I like to think of myself as a little unicorn dusting herself off and straightening her horn, always thinking of a new route when the one she’s on isn’t working. I’m someone who just keeps prancing despite who I am, where I am, or how others see me.
That Unicorn doesn’t let anyone else define her. That Unicorn creates her own path and does it with love and kindness and respect. And That Unicorn leaves a little sparkle wherever she goes so that others have a chance to follow.
At its core, being That Unicorn is about being yourself and feeling really, really good about that and making others feel really, really good about themselves too. It’s all about contradictions and not following the crowd or doing the expected. That Unicorn knows that, to lead a unicorn life, you have to find your magic, live your truth, and always share your shine.
Being That Unicorn isn’t about being perfect. It isn’t about glossing over the hard stuff or the sad stuff. It’s about being true to yourself and not letting life hold you down, because it certainly will try. The only real magic in the world is the magic you will find inside your own head. You can use it to hold you up and propel you forward and to help others to do the same. You use it when you feel like you just can’t.
“Herbert, we’ve got to wrangle this,” I whisper in my own ear, and away we go. Sometimes, I imagine him carrying me into battle. It’s a silly image, I suppose. But I kind of love it. It makes me smile and it gives me that little push I need to do the things that of course I can do, despite fearing that I can’t.
You don’t have to name your unicorn. Ultimately, your unicorn is you. But it helps me to feel like I have an ongoing partner in crime. It means I’m never alone. Herbert is my spirit guide, my magic feather, my Jiminy Cricket, my inner voice. To be That Unicorn is to heed that whisper that never falters. The magic is in discovering and trusting what you’re hearing, that consistent message that says you are amazing.
You are amazing…and yet things are still going to get messed up now and again. Here’s the difference between unicorns and everyone else: That Unicorn knows it’s worth picking up the pieces. What’s the other choice anyway? Wallowing? That’s no fun and so very unproductive. And that’s not the person we look up to and long to be. It just isn’t. We long to be the person who walks through life horn up, not horn down. Who doesn’t ignore the puddles, but instead puts on her boots and jumps through them. Who doesn’t leave others in the muck, but leads the way around the mess. Who treats others the way she wants to be treated, not for gain but simply (as my wife likes to say) because it’s the right thing to do.
That Unicorn knows that the natural enemy of life is becoming overwhelmed. When we get overwhelmed, we lose sight of what we wanted in the first place. That Unicorn is an ace at keeping her eye on the prize. To live like That Unicorn is the ultimate goal. The good news is, we don’t have to be perfect at it. The great news is, with our inner unicorn as our guide, we just might have a chance at doing a pretty darn good job of it.
All day long and from every angle, we hear what we should be doing, how we should be doing it, and what we should look like while we’re at it. Most of what is thrown at us is preposterously unattainable. Much of it is about giving our money to companies who care very little about us but a whole lot about making money. Life is a much shorter trip than you might think. My dad says to think of it as an amusement park to which you can only ever get one ticket, and, once it’s closed, it’s closed. You have one chance to ride the rides and see the shows and taste the cotton candy and connect with the other people there.
…most of us think we know how to listen to and trust the voice inside us. But too many of us actually don’t. Humans are stubborn. We hear what we want to hear. But if we take the time to quiet our minds and really listen, we will know which trails to follow and which to leave cold.
With every challenge, you have to ask yourself, “What would That Unicorn do?” Then you have to take the leap and trust that the process will get you there. First, find your magic. What is the special extra oomph that you can sprinkle onto the situation at hand? Second, live your truth. What is your truth—not the truth, your truth? What is your truth, and how can you live that out honestly in this moment? Finally, share your shine. How can you share—with yourself, with the universe, with the people around you—that special thing, that magic, that shine?
Badass Affirmations
If you’re anything like me, there are always aspects of your life or your personality that you’re working to improve. After all, nobody’s perfect—that’s part of the beauty of life. We all make mistakes, we all have bad habits, we all make bad choices sometimes, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s great! But if you do want to continue learning and improving, it’s probably not a great idea to just keep doing the same thing you’ve been doing for years. It’s time to try something new.
