The following excerpts were taken from the book, Does Sex Have an Expiration date? A Guide to Developing Your Ageless Sex Life.
Does Sex Have an Expiration Date?
Your definition of “having sex” will decide its expiration date. If you insist on the traditional style of vaginal intercourse with an erect penis, this might be an issue if your partner cannot get hard enough to enter you or stay hard long enough to enjoy it, and if ED medications either do not work or interfere with your partner’s medical problems.
Your vagina might be too compromised from various medical or hormonal issues creating pain that makes intercourse unbearable. This could be a temporary situation or one that is too difficult to treat. So, if vaginal intercourse is your definition of sex and you experience any of the above, then yes it might feel like your sex contract has expired.
But think about what sex actually means to you and what aspects are important for you to feel sexually alive. Orgasm is a marker for some people, and that might change to just cuddling and/or kissing if medical problems or medications makes this difficult for either or both partners. Take it one step further and don’t give sex a meaning—give yourself the privilege to examine what it means to you every time you wish to express yourself sexually. This is an opportunity to create a new journey to finding your Personal Path to Pleasure (An individual’s unique method and style of creating pleasure with an ever-changing body.)
During my research and in my practice as a sexologist, I came to realize that each woman has her own unique method for creating the wanting of sex, the experience of sexual pleasure, and the outcome of sexual satisfaction as she defines it. This process is not a fixed approach and is impacted by many circumstances including the demands of daily life, state of her relationship, and body challenges. The Personal Path to Pleasure is as unique as the individual woman who is interested in experiencing sexual pleasure.
Once a woman understands the need to proactively create conscious triggers (behaviors that have the ability to spark libido) and that they differ for each woman, discovering her Personal Path to Pleasure follows. Many exercises and questionnaires are offered in the book to help you develop your Personal Path to Pleasure.
I suggest you take this opportunity to decide there is no expiration date. Give yourself permission to explore and create sensations that bring pleasure to you and your sex partner.
Outercourse as a trigger for sexual expression
Outercourse refers to non-penetrative sex, the type of stimulation that excludes intercourse but can include orgasm. Intimate kissing is a common outercourse behavior that many couples overlook, and yet it fits into all the categories of the Personal Path to Pleasure model, especially as a trigger for sexual expression.
Kissing is one of the prime behaviors that has the power to ignite your libido. Kissing with intent, a make-out session to arouse, is very different than the kisses we blow in the air or by briskly touching lips as a salutation. The following points are suggestions meant to spur your imagination and then I suggest putting your own “spin” on them.
- Spend an extended period of time gazing and kissing.
- Explore each other’s mouth with your tongue.
- Play, have fun, laugh, hum while kissing, do something different with each kiss.
- Create passionate noises while kissing.
- Teeny tiny pecks to the other end of the spectrum—swallowing each other’s tongue and everything in between.
- Hands to caress only above the shoulders.
- If your eyes are comfortable, try gazing while kissing, or gaze between kisses. Alternate with closed eyes, focusing inward on the aromas and sensation of the kiss.
- When your lips tire, use them to kiss elsewhere above the shoulders—neck, face, scalp.
- Kiss as if you are trying to give each other the most pleasurable experience possible.
- Suck gently on your partners upper or lower lip.
- Gently suck your partner’s tongue into your mouth.
- Kiss with no expectation of more, kiss and do nothing but kiss, leave each other panting, wanting for more, until the next time.
Erotic Connections
The lack of sustained erotic connections is one of the major issues in many sexless marriages and the lack of sex is the outcome. Being able to create and nurture these connections forms the backbone for an optimal sexual relationship.
The following daily rituals are the glue for many relationships—they are quite simple, yet extremely powerful. If you have been in a touchless marriage for some time, start with holding hands and wait until that becomes a comfortable feeling, and then move on to hugs. Performed regularly with mutual consent, these rituals will ultimately become the cornerstone for your healthy intimate relationship, helping to sustain your erotic connection and ultimately an optimal sex life.
- Hold hands while walking or in discussion, especially for a talk about a difficult subject. You can also hold hands while watching films or videos together. While in discussion, a hand or foot massage is a most relaxing behavior. (Caveat: There are some individuals who would find this directive distracting.)
- Hugs, hugs, hugs, there can never be enough, at least one extended hug per day. Sometimes just a stroke or gentle clasping of the shoulder, arm, or back can send a very powerful nonverbal message of caring/love.
- Eye contact during conversations. All right, not while driving or chopping the vegetables, but whenever feasible. Eye contact while expressing your feelings is exceedingly potent.
- Lingering kisses, lasting approximately 10 seconds or longer depending upon your comfort. Kisses should be exchanged in the morning (before or after teeth are brushed, personal preference prevails) and when you meet again at the end of the day or prior to sleep. Of course, if you wish to kiss more often that is fine. A wonderful good morning kiss can set the mood for a day of smiles perhaps even of a wanting…an implicit promise to be continued later.
You will become extremely attuned to these prolonged kisses and begin to notice differences depending upon your individual moods or how you are feeling towards each other. I encourage you to explore new styles of kissing, holding, gazing; it will allow you as a couple to change old patterns more easily.
I would like to part with a statement I often voice, “Think of your bed as a sandbox without the sand, a place to frolic and create much pleasure.” I am often approached after my talks by people who had never thought of sex as fun. They appreciate my “assignment,” giving them permission to be playful and to relish the pleasure of sex.
These are but a few of the suggestions, along with questionnaires and sample dialogues, offered in the book Does Sex Have an Expiration Date?
Does Sex Have an Expiration Date? is available from Amazon and Bookshop.