While sex toys are becoming less taboo than ever, with 50% of cis men and 65% of cis women in the US having owned a sex toy at some point, actually buying and choosing a sex toy can still feel emotionally fraught for a lot of people. For trans people, navigating sex shops can be extra fraught, whether it’s because of cissexism within the sex toy industry or because of cultural perceptions of trans sexuality.
To help alleviate this, I’ve put together some tips to help you with navigating buying sex toys as a trans person.
Look For Inclusive Retailers
While a lot of sex toy retailers and shops still group sex toys by ‘for men’, ‘for women’, and ‘for couples’, an increasing number are doing away with unnecessary gendering. Look for retailers who categorise their products by function—such as ‘anal toys’, ‘wand vibrators’, or ‘strap-ons’—rather than those who make (often heteronormative!) assumptions about who will use particular items.
Know How And In What Ways You Want To Interact With Your Body
A lot of cisheternormative sex is built on a social script— expectations around what body parts will be interacted with, in what ways, and when in a sequence of events. This reductive cultural approach to sex doesn’t serve anyone, and can extend to the ways we have sex even solo.
Knowing your own tastes and desires is a difficult, ongoing process. However, spending some time thinking about what you want before you even start shopping for toys can be invaluable!
If you experience dysphoria, do you want your genitals interacted with only in particular ways? Do you dislike the idea of being penetrated or penetrating something else? Do you only want a toy to touch you indirectly, such as though clothes? Are there any motions or movements that ‘feel’ gendered to you (whether that’s true or not) in a way that’s either affirming or makes you feel dysphoric?
Your answers to these questions may feel ‘problematic’ in the way that they gender different behaviours, but that’s ok! While it’s not true to say behaviours or acts are universally gendered (or accuse people who engage with them in different ways to you of ‘doing gender wrong’), your emotional reaction to them is valid, and you have a right to have solo sex in a way that makes you feel comfortable and affirmed.
Remember You Don’t Need To Use Toys In The Way They’re Marketed
As well as sex toy categories often being cisheternormative, the way that toys themselves are marketed is often more limited than the ways they can actually be used. But—aside from the fact that anything inserted anally should have a flared base—you’re not beholden to using them this way!
For example, a toy curved enough to be used for prostate stimulation can also be used for g-spot stimulation, a wand vibrator can just as easily be used on a penis as it can on a vulva, a bullet vibrator can be used for muffing, ‘lasso’ or ‘bolo tie’ style cock rings can be used around clitorises, and TENGA eggs can be turned inside out to either rub on a vulva or put on the head of a wand vibrator.
You Might Not Be Able To Use Toys In The Way They’re Marketed (& There’s Nothing Wrong With You If That’s The Case)
Cisgender people’s bodies are treated as the default in our world, with most sex toys developed with primarily (if not exclusively) cis users in mind. Because of this—and the ways in which medical transition can impact the form, size, and function of some transgender people’s body parts—you may find that a product doesn’t work for you. For example, if you’re a transmasculine person who’s experienced clitoral growth on testosterone, you may find your anatomy is too large to fit into an air pulsation toy like the Satisfyer. Similarly, some transfeminine people on HRT have difficulty maintaining or getting an erection, and may not be able to use a penis sleeve like a Fleshlight because of it.
Feeling ‘wrong’ or ‘broken’ if a sex toy doesn’t work for you is a relatively common experience, especially as we live in a sex-negative society. This can be extra potent for trans people though, as we sit outside of cisnormative standards of what bodies ‘should’ look like or how they ‘should’ function.
If you purchase a sex toy and find it doesn’t work for you, remember that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you—the toy is simply not made to fit your body and your needs.