The idealization of early romantic love is not under our control. That’s why it feels like a fairy tale. But we’ve seen it often fades, and entropy can be equally inexorable. To renew love, we must be proactive and deliberate. We can’t wait for the magic; we must make magic. Lucky for us, PSO can be built and sustained.
I dumped a lot of sad stats on you at the beginning of this chapter, but a lot of good stuff is coming—or at least it can be good if we roll up our sleeves. We’re going to cover a lot of techniques speed-round-style to not only build that 5:1 ratio but to shift things closer to that wonderful state of biased PSO. Paralleling Gottman’s Four Horsemen, we’re going to take four steps to get there. We’ll call them the Four Rs.
FOUR Rs TO MAGIC
- Rekindle feelings through self-expansion.
- Remind yourself of intimacy through “love ”
- Renew your intimacy with “the Michelangelo ”
- Rewrite your shared Again and again.
Love is a verb, so let’s start verbing:
- REKINDLE
In a 2002 study, Karney and Frye found that overall relationship satisfaction has more to do with recent feelings. Unsurprising, but just how important are those recent emotions? Eight times as important. Ian renews those feelings with Michelle every morning. We want to bootstrap a feedback loop for those emotional memories.
But how? You don’t just “choose” to feel warm and fuzzy about your partner. Here’s where the concept of self-expansion comes in. Because of entropy, you’re either growing together or drifting apart. The most commonly cited reason for divorce isn’t fighting or affairs; 80 percent of couples said it was losing closeness. We often talk about feeling like we’re growing, learning, and expanding ourselves as a result of love, but it turns out this is actually one of the creators of love. Arthur Aron and Gary Lewandowski found that when couples do stuff that makes them feel they are learning and becoming better, it increases love. Just like boredom kills love, when we feel our partner is helping us become a better, more interesting person, we love them all the more.
Doing things together that are stimulating and challenging stretches our self-concept wider and provides a buzz. The angle of attack is simple: never stop dating. You did all kinds of cool stuff together when you first fell in love. You probably saw that as a result, not the cause of romance, but it’s both. “Quality time” together won’t do diddly if you’re merely making more time to be bored together. The research is clear here: you need to do exciting things. It’s the antiboredom EpiPen. Researchers did a ten-week study comparing couples who engaged in “pleasant” activities versus those who pursued “exciting” activities. Pleasant lost. Couples who went out to dinner or a movie didn’t get nearly the marital satisfaction boost that those who danced, skied, or went to concerts did. Another study Velcro-strapped partners together and had them complete an obstacle course. Huge increase in relationship satisfaction. We need interaction, challenges, movement, and fun. Psychologist Elaine Hatfield said it best: “Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder.”
But how does this increase love? It’s due to the criminally underrated concept of emotional contagion. When we feel excited, we associate it with what’s around us, even if that thing is not directly responsible. When we feel partner = fun, we enjoy their presence more. And that lets us be somewhat lazy by letting environments do the work for us. Go to a concert. Get on a roller coaster. You want a fairy tale? Great. Go fight a dragon together.
In fact, any strong emotion can increase love. People often reference Stockholm syndrome, the phenomenon of hostages coming to sympathize with their captors. It’s real. And what many people forget is that after the actual 1973 event in Stockholm, two of the hostages actually got engaged to the criminals. This is why some people stay in toxic relationships. Though they may not realize it, to them, the drama and fighting are preferable to another night watching TV. (Obviously I’m not recommending this, and, for the record, there is research on make-up sex, and it doesn’t live up to the hype.)
Not only do “self-expansion” activities improve relationship satisfaction, but studies show that they also increase sexual desire. Couples who did exciting stuff were 12 percent more likely to have sex that weekend than those who did typical stuff. And speaking of sex: have it. Only 58 percent of women and 46 percent of men are happy with the current amount of sex they’re getting. (Yes, they’re getting an F in sex this semester.) Denise Donnelly of Georgia State reports that sex less than once a month is a harbinger of misery and separation. And a low-sex relationship isn’t just a result of unhappiness, it’s also a cause. Let those hormones do the happiness work for you. It’s fun.
(I do not need data to prove that.) And don’t be afraid to get kinky. A 2009 study found S-M activities can boost intimacy. Definitely qualifies as novel, stimulating self-expansion . . . Just sayin’.
Excitement, learning, experiencing, growing. This allows you not only to feel better in the moment but to collect emotional memories. Scenes for your story of love. Gottman says those feelings are the antidote to contempt. When fondness and admiration leave a relationship, you’re on your way to NSO. And when those feelings are gone, he advises therapists to terminate treatment. The patient cannot be saved.
Want a concrete way to get started? Go out with your spouse and pretend it’s your first date. This isn’t just some cheesy advice from Aunt Barb: it’s been tested. To fall in love again, redo the things you did falling in love the first time.
Adapted from Plays Well With Others by Eric Barker and reprinted with permission from HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. Copyright 2022.
Plays Well With Others is available from Amazon and Bookshop.