I used to joke that I only want to date a man that I make up in my head—written by me, for me. I don’t think that’s a joke anymore. The level of rage from the patriarchy is sort of palpable these days. Anything that makes women happy—economic independence, bodily autonomy, sexual satisfaction—are on the chopping block. The patriarchy wants anyone who isn’t a cisgendered, heterosexual white man to live in fear that the very human need for love and belonging could derail their entire lives. The message of the patriarchy is that you can’t have it all and trying for more than the patriarchy wants to give you will only get you punishment.
All it makes me want to do is write absolutely ungovernable female main characters getting absolutely everything they want in life. Some days it feels like it’s not enough to pull apart threads of oppression by creating narratives where women don’t have to sacrifice connection, desire, and sex in order to live fully in the rest of their lives. But I’m honestly not sure how we can change our cultural story around romantic relationships without changing the myths that we perpetuate in popular fiction.
In my twenties, I spent an inordinate amount of time and energy contemplating what I had done wrong in relationships that didn’t work out. A couple of times, I even contacted guys who dumped me or ghosted me to find out why. I was overly concerned with whether I was pleasing on their terms, and not concerned enough about whether these men were pleasing to me. It’s so messed up, because I’m pretty sure that most of the men I’ve dated viewed me as a pretty face and a collection of holes rather than as a human being with hopes and dreams and a vision for her life. We love heroes in het romance. The “book boyfriend” reigns supreme. But I always start with the heroine. What does she want? What does she need? Who is the hero who sees her and loves her as is.
My newest book, Thank You, Next, forced me to retrace my steps on the journey I took from asking why no one seemed to want to choose me to me choosing myself. My heroine, Alex, has seen the damage that making the wrong choice for a romantic partner can do a person’s life as a divorce attorney. That professional experience as well as her own family background made her swear off relationships altogether. Until she sees an ex about to get married, and the yearning for connection awakens again. Instead of trying to figure out what she wants and moving forward, she decides to revisit her past and ask her exes why she’s never been the one. Fortunately for Alex, one of the men in her past sees her, loves her, and is fully on board with the vision she has for her life. It might be a mythic narrative right now, but I’m holding on to the hope that it can be what we expect someday.
Thank You, Next is available from Amazon and Bookshop.