Most people have trouble asking for what they want in everyday life. That’s especially true in the bedroom.
What We Need To Learn
Intimacy educator Stella Harris has a simple philosophy: “You can get what you want out of the bedroom—if you ask for it.” In Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships, Harris shows us how to improve sexual communication in practical steps anybody can follow.
Simplify Your Love Life
Everybody has different words they feel comfortable using and you need to respect that. Instead of struggling to find the right words in the heat of the moment, Harris has these tips…
- Discuss & learn your partner’s favorite words for body parts.
- Outside of the bedroom, ask direct questions: “I would love to try this new idea in bed, are you interested?”
- Avoid questions with yes/no answers during sexual play
- Instead, ask leading questions: Where would you like to be touched? What would make this feel even better?
- Offer options in bed, rather than yes/no answers: harder or slower, faster or slower
Try This At Home
Harris suggested asking this simple question: “How about I tell you one of my fantasies, and then you share one of yours?” This can help anyone express their desires and simplifies the conversation. “By offering to go first, you’re making yourself vulnerable, and that in turn may make your partner feel safer being vulnerable,” explains Harris.
The Afterglow
Over and over, Harris reminds lovers to stay positive throughout these conversations. You are sharing intimate thoughts, and it takes a lot of practice to feel comfortable. Negativity, sarcasm, irony, or jokes about your partner’s thoughts could totally ruin the mood. And the relationship.
Easy on @netflix continues to be the most mature example of non monogamy on TV
— Cooper S. Beckett (@CooperSBeckett) May 14, 2019