The following is an excerpt taken with permission from Done Being Single: A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Love by Treva Brandon Scharf.
I want women to meet Mr. Right, and I want men to be Mr. Right. I root for men to do the right thing, and I want women to follow suit. Because when it comes down to it, you all want the same thing: honesty, decency, and respect.
To know if someone’s right for you, consider the following:
- They know how to communicate. They aren’t afraid to express their feelings, thoughts, goals, or anything else. They’re honest about who they are and encourage you to be honest too.
- They don’t try to get to know you through texting. Someone who’s interested calls. They don’t hide behind texts or carry on day-long text conversations that go nowhere.. Too much gets lost in translation when you text anyway, so keep it to a minimum when just starting out.
- They would move heaven and earth to see you. Or as an old friend of mine put it, “If a guy wants you, he’ll put his dick through glass.” In lieu of a dick, if a woman wants you, she’ll stop jerking you around with flimsy excuses to get out of seeing you. If she means business, she’ll make you a priority.
- They pursue you properly. They make plans, they think ahead, and they don’t wait till the last minute to ask you out. They’re inquisitive, they respect your input, and never push or pressure. And if they start sexting too soon, you’ll know all they want is to get into your pants, not into your heart.
- They’re a straight shooter, in real life, and on social media. They’re proud to show up with you online and off. They don’t keep you a secret. They also don’t use social media as a manipulative tool to make you jealous, insecure, or play games.
- They don’t come on too strong. They don’t make grand romantic gestures or pronouncements in the first few dates like “I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” or “I could see myself marrying you.” Those are big red flags. Excessive flattery, attention, and compliments should also set off alarm bells. Someone who overpromises will most always underdeliver. And if they say “I want to take care of you” on the first date, they’re full of s**t, most likely a narcissist, and have no intention of making good on their offer.
- They aren’t afraid of intimacy. They can get close and not freak out. When things get serious, they don’t run. Instead, they step up. And if they can’t step up, they bow out gracefully and proactively.
Your right person might not be around the corner; they might be light years away, or right in front of your face the whole time, but just not ready. So don’t curse the universe; trust it instead. Because when you do meet your person, you will have the right stuff to know if they’re right for you.
Done Being Single is available from Amazon and Bookshop.
See our interview with Treva Brandon Scharf on love and aging.