There’s no one “right” way to do polyamory. Everyone comes into their nonmonogamous desires and commitments in different ways and under different circumstances. Maybe you’re like me and for a long time felt that monogamy didn’t quite fit. Maybe it’s your partner who is talking about opening your relationship and you are doing some research. Maybe you have been polyam for a while now but feel the need to reset your expectations and habits in relationships.
Whatever your walk of life, having solid guiding principles will help you evaluate conflict, difficult conversations, and opportunities in an honest and realistic way.
Following are five concepts that guide my polyamorous practice.
Polyam Toolkit
1 Be Honest
This is the first, and simplest, tenet of my polyamorous practice. Be honest. Don’t lie to yourself or others. Be absolutely clear—paint a picture in detail—about who you are and what you’re looking for.
Honesty, like consent, has a reputation for “killing the mood” or “ being unsexy.” But this misses the point. Spending time together doesn’t have to be sexy to be enjoyable or intimate to be important. Sexiness is ephemeral—but the trust and connection you build via honesty are not.
2 Don’t Assume Others Understand You
People want to be understood, but it takes time and effort to connect the dots between what you want versus what you think you want. What you said versus how it was understood. What you feel versus what others think you feel.
This is why clarifying questions are so important. When you’re in conversation with someone, ask questions and confirm understanding.
3 Be Humble
Being polyamorous is a lifelong learning process. As you move through relationships, you’ll learn new things about yourself and others. You’ll identify where you struggle to cope, realize where you need more support, and learn about new tools to help you and your partners navigate life.
Cultivate humbleness—the ability to receive new information and collaborate with others—in your relationships. Overconfidence is rigidity, but humbleness is not the same as malleability. You still need to know your values and boundaries, and you still need to be realistic about who your partners are and whether you and they are truly well suited for collaboration.
4 Manage Your Expectations
Expectations are the death of freedom. If that sounds harsh, then let me explain.
At their core, expectations are the beliefs that someone should or must do something. We put expectations on ourselves and others all the time, even without realizing it.
Some expectations are explicitly communicated, negotiated, and consented to by all parties involved. In fact, many expectations can be healthy.
But some expectations are assumed, meaning they are never communicated or negotiated. Healthy expectations represent consensual agreements. Unhealthy expectations are a mechanism of control and a fast track to disappointment.
Then you need to talk about your expectations in depth, not only with yourself but also with your partners. Your expectations must be made explicit, so that all parties are fully informed and consenting.
5 Walk the Walk and Talk the Talk
As you journey into different polyam communities, you’ll find a lot of different people. Some will be amazing, fascinating people. Others will rub you the wrong way and make that little voice in your head say, Run.
The most important piece of advice I can give you is this: pay attention to what people do, not what they say.
Look for people whose actions align with their words. And strive to be a person whose ideals and values show up in the way they treat others, disclose important information, own up to their mistakes, make amends, and enforce realistic boundaries.
| THE DO’S AND DON’TS OF POLYAMORY | |
| * DO prioritize your freedom.
* DO prioritize and respect your partners’ agency. * DO assume others have good intentions. * DO adopt an “us versus the problem” mentality. |
* DON’T control your partner via rules, double standards, or guilt trips.
* DON’T rely on rule-making to avoid your own discomfort. * DON’T expect others to save you, parent you, or fix you. |
| * DO check your ego.
* DO interrogate double standards. * DO interrogate the ways sexism, racism, white supremacy, ableism, sex negativity, and homophobia may show up in your relationships. * DO take responsibility for your actions. * DO learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy expectations. * DO let go of unhealthy expectations. * DO learn how to apologize well. * DO approach your metamours with curiosity and warmth. * DO get tested regularly for STIs. * DO get comfortable talking about sex— and get educated. * DO get comfortable acknowledging and identifying areas in yourself where personal growth is needed. * DO get used to asking people for support. * DO get used to asking, How can I support you right now? * DO use boundaries to protect yourself, not punish others. * DO internalize that love is abundant. * DO move away from a scarcity mentality and toward an abundance mentality. * DO actively seek out tools, therapy, and education on ethical nonmonogamy. * DO embrace change. |
* DON’T compete with your partners for love and attention.
* DON’T make your discomfort other people’s responsibility. * DON’T compare yourself with other polyam people. * DON’T compare yourself with your partner’s partners. * DON’T be hostile to your metamours. * DON’T sabotage your partners’ relationships. * DON’T use polyamory to save a dying relationship. * DON’T use polyamory as an excuse to do whatever you want. * DON’T force a relationship open if not all parties are 100 percent onboard. * DON’T use polyamory as an excuse to cheat. * DON’T use other human beings as a fetish, experiment, or trial. * DON’T assume polyamory makes you better than monogamous people. * DON’T jump into polyamory if you don’t know yourself. Figure out your own s**t so that you don’t drag others into it. * DON’T assume that love is finite. * DON’T be afraid of change. * DON’T judge yourself for experiencing a learning curve. |
Excerpted with permission from The Polyamory Workbook: An Interactive Guide to Setting Boundaries, Communicating Your Needs, and Building Secure, Healthy Open Relationships by Sara Youngblood Gregory (Ulysses Press). Available from Amazon and Bookshop.