I believe working on everything with positivity—your strengths and weaknesses—is the key to finding the true you. When you get better at the things you’re good at, it’s an obvious improvement. Meanwhile, even those things you thought were weaknesses can become attractive features when looked at differently.
I used to dislike the way I speak. People would tell me that it made them feel sleepy! For a long time I thought I had to correct it. But, instead of making some futile attempt to make my voice snappier, I changed my thinking. I decided to make my voice more “relaxing,” and that became an aspect of who I am.
Soon my friends told me things like, “Nobody can soothe people with their voice like you,” or “It’s calming; you should read bedtime stories.” I began to think of my voice in a positive way—as a strength rather than a weakness.
I also used to have a complex about my almond-shaped eyes, but I’ve given up on applying glue to make a double eyelid so my eyes seem bigger. Instead, I use my own eyes’ distinctiveness by extending my eyeliner sideways and making my eyes look even sharper. My eyes have become something I can use to say, “This is me!”
Instead of chasing some far-off ideal, accepting what looks good on me has made me confident. Not Barbie, but Asian beauty!
In the same way that some Asian people long for a big-eyed biracial look, some people in Europe and North America admire the sharp, mysterious look of long and almond-shaped Asian eyes. When I was hanging out with my Spanish friends, one of them even said, “I want to get facial surgery so that my eyes are narrower, and my nose is lower.” At the time, I was completely shocked that somebody wanted to have surgery to look more like me.
I had one specific idea of what beauty looked like, but there are so many types. The decision to appreciate it is up to me. I don’t want to restrict my idea of beauty, when I could change my prejudice in a way to love myself. I want to adopt a broad-minded sense that being unique is also beautiful, and apply it to myself too. When I started thinking like that, I was able to change.
Of course, I didn’t suddenly start loving my eyes. I practiced doing makeup again and again, noticed things, and kept experimenting. Once I’d perfected eye makeup that let me love my eyes, I started to love my eyes without makeup too.
“The one who protects oneself protects others as well, so protect yourself. These people will not be harmed, and are wise.” – Anguttara Nikāya
It’s not the ideal I had in mind at first, but once I accepted a way of being that was natural for me, I realized that it suited me. It feels very comfortable to be the real you, and when you feel comfortable, you love yourself. Being able to love myself makes me happier than anything. I did not have to keep trying to be somebody else anymore; I was already complete!
There was once a time when I couldn’t love myself, maybe because I was pessimistic about my sexuality. I had low self-esteem and complexes about my looks. I got depressed when I looked at mirrors or photos. After trying lots of things, now I can truly say I love myself!
It’s not a sin to enjoy your life. If you don’t live in each moment, you’ll end up missing your chance to have a fun life. We can only live in this moment, so please don’t postpone the things you enjoy. If you wait to be happy, you will never be happy. So celebrate today! I try to live knowing that everything can be lost one day. I can be sad thinking about it, but that is the best way to prepare for the future and enjoy the moment.
We must work hard for the sake of our future lives; I don’t deny that. It’s the cycle of birth, death, and rebirth. But what a waste not to enjoy our present lives. “One life” has become my favorite quote, especially since studying Buddhism and reincarnation. Ironic, right? I ask myself: Is there anything that I am postponing that I actually want to do? Should I go skydiving tomorrow? The answer may be no, but it is good to ask myself so that I have no regrets later.
Excerpted from This Monk Wears Heels by Kodo Nishimura. Copyright © 2022 by Kodo Nishimura. Reprinted with permission of Watkins Publishing. All rights reserved.
This Monk Wears Heels: Be Who You Are is available from Amazon and Bookshop.
