A demisexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward someone unless they feel an emotional connection with them first. A person who identifies as demisexual can also identify as gay, straight, pansexual, and so on, and they can have any gender identity. Demisexual is an additional moniker people use to more specifically define and explain their sexuality.
Demisexual People Seek Emotional Intimacy In Order to Experience Sexual Attraction
Are you the type of person that doesn’t enjoy casual one night stands, or even avoid them when faced with the opportunity to engage in one? Maybe you’re dating someone that took a while to really bond emotionally before your first sexual encounter together? If this sounds familiar, you could be describing the sexual orientation of demisexuality. Human sexuality and the way in which individuals sexually identify continues to be an evolving conversation and demisexuality is real as any other sexual orientation.
The earliest instance of the term demisexual dates back to 2006, according to Dictionary.com, when it was coined in the Asexuality Visibility & Education Network forums. By 2008, the term demisexuality had become more mainstream in the modern lexicon, likely as a result of others closely identifying with the term. Even some dating websites, such as OkCupid, allow people to select “demisexual” when indicating their sexual orientation.
The Definition of Demisexuality
While it’s true that many people want to experience emotional intimacy with a partner before engaging in any sort of sexual intimacy or sexual contact, this isn’t considered the same thing as being demisexual. Don’t let the assumption that someone who wants to move things a little slower sexually should automatically be labeled a demisexual. It’s not that simple. Dictionary.com defines demisexuality as “a sexual orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction after making a strong emotional connection with a specific person.”
One big indicator to spot the difference is that those who identify as demisexual cannot feel attracted to people they don’t already have an emotional bond with or know on a deeper level. For example, a demisexual person wouldn’t find themselves attracted to someone they only see as “sexy” like the classic hot celebrity—they tend not to feel that same intensity or sexual longing from random people the way that others might. To simplify things: a demisexual person doesn’t feel sexual attraction toward someone until they’ve emotionally bonded with them, whereas other sexual orientations might develop an emotional bond only after they’ve experienced that spark of sexual attraction.
One can be sexually attracted to someone without having sex with them, and one can have sex with someone without actually feeling attracted to them. Demisexual people aren’t simply people who decide to date someone for a long time before having sex with them. It isn’t about deciding to have sex, but rather feeling sexually attracted to someone. That said, some demisexual people might choose to wait a while before having sex with a romantic partner—but this is independent of their sexual orientation.
Is Demisexuality Close to Asexuality?
The prefix “demi” means half—which can refer to being halfway between sexual and asexual. Asexual people are defined broadly as individuals who feel little to no sexual attraction. Demisexuality is sometimes said to be on the asexual spectrum, which ranges from asexuality on one end and non-asexuality on the other. People who identify as demisexual are sometimes placed under the umbrella of asexuality because they don’t often feel sexual attraction as easily or quickly as others might. But they can and do feel sexual attraction and have an interest in sex once they’ve formed the ever important emotional bond with someone. Demisexual people do not feel primary attraction—the attraction others might feel to someone when they first meet them. They only feel secondary attraction, the type of attraction that happens after knowing someone for a while. As a side note, there is not presently a clear consensus in the asexual community whether people who are on the asexual spectrum would also fall under the LGBTQ+ umbrella.
Misconceptions About Demisexuality
Just because someone identifies as demisexual doesn’t mean they are prudish or don’t enjoy sex. Demisexual people simply do not feel instant sexual attraction to new people. Demisexuality is not in any way related to a moral or religious belief regarding sexual feelings or behavior. It is simply a sexual orientation.
It is also a misconception that demisexuality is a sign of low sex drive. Once demisexual people are in a sexual relationship, they have varying levels of sex drive, just like people with any other sexual orientation might. Some may have sex often, while others may not. Demisexuality only refers to the type of attraction that person feels as a means of defining their sexual identities, not how often they have sex.
Are You Demisexual?
If you don’t feel sexual attraction instantly or form intrusive, consuming crushes created by the mere idea of a person, these may be signs of demisexuality. The Demisexuality Resource Center has compiled a list of possible signs that could indicate demisexuality. These signs could include feeling like sex is an obligation, being confused about sexual attraction, and liking the idea of sex but not being able to think of anyone you want to do it with. Every demisexual person is different; some may want romantic relationships while others may not, and some may not want sex at all. Some people also can feel conflicted, because they might not know they’re demisexual and they feel sexually attracted to a friend.
If you’re feeling confused about your sexual orientation or romantic orientation and want some clarification, consider talking with a therapist who can help and visit the Demisexuality Resource Center. Also it’s wise to seek out “your people,” meaning a community that understands and accepts you. If or when you decide to date, it’s important (and sexy!) to know your own goals and boundaries. Decide for yourself when you feel comfortable enough to discuss romantic attraction and sexual desire. Be ready to take some emotional risks like being vulnerable, while also being aware of red flags like love bombing or partners that don’t respect boundaries.
Be patient. Understand that beginning to explore your sexual orientation can be challenging and sharing your sexual orientation with family and friends will become easier as global recognition of demisexuality continues to grow.
Other Names for Demisexuality
Demisexuality is not the only term you can use when you want to describe the need to have an emotional connection with someone before feeling attraction. However, some people might use terms for other modes of graysexuality to refer to demisexuality. These include:
- Gray-A (or graysexuality, gray asexuality)
- Hyposexual
- Semisexual
- Low sexual intensity
- Asexual-ish
- Sexual-ish
For more information, visit the Demisexuality Resource Center.