This is where affirmations come in. Affirmations are positive statements that you make out loud, every day, to help you shift your mindset in a positive and productive way. These statements can be about literally anything. For example, if you are trying to increase your self-confidence, you could say something like, “My self-confidence increases every day.” Or if, let’s say, you just had a bad breakup and you’re trying to shift your focus from your dating life (or lack thereof) to your career—then you could say to yourself, “I will focus on improving my job prospects,” or, “I am completely focused on my work.” It’s all about what changes you want to make—how you want to improve your mindset and, ultimately, your life.
Now, one of the main benefits of affirmations is that they help you to change how you think—over time. You won’t wake up one morning, say to yourself that you’re going to be happy from now on, and then have the best day of your life every day until you die. (Well, you probably won’t. Anyway—I suppose anything is possible.) But if you commit to taking five minutes of your morning to stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and tell yourself that you are a beautiful, capable person who will achieve all she is working for, you’ll find that after a couple of weeks, you’re actually starting to believe yourself. Maybe you’ll stop cringing every time you look in the mirror, or maybe you’ll start to notice all of the small steps you’re making toward your big goals—the steps that have been made easier now that you know, and I mean really know, that you’re capable of anything you set your mind to.
Affirmations aren’t magic spells. You can’t just say that you’re going to advance in your career and sit in your chair staring at a blank computer screen every day—you have to work your ass off and take advantage of the chance opportunities that come around. You can’t just tell yourself that you’re going to love your family members better and then proceed to ignore them every time they come near—you have to actually listen when they talk and respond patiently and kindly. What I’m saying is, if you don’t follow up on your affirmations with actions, not much in your life will really change. I mean, it makes sense. Empty words are useless. But affirmations are the first step to a better morning, to an improved mindset—to a you that you actually like to be around.
In a day and age when women are still fighting for equal pay for equal (and sometimes—dare I say—better) work, it’s easy to see how we might have trouble with our self-esteem. After all, we’re still shaking off the side effects of hundreds of years of training to be seen but not heard, to serve but not be served. But thanks to modern feminism, women are again fighting back against the archaic, “traditional” idea that a woman’s role is to simply be an in-home cook, personal maid, and smiling living-room ornament—today, we women tackle work and play, motherhood and muscle, beauty and bossiness. After all, what better quality than bossiness is there for the accomplished bosses and leaders of the world?
You are unstoppable. That’s right. You, the person reading this book right now. You really are. And you don’t have to feel like it every day for it to be true. Each and every day that you live and breathe, you are proving that you cannot be stopped—that you refuse to be stopped.
Affirmation Station
I am unstoppable. I will do what it takes to change the world for the better. I learn from every setback.
Every setback teaches you something you will use to leap forward. Every thoughtless criticism adds fuel to your fire. Every single person who tells you that you can’t will be proven wrong. And in the end, they don’t even matter. That’s right—the people who would hold you down, who would prevent you from pursuing your goals and dreams, don’t matter. Because they are nothing but hot air. If they lock one door, open another. And if they bar that one, break through a window. Fight your way to the top and take your sisters with you.
Take the affirmations you have written down, the ones from this book, and any you created for yourself, and wear them like armor. Anyone who wants to get to you has to get through your unwavering self-confidence, your powerful love, your strength and beauty, your inner drive, your family support, and your raw power. And the more you affirm yourself, the stronger that armor will be. So don’t give up. Don’t give in. Live your life the way you want to live it.
Attitudes of Gratitude
In the three years since I wrote Attitudes of Gratitude, I’ve been teaching about and practicing gratitude on a daily basis. What I’ve come to see is that while it is easy to be grateful in the abstract—for sun and rain and good food—often the place where it is most difficult to practice is in our most intimate relationships. So many of us are (rightfully) grateful to the stranger who helps us pull our car out of the ditch but take for granted the daily gift our loved one is.
I know that’s true for me. I am almost always unfailingly appreciative of everyone except the one closest to me. With my husband, just as Dave Barry points out, I spend most of my time cataloging his most irritating foibles and lacks. And yet I know all the way down to my bones that one of the best ways to create happiness and joy in life, and therefore in love, is to be as grateful as possible.
And so I set out to study the phenomenon. What holds us back from a full sense of gratitude to this other being who has chosen us among all others to spend a life with? What would happen if we truly allowed ourselves to feel the gift this love represents? How can we cultivate gratitude for love on a daily basis?
