Tomorrow, October 11, is National Coming Out Day, so we wanted to share some advice on how to come out as polyamorous. Whether you’re new to ethical non-monogamy or have decided that you want to share this aspect of your life with friends, family, loved ones, coworkers, or anyone else, here’s some advice about coming out as poly that can make the process a little easier.
- Make sure you have a clear idea of why you’re coming out. You’re under no obligation to come out to anyone about your relationship status (or your gender or sexual orientation). Make sure you’re not feeling pressured to come out, but instead are doing it for reasons that make sense to you. People have different reasons for coming out, and your reasons should be your own.
- Decide who you’re going to come out to you. You may have a very different conversation about polyamory with your parents or siblings than you do with your closest friends. If you’re currently in a polyamorous relationship and are planning to share those details with other people, make sure the people in your relationship (and, if applicable, your polycule) are aware and approve of you making this aspect of their lives public.
- Prepare some talking points ahead of time. Think about the inspiration for your coming out, how being polyamorous has impacted your life, and what you want the people you’re coming out to to know. You may be coming out as part of a larger relationship structure, or coming out as being involved in solo polyamory. Whatever your situation is, get clear on what you want to say, and perhaps practice saying it out loud in front of the mirror so you can feel strong and steady in sharing this portion of your life.
- While you will likely face many questions, know that you don’t have to answer all of them, especially questions that feel too invasive or personal. Focus on the talking points you’ve prepared to help guide you and stand firm over how much information you want to share. For instance, if you’re in a primary relationship as well as a secondary relationship, you may want to share that you’re in a secondary relationship and perhaps give an overview of what that means, but you don’t need to share every rule and structure of those relationships.
- Provide polyamory resources if people want to know more. You may want to direct your loved ones to websites about polyamory such as Poly.Land or Non-Monogamy Help or podcasts such as Multiamory or Polyamory Weekly.
- Know that coming out as polyamorous is only the first step in the process. You will likely face more questions from those you come out to as their understanding of non-monogamy evolves, and likely may have updates of your own to share.
Finally, here’s a video by poly coach Laurie Ellington about coming out as polyamorous that has more helpful advice.