One of the most common occurrences when an existing monogamous couple ‘open up’ is that one partner has an easier time finding partners than the other for whatever reason. Typically, if the couple are two heterosexual cis people, women tend to find it easier to find partners for a lot of reasons including getting more attention online (which isn’t always a benefit), being approached more often, and quite often men interested in her may suspect she could be cheating but don’t care, whereas men tend to not be trusted by single women when they claim to be polyamorous.
It is understandable to be upset that you are not getting any potential dates and a partner is. In some cases, one partner could have really pushed for the other to try non-monogamy and the other partner ends up taking to it well and finding lots of partners, which leaves a special kind of frustration for the other, but this is unfortunately something that can’t really be helped.
I would encourage people to not assume that more messages on dating websites or more attention necessarily equates to more quality partnerships. Oftentimes having to wade through a wave of initial messages to find someone who is open to polyamory and is compatible with you is overwhelming and difficult. There are a lot of people willing to try polyamory but, depending on your location, not a lot of people have really thought about how their life would be different if they were polyam and it can be extremely daunting to feel like you have to find your way through that.
Many people feel on the outset that even the suggestion of polyamory means they aren’t ‘good enough’ for their partner. And while for most people it may not be as simple as that, if the relationship opened due to an inherent incompatibility between two people, it can be quite difficult to not feel like you’re not ‘good enough’. Especially if you are a person with a history of comparing yourself to your peers or siblings, comparing yourself to other partners or focusing on what other partners have that you do not can be a pretty natural route for your brain to take.
The polyamory advice that I received when I personally encountered this problem was to remember that I was a unique and wonderful individual and that my partner had their own special reasons for choosing me that no one else could compare to. And while this sounded great on paper, the practice of it felt completely different. I had struggled with low self-worth most of my life and was never really taught to value myself.
The messages I personally received growing up was that my worth as a person was inherently connected to how useful I could be or how little trouble I caused anyone. I couldn’t see the inherent worth of myself so imagining that a partner could see that was very difficult for me. Originally the advice seemed logical and possible, but when it was time to execute it, my brain just wasn’t used to the idea that I had enough worth to keep someone around without being useful and quiet.
Accepting that there was only so much I could control about whether or not my partner stayed with me or valued me helped a lot in releasing that desire to compare myself with others. I found it extremely difficult to engage in positive self-talk initially because it felt fake and awkward. Instead, I shot for neutrality which was a lot easier to aim for. Making a rule that I could not insult myself or call myself a name instead of trying to push myself to sell all the positive aspects of me was extremely helpful. Not to mention, defining my personal worth in comparison to what I could offer to another felt like a continuation of the same problems I’d always had – defining my worth by my usefulness to others.
Ultimately there’s not a magical solution for fixing a tendency to compare yourself to others and it might be even more confusing when sometimes the comparisons are apt. The rule I try to apply when making comparisons is about whether it is about my partner or about my metamour. If I compare myself to a metamour who cooks better than me, that’s less about my partner and their behaviour and more about my metamour, which isn’t really something that should impact the relationship between my partner and me. Whereas, if I notice my partner cooks for my metamour but never offers to do so for me, that is less about their relationship and more about our own and that comparison is fairly apt.
Even with the first comparison, it’s worth asking how you know your metamour cooks better? Is it because your partner makes the comparison through comments? In that case, is that actually about your metamour’s behaviour or is that about the fact that your partner is drawing comparisons that criticize you and make you feel like you are not good enough. Really examine whether the comparisons you’re making are things you can change or signs of the issues you’re having with your own relationship.
While everyone has different relationships with different people, it’s okay to want your partner to give you something within your relationship, especially if you see them giving it to another person and you previously believed they just didn’t give those things. Be wary of attempting to watch the relationships your partners have even for these comparisons, because ideally you will already have thought about what you needed within your relationship so you should both have a good understanding of that.
© 2022 Jessica Kingsley Publishers. Reprinted with permission. This article may not be reproduced for any other use without permission.
The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy: Your Guide to Open Relationships, Polyamory and Letting Go by Lola Phoenix is available from Amazon and Bookshop.
Read our interview with Lola Phoenix on how to navigate non-monogamy.