I’m going to let out a bloodcurdling scream the next time a dating app asks me if I prefer hamsters to mice (mice—duh. Who among us hasn’t been traumatized by losing the third-grade class hamster?). I’ve gone on approximately “too many” terrible first dates, and it’s because dating apps aren’t asking the right questions to filter for the type of people I’d actually want to go out with. Here are some recommendations for more relevant Qs.
• Can we watch all of Love Island in a row? British and American?
• Can you name all five Spice Girls? No Googling.
• Sports? Do you do or watch them? More importantly, will you ever
make me?
• What’s your stance on doing dishes?
• What’s your stance on respecting people? Pro, con, or libertarian?
• Do you regularly interrupt people in convers—
• Do you still watch your ex’s Instagram stories?
• Will you still watch my Instagram stories?
• Within an hour of me posting them?
• Maybe forty-five minutes?
• Will you hug my mom? But not in a weird way, okay? You know what I
mean. Some people hug moms a little too tightly.
• Do you want my kids? (I don’t know why Hinge doesn’t specify this.)
• Are you a bot? And I don’t mean like a computer program, I mean like do
you have emotional intelligence?
• Is it okay if I’m in a bad mood 70 percent of the time?
• 80 percent?
• 90 percent?
• 95 percent?
• What color are your bedsheets? This is just to confirm you have them.
Also, I sometimes like to match my outfit to them, so please try to have
them not be orange.
• Have you ghosted anyone in the past forty-eight months?
• Are you open to committing to a relationship in the next five to
seven years?
• Do you use the term “tied down” to describe the experience of being in a
stable relationship with a loving partner?
• Are you kind?
• Oh, sorry, I didn’t finish typing the last one. Are you kind of a dick?
Reprinted with permission from I’m More Dateable Than a Plate of Refried Beans: And Other Romantic Observations by Ginny Hogan (Chronicle Books). Available from Amazon and Bookshop.