emotional exclusivity. In relationship anarchy, whether you are having sex with each other or not does not define the importance of a given relationship. Relationships can be defined on their own terms, and the agreements that define your relationship can be tailor-made to fit specific shared needs and desires.
Each relationship has its own limits, wants, needs, expression, goals, and values. Amazing things can happen when we treat a relationship according to its own set of parameters. Just like a person, a relationship can truly grow into its authentic self when recognized for its unique considerations.
Love is Love is Love
From a relationship anarchy perspective, your platonic life partnership with your bestie is just as valid as relationships with your lovers/boyfriends/girlfriends/enbyfriends. Relationship anarchy makes room to recognize all relationships as real and valid. Your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with your bestie and your relationship with your lover and your relationship with your friend and your relationship with your guardian or parent and your relationship with your favorite place and your relationship with your pet and your relationship with your sibling all support you; they are all part of the ecosystem of your life. None needs to be in competition with another.
Relationship anarchy offers a new framework for loving, living, and getting along. It offers a new format for building community and family. Creating commitments that make sense to you and those you love is a simple and revolutionary approach to building the life you envision. The possibilities are endless, and the groundwork is yours to create.
Read all Lasara’s Queerly Renegade columns here.