An excerpt focused on intimacy in a relationship excerpted from Radical Intimacy: Cultivate the Deeply Connected Relationships You Desire and Deserve by Zoe Kors. Copyright © 2022. Available from Hachette Go, an imprint of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
In a world in which sex is often regarded as transactional (I’ll do this for you, and then you do this for me . . .), it can be a great source of healing for one partner to wholly give and one to wholly receive. The following guided exercise is designed to support you in creating a space in which your partner can surrender completely to the experience of receiving. I recommend doing this on separate occasions, alternating who plays which role: giver and receiver.
Find a comfortable space on the floor for your partner to lie down. They should be wearing loose, comfortable clothing. Use blankets and pillows to support their body and relieve pressure on joints and muscles as needed. Create a soothing atmosphere with soft music and dim lighting. The temperature of the room should be comfortably warm. If it is too cool, have a blanket ready to cover your partner if needed.
Once your partner is comfortably situated, you’re ready to go.
Begin by sitting behind your partner’s head and placing your hands palm down on their shoulders. You want your touch to be gentle but firm. This means that your hands are confidently placed with a medium to light amount of pressure. Simply keep your hands there while you take three deep breaths.
Now slowly begin to lift your hands and slide them slowly around to the outside of the shoulders and stop. Apply light pressure as each hand holds a shoulder. Pause long enough for one deep inhalation and exhalation.
Slowly release your hands from their shoulders and begin to run your fingers through their hair. Use the very tips of your fingers and your fingernails. If your partner is bald, continue to use the whole palms of your hands as you did on their shoulders. Continue this for a full two minutes.
Place the palm of one hand on your partner’s forehead. Apply gentle pressure. Stay here while you take two deep breaths. The next phase of this exercise requires you to move around your partner. You may maneuver around on your knees or stand on your feet and walk around.
You are going to use your two hands to apply pressure to various parts of their body. In doing so, you will be using nonsexual touch to calm their nervous system and instill a feeling of safety and a state of deep relaxation.
You will do this through their clothes or blanket if there is one. Remove your hand from your partner’s forehead and move to their feet. Kneel down so that the soles of your partner’s feet are resting on your knees. Place one hand on the top of each foot and gently squeeze. Stay here for a moment. Release reapply pressure once or twice.
Release the feet and move to your partner’s side near their knees.
Place one palm on each of their thighs, midway between their knees and hips, keeping your hands flat against their quadriceps muscles. Take a deep inhalation, and as you exhale slowly, gently press your palms into their thighs. Take another deep, long breath here, and as you exhale, rock your hands side to side. Imagine you are gently pressing any tension in your partner’s muscles with your hands. Imagine they are melting under your touch. Release the pressure and still your hands. Take one more deep breath, and as you exhale this time apply gentle smooth pressure, not rocking your hands but keeping them still and steady. Stay here for a few moments.
Now remove your hands from your partner’s thighs and place them on their hip bones. Repeat this sequence of three deep breaths while you apply pressure to your partner’s hips as you exhale.
As you continue, bring to your energy the intention to give wholly as they receive. Imagine you are infusing your touch with warm, loving energy.
Next place one hand on your partner’s heart. Less pressure will be needed here to instill a sense of safety and maintain a good level of comfort. Adjust the positioning of your own body as needed for your own comfort as well. Now take your three deep breaths, and on the exhalation, increase the pressure ever so slightly. If it feels good to do so, you can move your hand in a subtle circular shape on their chest. Remember, your intention is to soothe.
Finally, place your two hands on your partner’s chest just under their collarbone. Repeat your sequence of breathing and pressure with gentle rocking motion to press or shake the tension out of their body.
We will complete this exercise by returning to your partner’s head. Reposition yourself where you started, at their head. Place one hand across their forehead and apply gentle pressure. Pause here for a few moments. Then finish by running the fingers of both your hands through your partner’s hair (or scalp).
Radical Intimacy: Cultivate the Deeply Connected Relationships You Desire and Deserve is available from Amazon and Bookshop.