From Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life by Dr. Nan Wise
Do not judge your erotic self or the erotic experience.
Practice radical self-acceptance. Learn to love your body, exactly as it is. This is one of the biggest lessons mentioned by nearly all my sex research participants. They also became curious about their own sexuality and went about exploring what turns them on. Learn to embrace your unique erotic fingerprint — your own “sexual personality” whatever it is. Learn to recognize the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire (spontaneous desire is when you feel actively horny, while responsive desire can be kindled under the right circumstances). Let yourself be exactly as you are in the moment. And let the moment be exactly as it is. Sex is our willingness to be sexual beings, however that shows up. Remember first and foremost that good sex is about being present.
Tune in.
Shift your focus inward to listen closely to what you want and what your body yearns for. What are your fantasies? How do you like to be touched? Why not explore all areas of your body that can give you pleasure? And as Beverly Whipple (world-renown sex researcher and dear friend) recommends, become keenly aware of what pleases you across the senses beyond touch — don’t forget about sounds and tastes.
Are you interested in perhaps being more active when you tend to be receptive? More receptive when you’re usually more active? Making subtle shifts in your habitual roles may reveal new ways that you can be turned on. Paying attention to sensations is key for pleasurable sex. If your mind wanders and starts to get into “spectatoring” mode — becoming goal-directed or self-conscious — simply notice that without judgment, letting those thoughts be exactly as they are while you bring your attention back to the senses.
Be patient about getting turned on.
When you want to have intercourse, for example, don’t begin until you and/or your partner are sufficiently aroused. Allow the sex to unfold without rushing into it. Although this advice may seem simplistic, it’s hugely important to experiencing the pleasure of sex. Slow down and savor the sensations. Let them build. Enjoy the journey without concern about the destination.
Stay connected to your partner.
Learn how to manage defenses and old emotional habits that tend to get in the way (for tools to navigate these issues pay careful attention to the earlier sections of this book). Learn how to be an attentive and active listener (instructions are in the tools section) and be open to differences in erotic fingerprints or desire. Respect these differences and you will feel more connected. Often the best way to connect is to go beyond words. Simply do what new lovers spend tons of time doing — eye gazing. Look into your partner’s eyes and breathe along with your partner. See the person in front of you–the being you fell in love with. Spoon your partner and hold them while synchronizing your breath to attune your nervous systems. This truly works. We are like tuning forks and go into “cardiac” entrainment with lovers (and even our pets) when we settle into the connection. Good sex is connected sex.
Take risks.
We often feel hesitant to speak up with partners about parts of ourselves that we think they will judge or worry that if we tell them how we truly feel we will hurt them. We tend to play it safe when in doubt. But another way to look at this is that there is a risk to not taking risks. If we don’t explore some of the scarier places with our partners, if we don’t explore the corners of our erotic selves, we tend to shut down and stagnate. And stagnation, itself, is dangerous to relationships. Sexual potential unfolds when we bring all of ourselves into the mix. We are always, always shifting and changing and growing. Taking the risk to reveal how these changes impact us, our thoughts, our fears, our feelings, even our fantasies tend to revitalize the partnership.
Prioritize pleasure.
Allow sex to play a larger role in your life. Learning how to work with your seven core-wired in emotions can pave the way for more keen awareness and insight into how and why pleasure is so important to your life, so allow sex to play a larger role. Make time for sex, expand your notion of what sex is, nurture it, and explore it. It’s a journey without an end.
Tolerate emotions and embrace the transformative nature of sex.
Because of the blend of emotional and physical drivers of sex, any type of sexual experience or activity can stir up all kinds of emotions. One of the most important lessons for good sex and good relationships, in general, is to learn how to more fully tolerate our feelings, other people’s feelings, and our feelings about other people’s feelings. And sometimes the most challenging feelings to tolerate, believe it or not, are intense feelings of pleasure — which for some can feel scarily out of control. When we can learn to simply allow the feelings to be as they are, stay present to ourselves and to each other, the experiences we can have with and through sex can be truly healing and can revitalize our mind, body, and spirit. It is a tangible form of connection to others, a source of immune-boosting energy, and a vast reservoir for pleasure.
Why Good Sex Matters is available from Amazon and Bookshop.