Each of us carries a unique relationship signature that follows us throughout our lives. Shaped by our earliest attachments, it is the blueprint for how we relate to others on a romantic level and our tendencies when we begin to get close to someone. Some of us tend to move away from connection while others are more likely to move toward it, sometimes to the point where we lose ourselves in the process.
We get stuck in old patterns when we continue to operate from the belief that the issue lies solely with our partner or the relationship itself without recognizing that we are the common denominator in all our experiences. We are being invited to shine a light inward and ask ourselves the hard questions. The first and most important question is, What is this pattern trying to teach me? If we are mindful and attentive, we can begin to see the ways in which our partners, and the relationships we choose, are revealing the parts of us that want to emerge, be seen and heal. They are where our unconscious fears and deepest wounds are activated.
Sometimes the pattern is showing us that we need to voice our needs more and set firmer boundaries. Sometimes it is showing us our codependent or people-pleasing tendencies. Or our fear of intimacy, of being hurt and abandoned, or the existential dread of being broken. For some of us, our lesson is to learn how to lean into the challenges and stop running from intimacy. For others, our lesson is to say, “Enough is enough” and walk away. We’re all here to learn, and the lessons that arise are unique to our personal life path. Understanding your relationship signature will help you decode your attachment patterns and what your personal lessons are in your relationships. While there are three main archetypes—ocean, mountain, and wind—your relationship signature is not a box to put you in or an identity to attach to. As human beings, we are incredibly dynamic, and attachment is very nuanced. You may relate to one or all of the archetypes, and that’s normal. Most commonly, you will find that you relate to one archetype more than the others. Read through the signature descriptions and see which one resonates most (if you would like to take the quiz online, you can also go to RisingWoman.com/Signature).
OCEAN TYPE
Empowered Expression: Expressive, caring and nurturing, attentive, intuitive, sensitive, committed, loves fully, deep thinker, dreamer.
Greatest Challenge: You may find yourself anxious and ungrounded in relationships, or obsessive and in need of constant reassurance. You may have a tendency to self-abandon and ditch friends or personal interests for a partner. Seeking a sense of control, you can be hyper- critical of people you’re in relationship with and hold impossibly high expectations of others.
Your Practice: To learn how to stay true to yourself in a relationship, show up fully, and ask for what you want even during conflict. Your practice is also to learn how to self-soothe so you don’t feel desperate, anxious, or afraid when conflict arises or when you’re dating.
MOUNTAIN TYPE
Empowered Expression: Stable, sincere, trustworthy, loyal, com mitted, reliable, caring, wise, patient, consistent with friendships and hobbies even when romantically partnered.
Greatest Challenge: Mountain types have a tendency to over-give, become the caretaker, be “the strong one,” and put everyone else’s is- sues above yours. Attracting avoidant or needy partners, you can often feel lonely, like few people get your depths. You can also take on the role of teacher or coach in your relationships and find the dynamic draining over time.
Your Practice: To step out of the caretaker role and let yourself be supported sometimes. Ask for help, even if you know you can do it on your own. Give people a chance to figure things out for themselves and remember that it’s not up to you to save or fix anyone. Know when to cut the cord and end a relationship, and when it’s time to lean in and do the work. Remember, it takes two willing people, and you can’t save everyone.
WIND TYPE
Empowered Expression: Self-sufficient, like living life on your own terms, freedom oriented, thrives with alone time, finds solitude reen-ergizing, resourceful and good at problem solving, natural leadership abilities.
Greatest Challenge: Can sometimes be dismissive or have an impact on others without realizing it. You tend to be unpredictable and intense and struggle to show emotion or vulnerability, avoiding deeper states of intimacy or becoming intensely turned off by “clingy” behavior. You may also experience extreme loneliness and feel like people don’t get you or can’t meet you where you are at.
Your Practice: To learn how to be in a relationship with another while still maintaining a feeling of being free. Rather than avoiding conflict, wind types are being invited to learn how to sit with uncomfortable feelings for long enough to come back into harmony with friends or lovers. Your practice is to share your feelings and learn how to express yourself fully rather than holding back or hiding.
Excerpted from Becoming the One: Heal Your Past, Transform Your Relationships, and Come Home to Yourself by Sheleana Aiyana. Published by Chronicle Prism, an imprint of Chronicle Books. Copyright © 2022 by Sheleana Aiyana.
Becoming the One is available from Amazon and Bookshop.