As with all my books, I must say that I am no expert in this. In fact, when it comes to an attitude of gratitude in love, I am a rank beginner. What you are holding in your hand is a work in progress. It represents what I and others have learned about the joy that can be experienced by living in a state of gratitude for our intimate partner; why we keep ourselves from experiencing the happiness gratitude can bring; the attitudes that foster such positive feelings; and the practices that enhance the possibility on a daily basis. I offer it in the spirit of a fellow traveler, one who seeks to live fully and love well, a flawed human being who, at the end of her life, wishes to be able to be proud of the ways she has loved those who have graced her life.
I know only a few things with absolute certainty. One is that our intimate relationship—the pairing of one human being with another—is the greatest vehicle for emotional and spiritual growth life affords us. Within its crucible, every old wound is revisited, every certainty is challenged, every fine quality of our being is forced to expand beyond our perceived limits. If we do it right, we are inevitably transformed into more loving and wise human beings. But too often we get stuck in ruts that prevent us from allowing this alchemical magic to take place. We run the same negative stories over and over, we get caught in games of blame and shame, we give up in despair.
That’s where the power of gratitude comes in. The more we can practice gratitude for our love, the less we get stuck in the places where relationships can really hang us up. Theorists call this an “asset focus.” Increasingly, those who study human systems are doing work that shows the more you look at what’s right instead of what’s wrong, the more change actually occurs. Impasses break up, new insights arise, and the energy begins to move in a positive direction. Conversely when you focus on what’s wrong, you tend to dig yourself into a bigger hole.
Socially, this understanding of how important an asset focus is can be seen in the switch so many people are making from therapy to coaching when needing support. Therapy assumes you or your relationship are broken and need to be fixed; most of the focus during the sessions is on analyzing the problem and where it came from. Coaching, on the other hand, assumes you or your relationship are whole and supports you in manifesting more of what you want. The current focus on coaching represents, whether implicitly or explicitly, an understanding that noticing what’s right is more useful than analyzing what’s wrong in creating satisfaction and peace of mind in ourselves and our relationships. This is not to say that therapy or looking at a problem is always bad; sometimes it is crucially important in order to heal. But it is an awareness that perhaps we’ve been putting most of our attention on the wrong thing. As the song says, We’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places.
Gratitude also opens our hearts and gets us out of bitterness or resentment, creating a sense of emotional generosity toward the one we love. And from that place of generosity, new possibilities emerge.
When it comes to positive attributes like gratitude, kindness, generosity (as opposed to giving material objects such as sweaters or mink coats), the more we give what we want to receive, the more we increase the chances we’ll get what we want. When it comes to gratitude, fundamentally you can’t lose—offer appreciation and the other person tends to warm toward you, and therefore is more likely to appreciate you in return. That’s because gratitude and positivity build on themselves. Enter into a cycle of thankfulness, and both of you will tend to feel closer and more loving, and therefore more appreciative, closer, and loving. However it is true that you can’t guarantee that the other person will begin to appreciate you more because of your offering. But there is a way you can ensure you get the appreciation you crave—give it to yourself! Many of us crave appreciation from others because we haven’t give ourselves enough. We keep looking on the outside for the thanks we need to offer ourselves.
…it is precisely where we have been wounded that the light shines through us most strongly. It is my prayer that when times are tough between you, you will hold your relationship in this higher awareness, as a sacred container for soulmaking, and as such, experience it as worthy of your thankfulness. p 204
To open ourselves to the full joy that is possible from our most intimate relationships is a sacred honor. But it is not something we do once and for all. Hearts open and close, rightly so. Practicing gratitude in love is just that—a practice. Like all other soul practices, we can get better and better at it, but there is no discernable endpoint. All there is is the practice. We try and our hearts fill with joy. We get hurt and shut down for a while. Then we begin again. We set our feet on the path of gratefulness and continue the journey.
May you enjoy to the fullest the journey of love you are on, and may you experience its blessings on a daily basis.
Reprinted with permission from Be That Unicorn: Find Your Magic, Live Your Truth, and Share Your Shine by Jenny Block (Mango Publishing).
Be That Unicorn is available from Amazon and Bookshop.